Parenting Forums

Posted: 07 May 2007 at 12:53pm | IP Logged

As everyone knows I am a single parent to Joshua, his biological dad has had no real contact with him in the last 4 years. He pays nothing towards his upkeep (I dont want it), he has not been to court to get any parental rights, or access. I have given him time and time again open access to Joshua, told him we can make arrangements and the only condition was it was regular and he never let Joshua down. His biological dad has never once turned up for a meeting with Joshua, the only occassions he has seem him are 2 occassions in the last 2 years where I took Joshua to him. I have been talking to his biological dad recently, well on and off for the last year, and I have said he can have another chance with Joshua to be a real dad but he has to show me he wont let him down. He hasn't once come round in that time to see Joshua, and he knows full well when Joshua's birthday is but no made acknowledgement of it. I dont want material items, but a text, email or anything would have done.

Now it would be so easy to say cut him out of your life, he is no good for Joshua he will see that in time. I have no emotional connection to his dad, but Joshua has a strong one. I have never hid anything from him, Joshua has a photo book of his dad, and he always asks me about him. How can I just cut all of that out. I am petrified that Joshua will blame me. Right now Joshua idolises his dad and can not see he is letting him down so badly.

His dad is not on the birth certificate, and from previous posts I believe that means he has no parental rights unless he goes to court to get them, and Joshua was born before the law changes in December 2003. I know a few of you have been single parents and then got into other relationships. I was just wondering if anyone has been in a similar situation. Or if you were brought up in a single family, and your mum (or dad) had cut all ties from the other biological parent despite u loving them and wan ting to see them. I am genuinely petrified of Joshua hating me or blaming me in time, I know in the long run he would understand why and see his dad for what he is, but I couldnt bare the thought of Joshua hating me for any period of time over this. I have given his dad more than enough chances. He has let Joshua down at each one.

I have deleted his mobile number, and I am about to block and delete him from msn. When I do that, it will be the end, as his dad wont make the effort to get in touch with us. I would really appreciate some feedback from those that have been through it, especially if you were the child, and how you felt.

Posted: 07 May 2007 at 2:14pm | IP Logged

I haven't been in the exact same situation as you with my kids, but Taylor was born before the new PR rights came in, and although Sie is named on the birth certificate he had to get my permission and go through court to get PR.

I have been lucky that Sie wants to have a very active role in Taylor's life, he is both our miracle child and he loves him to bits, so i have no worries he will not want to know him in the future.

As for me, i wish i could have cut my mother out of my life tbh.. she left my dad for another bloke when i was 8, and has hardly had a active role in my life at all, she would send a card on my bday, but i was the one who rang her etc.. its still the same now. My dad never stopped me getting in touch, and we did speak about her if i needed to. I think the fact my dad left it open to me and i decided what to do made it a hell of a lot easier on me, if that makes sense.

I know i was a bit older than Joshua, but in my opinion i wouldn't cut all tie's.. leave it for Joshua to decide. Ok his not gonna win the best dad in the world trophy, but he is Joshua's dad, and i don't think anyone should be denied knowing there parents.

Sorry if i have spoken out of term.

Posted: 07 May 2007 at 2:53pm | IP Logged

I have the photo book, and Joshua does have to ask for it, but I dont deny him it when he does. Joshua sks lots of questions, where is his daddy, why doesnt daddy Justin come to see him, and I answer the best I can without saying his dad is a completely waste of space thats why lol Joshua has formed this image in his head.. one that makes his dad seem like a good guy no matter what.

Nicky, you have not spoken out of turn. I want that communication to be there whenever Joshua wants it. His dad claims that he loves us, and it hurts him that he cant give everything to Joshua so instead of hurting him he just says away. Well thats fine and dandy, but my concern is not how he feels but how Joshua feels. In the same breathe his dad reminds me that he has 3 other children who he see's but not as much as he'd like.. he doesnt understand there is no difference between those other children and Joshua. He thinks because they have always seen him that it makes a difference, so because Joshua has never really seen his dad he doesnt have to start now.

His dad does initiate the conversation between us, Im passed all that. But its usually on msn he grabs me when Im on line. I highly doubt if I blocked him that he would send me an email or come knocking.. actually he'd think better of coming knocking as he certainly wouldnt be welcome without prior arrangement.

I want the best for Joshua, and as Nicky said he is his dad and I cant change that. Joshua has someone who he looks up to, I am not concerned about a father figure for him, but I cant just deny him rights to see his biological dad, and I never want Joshua to blame me if I did.

