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Posted: 11 July 2007 at 1:42am | IP Logged

Hi i'm back and i have decided to bear all. I don't know really where to start as this isn't something i know how to do. I have sat here in tears tonight. Not sure if i'm depressed but i know i need release. So i have decided to to try and lay it out on here. I'm generally a happy go lucky person or as i like to think and put across but recently alot of things have come to light that i have hiden away for years. I'm scared to open these closets as i don't like what lies behind these doors. I have always been open and talked about these issues but i don't really know how to deal with my feelings. I have always passed things off as though they are just simple everyday things and there is always someone else out there worse off than i am.

I had a pretty good childhood with my parents but the start with my real dad wasn't great. Infact it was pure hell. I remember things that no 2-4 year old should know or remember. I blamed myself for things i didn't understand and have done ever since i can remember. I'm not a real personal person in this area so please remember that this is very hard for me to do.

I am hoping that by writing just some of these things will help me to deal with the things that are really getting to me. Thing is this could get very personal so its not for the light hearted. I remember my mum being raped and beaten over 2 years and blamed myself when she finally left my real dad. I was so bad as a toddler that i threw everything i could lift down the stairs every night. This stopped when my mum met my step dad and he talked to me and i never did it again. But my mum was pulled up at nursery a few times as i was drawing pictures of my mum, her new boyfriend and my brother happy and i put myself away from them always with a sad face alone. I suppose this is how i have always felt deep down.

My brother then was beaten by our babysitter with a belt but again i didn't understand and didn't say anything. I was always sent out of the room but didn't know why. Its not until over recent years that it has finally dorned on me why. I was bullied as a child from nursery up until i was 13 and then i just retaliated and now i wish i had all along. But it was always gangs that bullied me never one on one.

Then just other simple things that build up and right now i am full. I don't know how to release my anger, hurt, hate frustration. Like i said i don't feel depressed although i was diagnosed with depression at 14. I refused help again blaming myself for getting into this situation so i told them i would get out of it. In many ways i thought i had but recently i can't put these feelings away. I find myself more and more going back to my childhood looking for answers and what ifs. I'm not sure whether a councillor would help but i find it really hard to explain how i feel.

This is why i am writing it on here. I have kept diary's before and i have had that read. I feel i can't turn to anyone as they all just think oh its Emma she will be ok she always is. She is the one with the head on her shoulders the one that we all know is clued up. Yeah right they don't know me at all. I'm not even sure i know myself anymore.

I'm not writing this for sympathy or for answers i just needed to get how i feel out. I put to many barriers up and i don't know how to break them down. I have never had a real true friend as i can never truely trust anyone. Lol yet i am trusting you with this. I have my family and i am very close to them all but i cannot explain how i really feel as it hurts them to to bring the past up. Like i said it wasn't just me that had to go through it. I just don't know where to turn next and i am hoping by writing this i may find some answers in myself.

If you have gotten this far thankyou for reading and sorry to whinge. I know i'm not special lol but i really am feeling better for letting some of it out.

Posted: 11 July 2007 at 8:45am | IP Logged

I'm really sorry for what you had to go through as a child, no child should have to go through that.

I totally agree with Amanda hun, you must keep writting it down, you said you felt slightly better and if everytime you right something down, you feel just that tiny bit better, you are well on the way.

I don't really have any advice for you and I know that's what what you need/want. So sending you big hugs (I know you didn't want sympathy, but tough, feel like sending hugs!)

x

Posted: 11 July 2007 at 9:39am | IP Logged

Don't really know what to say, but didn't want to read and run!

You're doing a good thing for 'you' by talking about this - whether it's to friends, family or someone who doesn't know you at all. I hope you can let this all out and find peace, so you can move on with your own family.xxx

Posted: 11 July 2007 at 9:49am | IP Logged

Hey Emma,

It's good to write down your feelings, even if no-one sees it, you can get them down on paper and get your anger out, cry etc.

I hope it makes you feel better it's down on paper, it's a first step.  How bout going out back and breaking a plate?

I really don't know if I'm even making sense, sol I'll end with a hug, if you ever need a chat drop me a pm, xxxxxxxxxxxx

Posted: 11 July 2007 at 10:01am | IP Logged

Chick....all I can say is....write it down on paper...then burn it!

You will feel better after you have burnt it trust me.  My childhood wasnt as rough as yours, but wasnt a barrel of laughs at the same time. 

Messy divorce, adoption, assaulted at 14, messy relationships, mental cruelty..the works.

Ive always written it down, and then burnt it...always works for me..like a massive weight lifted as all my troubles have gone off in a puff of smoke.  Rapidly followed by a nice stomp out with the hounds.

Posted: 11 July 2007 at 10:03am | IP Logged

Oh Em!!! You are special! To have to grow up with all this hanging over you, and to come accross to others as fine and stable takes an amazing person! I think though you should maybe try a bit of counslling, just to try and get off your chest things that you have here, and other stuff. Don't think it matters if you can tell someone exactly how you feel but just going through stuff like you have here may help to clear out some of those closets a little. If writing stuff down is easier for you, then keep doing this. It may help getting things down in black and white.

Don't really know what else to say really. Loads of love to you!!!!

Posted: 11 July 2007 at 11:42am | IP Logged

i agree with whats been said hun you must keep writing it down if its helpnig,i know what you mean about not been able to talk to close family and friends,that makes it too personal i suppose,you know you can talk to us on here any time,feel free to pm me to let it all out if thats what you need to do. i would say going for some councilling would help too,it will allow you to talk through what you went through but with someone whos not involved and whos trained to help you deal with certain emotions.

coming across as being strong to others is good but whats the point in pretending when deep down you know your not completely happy,if other ppl are seeing and thinking your fine then you must be bottling all this sadness up inside you and that is not going to help at all.

youv already done the right thing in posting this message and i hope you know we will all be here for you as you have been for many of us and me lately too.

go see yr gp and ask to be reffered to a counciller chik,only when you open up will you be able to deal with your skeletons.

you know where i am and im thinking of you dont go through this alone xxxx

Posted: 11 July 2007 at 1:14pm | IP Logged

I think you are a strong person to have actually sat down and wrote that. I think people that appear brave and strong are almost nearly the ones that have things that they want to hide and forget about. I agree that you should write it all down and burn it, it like a whole weight will be lifted off your shoulders. Im sorry that there isnt anything that i can say that will make it better for you but i would say you have taken the first step into sorting it out.

I have issues that i need to deal with my parents split and my mum fell to pieces and because i look like my dad i seemed to take more * than i should off, i also had to be her strength as she would never off got through it with out me i gave up a lot of my teenage years to support her but she never realises that, and because off the way it was it has definatly affected me i believe im a different adult than i would have been some for the better and some for the worse.

I hope you carry on your road to recovery but dont feel awkard talking about it xxx

Posted: 11 July 2007 at 1:16pm | IP Logged

I am very sorry to hear everything that you have gone tru in your childhood, no child should ever have to go tru that.

I agree with the girls its good to get your feelings out and hopefully some day that your past will be easier to deal with.