Parenting Forums

Posted: 07 May 2007 at 4:47pm | IP Logged

Its a tough one mate, and a heart wrenching decision to make.

I was a few months old when my mum and natural father split up.  There was no contact whatsoever between us at the time..and he only lived 2 miles away from us and couldnt be bothered..yet he kicked off when my mum and dad got married as he wouldnt get access..how that worked when he couldnt be bothered I don't know.

I was always told about the split and the divorce..I knew the good and the bad.  Admittadly for the first 16 years of my life..letter writing and phonecalls were forced on me because my mum had promised him access..and I hated it.  I was adopted by my parents when I was five, so my parents could have cut all ties with him but they chose not to.  My natural father and I dont get on at all, he tries to force a relationship which doesnt exist for me..and the relationship is all in his head.  All I get when he does phone (but I dont answer it now) is about how hard it was for him, how he missed so much, how it was all my mums fault bleat bleat bleat.  Nothing to do with the fact he had affairs, then had another family and couldnt be bothered with me.

I have cut him off as much as I can, he has contact with my mother, which I hate and cant see why.  I dont answer his phonecalls, and I dont return his calls.  Hes been a bum from december..so I want nothing more to do with him.  I stay in touch with one of my half brothers and talk to him more or less all the time online, my other brother has never really shown an interest in getting to know me...end of the day..if he wants to get in touch the choice will be his, and the same went with my other brother...its only taken my lil bro 19 years lol, but thats a different matter.

I went through a phase of wanting to know all about steve when i was about 4/5ish and he was a god in my eyes...which must have hurt my parents a lot.  However, as years went on I saw him for what he really was and by the age of 7 I didnt want to know..only the fact mum forced me to stay in touch that I had any contact.

Now with natasja..I kicked my ex out when she was just over a year old.  I dont instigate contact with my ex, and I stay out of it as much as I can.  Its up to him to tell me when he wants to see her, and as long as it matches the contact order then thats fine.  Hes gone from wanting loads of contact to hardly wanting any, which is no skin off my nose..but he cant see that in the end tasja isnt going to want to know.  Tasja doesnt know the full ins and outs over why we split as shes not old enough to understand, she has photos, can make phonecalls etc, end of the day the decision is hers over contact when she turns 16.

In my opinion, as long as you are honest with Joshua, dont hide anything from him then it will be up to him when he turns 18 over wether or not he goes looking for his so called dad.

Its your choice chick, and its a hard one to make.

Posted: 07 May 2007 at 4:52pm | IP Logged

My dad walked out on my mum when she was about 5 months pregnant, he said he never wanted anymore children before she got pregnant...he already had an 11 year old daughter & was 19 years older than my mum

My mum always answered my questions as best she could as i was growing up since my dad had cut all ties before i was born i only ever had my mums opinion on the situation & felt it was likely biased because she had been hurt.

But when i was 16 we went to London & met my dad, my mum had describe him to me a an alcoholic yet like Joshua i had formed my own ideas - but at 10am he took us to the pub & i knew there & then my mum had been right all along, he promise me the world but i never heard from him again. I found out that while we lived in London my uncle would take me to see my dad at least once  week without my mum knowing, i was 4 when we left London & have no memory of this so he obviously never had any impact on my life there.

Now as a single parent myself i know my mum did he right thing cutting him out & telling me the truth growing up, just like u are with Joshua

I think for ur own sanity cutting Justin out completely is the best thing to do & as long as u continue to be honest with Joshua theres no reason why he will ever have reason to hate u, if when he's older he wants to look for his dad im sure u will help him & then he can see for himself but for now i dont see that ur contact with Justin is benefitting Joshua anyway

Good luck, i know either way u'll always wonder if its the right thing

Posted: 09 May 2007 at 4:25pm | IP Logged

I havent been in this situation at all and I dont envy you one bit.

Heres what (I think) I would do.

I would write to my sons dad and explain that the present situation isnt fair on my son. He has a choice to make, either to be involved in his sons life in a structured way or to cut contact completely until the child was 18 and could make his own decision. Keep a copy so you have proof of your actions.

Be honest with Joshua as you have always been. But once the decision has been made stick with it. It will cause more hurt to try again.

At least that way you can say you did all you could right up until the end.

Good luck whatever you do.

Posted: 10 May 2007 at 12:05pm | IP Logged

Chris, what Madz has just said is a very good idea.  I dont agree with mum and dad, I believe a child should know who they are and where they've come from.  Joshua wont blame you, you know as he gets older he can come and ask me or mum and dad the situation and we can explain you were at no fault.  With the letter its also proof to Joshua as he gets older that you tried your hardest to allow a relationship with him and his dad but it was his dad that chose not to be involved.

Joshua is a very special little boy who defied all odds to be here from start to finish and you've done an amazing job of bringing him up and making him the child he is today.  He's very mature for his age and in time he will understand who is at fault.  The pressure and heartache will only make matters worse for you both.  Send the letter and detail all the chances he's had and explain this is is last chance to be a father to Joshua as you have to put your son first.

Besides that all you can do is stop all contact and have nothing more to do with him ever.  carry on with the things you are already doing and as Joshua matures you can tell him more about why he doesn't see his dad.  I know its hard and it's easier said than done but you've got a whole life ahead of you both, you could meet someone that loves Joshua as much as you and will make a perfect father.