Arghhhhh it would be so much easier if Joshua listened to me when I said daddy is too busy to come and see you lol One day he will listen and say sod him then pmsl

Posted: 07 May 2007 at 2:56pm | IP Logged

i was 3 when my biological father finally left, didnt really see much of him b4 he left as he was out doing things he shouldnt,he let me and my sister down so many times and eventually my mum stopped contact and my step dad (the most amazing man in the world)adopted us both,my biological father never disputed this, and we had a great upbringing,however for some reason i rebelled as i got older and wanted to find my biological father which i did when i was 15,and tbh it's the biggest mistake i've made,he was never there for me growing up,i have 2 half brothers which he bought up and is now on his second marrige and got 2 step kids,since i have had my own child i've really resented the fact that he walked away without a fight,my sister doesnt even acknowledge him,many of times he's *ged my mum off and tried to justify what he did,to which i reply i'm an adult i can work things out for myself and not to bring up the past,but everytime i look at my baby i think how could u just go like that,he acts like the perfect grandad,which irratates me even more and i dont actually want anything to do with him anymore,but also feel like i cant turn my back as i love my extended family to bits,i've heard so many stories over the years about him,and my mum was right all along,he's a waste of space,i went through a stage of blaming my mum for him leaving,and according to my counsellor my depression stems from him going..but i think maybe if my mum had left him a phone number or our adress when we were younger i would've grown up knowing that the door was open for him to say hi if he wanted to and probably not have contacted him when i did.

i've been through a simialr thing with my sons dad,he was forever letting him down,but i bought him fathers day,birthday,christmas presents cos i want adam to know i always tried to keep contact with his daddy,i'm fed up with making the effort now and told me ex if he didnt start making an effort than stay away,he's since been round once a fortnight to him for an hour.

i think maybe if you left your ex your address and phone number then leave it down to him,joshua will soon work out for himslef that daddy really isnt that great

xx

Posted: 07 May 2007 at 3:01pm | IP Logged

Ok hun here goes ...

I have been in Joshuas situation, maybe slightly different, but if I explain the whole situation, you can judge for yourself.

When my mum became pregnant with me, my biological dad said it was either the baby or him and (thank god) my mum chose me and they split up. That did go to court, but only because my mum met someone else, very quickly after, (when she was still pregnant with me) and they stopped him having any access to me until I was 18. He came to see me a few times when I was first born and I think I got a few birthday and christmas cards from him, but thats it. Although saying that, he really didn't have a lot of choice as there was an injunction on him not being able to see me.

It was my stepdad that told me he wasn't my real dad (which I guess I always knew) when I was about 10 I think. But after he'd told me, he wouldn't say anything else. He just felt I had a right to know. Whenever I asked my mum about my biological dad, she wouldn't say a thing, only that she would never be happy with me seeing him and he was a waste of space.

When I was 15, I was looking for something in my mums room and came across his address. So, behind her back, I wrote to him and met up with him once. But my stepdad warned him off (which I didn't know until recently) and that was that. I was completly devestated.

Nothing was ever mentioned again until November, when my mum called me and said she had had a call from my biological dad and he wants to see me. She was very honest and said she thought about not telling me, but wouldn't be able to live with herself if she didn't. I was a bit warey as now have children, it wasn't just me who would get hurt this time if it didn't work, but I agreed. My mum again made it quite clear that she would have nothing to do with him (even after 24 years) Dad and I now have a great relationship and I'm just sorry that I missed out on so many years with him. He's not the perfect father, but he's my dad and that means more to me than anything.

Now my personal opinion (right or wrong) is that I cannot see why my mum hid so much from me. I don't hate her at all and I know she was protecting me from getting hurt, but I would've liked to make my own choice. Reading what you have put, I know its a different situation, but thought I'd put my story down to see if it helps at all. Sorry if it doesn't!

Keep smiling hun

x

Posted: 07 May 2007 at 3:26pm | IP Logged

Thank you all for your honesty! Joshua's dad also gave me the ultimatum.. him or the baby.. and I chose to continue with the pregnancy. I then had severe complications and it was sure id loose Joshua and his dad sent me a text to say couldnt the nurses just kill it and be done with it! Thankfully Joshua hung on in there!

I wish I knew what to do for the best  My parents hate the thought I am in touch with him, they think I should just destroy everything of his and tell Joshua nothing, but I cant. I am also in touch with his dads family, but with them it is usually me who keeps up the correspondence. I send them updates and photos, and cards etc.. they usually email or reply but even they didnt acknowledge his birthday this year! My parents want me to have nothing to do with any of them. But Joshua likes seeing his auntie and nain (not that it is often!)

Posted: 07 May 2007 at 3:32pm | IP Logged

Couldn't you just come to an arrangement with Joshua's dad, where he informs you of a change of address/number and you do the same with him, that way when Joshua is old enough you should (all being well) have an address for Joshua to decide to do with what he chooses.

Just out of curiosity was he there for Joshua when he was in hospital when he had those nast burns?

Posted: 07 May 2007 at 3:43pm | IP Logged

No Rin, he didnt even ask how he was!

Joshua's dad is all or nothing.. he tries to guilt trip me, which admittingly used to work but it doesnt anymore. He would not be happy with a number and address.. he would not keep it. He will also not give me his address as he doesnt want CSA to find him, or doesnt want Joshua knocking on his door and his missus finding out he has been in contact.

To be perfectly honest his dad wouldnt be bothered if I disappeared without a trace. And he changes his mobile number more times than soft mick. I dont think the number I had was for his regular phone, he has never changed!

If Joshua didnt ask so much about him, it wouldnt be so hard to cut the ties. Obviously if Joshua wanted to find him later in life I would help and support that. Like I said Joshua has someone who he looks up to, and I think he only asks about his dad because he doesnt know who he is just that he exists. I just wish he'd stop asking then it wouldnt be an issue because Id have no reason to talk about him to him (I dont bring it up) and I wouldnt feel guilty deleting his msn and leaving it up to him.