Joined: 08 March 2007 Canada Posts: 15 Gender: Female
Posted: 08 March 2007 at 7:18pm | IP Logged
Wow, I'm hoping this site is as great as it sounds so far. I have no one I can talk to about my feelings. The support you have given so far lets me know that there are people who do care. thank you
I'm at work today and I must say lately its a joy to come in because I don't have to deal with this all day long, it may be still going on but work keeps me somewhat busy. I'm trying to support her as well but she makes it hard. She is determined to leave home now, some say I have to do the 'tough love' thing but I don't know if I'm strong enough. She is so strong willed herself.
Joined: 12 June 2005 United Kingdom Posts: 6441 Gender: Female
Posted: 08 March 2007 at 7:40pm | IP Logged
Im sorry to hear ur in this situation, i can only imagine what it must be like but please don't blame urself
My mum fell out with me for getting pregnant just before i turned 20, she used to be my best friend but she shut me out & even though Ryan is nearly 2 now i know things will never be the same. She never even said 'congratulations' when i told her even tho i was over the moon
If its possible sit down & hav a 1 to 1 with ur daughter, tell her u'd like to talk & also listen to what she has to say. Easier said than done but try not to get angry or upset even if it means changing the subject or leaving the room but just let her know u want to be there for her
Is she planning to move in with the baby's dad?As the other ladies hav said it might be a good idea to ask a family member or friend to talk to her or even take her in while things arent good between her & ur dp
I hope she has a nice easy pregnancy & things settle down at home soon
Joined: 04 October 2006 United Kingdom Posts: 881 Gender: Female
Posted: 08 March 2007 at 7:55pm | IP Logged
Oh shirl, it must be so hard for you to be stuck in between your daughter and her dad like this. Like Steph has said, Dads are dads, and they don't ever want to think their little girl will grow up and do any of these things. I remember my dad going nuts at me after I had left home, when I was 18 and took my boyfriend (now my hubby of 10 years) home to meet my mum and dad for the first time, and we went upstairs! Unaccompanied! For an hour! It was just so we could get out of the way of everyone else, but he was so angry with me, and I didn't dare point out that I'd left home and could get up to goodness knows what for hours on end should I want to, and he'd never know!
Where does your daughter want to move out to? This could make a big difference. Is it to a place of her own, or in with the baby's dad, or a relative? Do you think that sitting down and asking her in detail how she plans to get by, financially as much as anything else, living elsewhere might make her realise just what a big step that is? Did you have a good, talkative relationship with her before all this?
I really wish that I had something constructive that I could suggest that you do, but in truth I think the only thing that you can do is try to help her to come to sensible decisions that are at least practical. If you try and tell her what she should do, she may move out like she wants to and exclude you from it all, and a fall out with her must be the last thing you want. Let her know how much you love her and want to help her, and hope that she'll then listen when you try to advise. Good luck.
Joined: 11 June 2005 United Kingdom Posts: 8379 Gender: Female
Posted: 08 March 2007 at 8:25pm | IP Logged
It is a difficult situation to be in. I was 18 living at hime with my parents whenI found I was pg with my first. My dad never spoke to me for the first 2 weeks and even for a while after that he never mentioned the pregnancy. My mom was my rock. Just let her know that you love her and suport her through what is going to be a hell of a wake up call for her, and with any luck you will get through fine.
Joined: 08 March 2007 Canada Posts: 15 Gender: Female
Posted: 12 March 2007 at 4:48pm | IP Logged
She wants to move in with babys dad. He is struggling hisself and no money. We have good days and then bad days. We have talked about all of the issues from getting back and forth to school, back and forth to work. Money, money, money. She does know that I am her 'rock' as well. I have to be, I need to keep her safe and watch over her. Could it be a bad thing that she moves out-- only God knows that answer, I do believe if she does she will find out very quickly life is not all that. She will have to make that decision. I have discussed the fact that there are certain things we will and will not do if she decides this however. She has had some pregnancy woes already and thats the 'little girl' in her and I tell her that this is just what she is going thru and things certainly will change for better and for worse as time goes by. Babys Dad is already starting to (put thoughts in her head), he doesn't realize that he is stressing her out more. In her words "he wants to see me everyday and be with me everyday"..... I have a hard time getting beyond that sometimes. His comment to her "if I can't be with you everyday I don't want to be with you at all"..... so there you go she is in the middle between him and us and feels she will loose him. I have tried to explain to him the best place for her is home where she will get proper food, sleep etc. She does work part time and actually she brings more $$ home than him. I'm so afraid that this is where he is coming from.
Joined: 04 October 2006 United Kingdom Posts: 881 Gender: Female
Posted: 12 March 2007 at 8:28pm | IP Logged
Strewth Shirl, what a worry this must be for you. At least you are able to discuss this with your daughter and she is able to see you as her rock - that's a hell of a lot more than many mums and daughters.
Do you think that if she did move in with the dad that it might be a bit of an awakening for her? Maybe if she went there it would make her see what that kind of independence is about, and think about how much worse it would be once the baby arrives. With any luck, maybe this would then bring her back home before little one arrives. Does the dad have a decent house near you that she would go to, or would they look for somewhere together?
I so wish I could give you some proper advice, but I think in the long run the only option you have is to let her make that decision, even if it turns out to be a mistake, and be there to love and support her as best you can through it. She'll love you the more for that in the end.
Joined: 08 March 2007 Canada Posts: 15 Gender: Female
Posted: 12 March 2007 at 8:38pm | IP Logged
thank you Rachael... Dads home is ok but not in best of neighborhoods... friend who lives with him parties an awful lot. I keep reminding her of ramifications from that after babe born. And yes she will ultimately make the decision herself.
you really don't know how wonderful it is just to be able to say this stuff outloud to someone.............. its so hard when there are no ears that really--or at least as I feel 'care'. Everyone has their own issues now a days and no one really knows until their own issues pop up. My kids were cute, cuddly wonderful little ones and then life just took over. Why--who knows. :)
Joined: 04 October 2006 United Kingdom Posts: 881 Gender: Female
Posted: 13 March 2007 at 2:23pm | IP Logged
Shirl, I'm so sorry to hear that you don't have anyone near you to talk to. Please do keep posting here, it's what sites like this are for. It may take a while for someone to post a reply because of the time difference, but we usually get there eventually. Whatever you do, don't bottle it all up inside, you rant away at your PC!
Maybe actually moving in with the baby's dad will make your daughter see just how much she's leaving behind, and as the pregnancy takes its physical toll she'll want the peace and security of home rather than a dodgy neighbourhood with a partying flatmate. I will keep my fingers crossed that this is what happens.
Joined: 30 June 2005 United Kingdom Posts: 6509 Gender: Female
Posted: 13 March 2007 at 3:24pm | IP Logged
So much good advice has been said, and I just want to add my love and support! Do keep posting and getting it all out, we are all here to listen. Let your daughter know you are there for her, sometimes though you have to let them go and do the "grown up" things.. just make sure she knows she has your 100% support and if she needs to come home that they'll always be a place for her. Forcing her to chose might just push her away, and if she needed you then she might be worried she wasnt welcome back.
This must be an terrible time for you, treat her like an adult, and she will treat you in the same way back. Respect is all about give and take!
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Topic: daughter 16 and pregnant
Wow, I'm hoping this site is as great as it sounds so far. I have no one I can talk to about my feelings. The support you have given so far lets me know that there are people who do care. thank you
