Health Forums

Posted: 11 July 2007 at 7:47pm | IP Logged

Emma - sorry to winge? Winge? YOU ARE NOT WINGEING! What a horrendous lot of things for a young child to have had to put up with, and they must be incredibly painful to let out even as an adult. This a tremendous step you've taken in beginning to write this all down, it is as far from wingeing as it's possible to be.

Now I'm no councillor, Emma, but there a couple of things you put in your post that really concern me and I want you to know a few things.

1) These are not 'simple everyday things'. Just because there may be people out there who are worse off than you does not mean that you are not entitled to support to get through this. The abuse that you yourself experienced and witnessed being uinflicted on others, is not a 'simple everyday' thing. It is a horrendous violation of what should have been an innocent and carefree childhood. You are entitled to be angry and upset about it, it's the first part of moving on.

2) Most importantly: NONE OF THIS WAS/IS YOUR FAULT. You were a child. You could not have prevented anything that happend to you, your brother or your mum. You were not 'so bad as a toddler'. You had experienced and witnessed things that, as you say yourself, no 2 year old should have. You reacted by throwing stuff down the stairs - so what? I would say that's a perfectly healthy 2-year old reaction to an enormous amount of stress. It could have been an awful lot worse, and even then it would not have been your fault. You must have had huge amounts of conflicting and difficult emotions churning around in you as a small child, even without the understanding you obviously knew that things were wrong, and dealing with that by throwing things down the stairs is completely understandable. It defnintely does not make you a bad child. It makes you a child in bad circumstances.

It's good that you're not asking for answers, as no-one here, or anywhere else can give them to you. That's not to say that by keepng a diary, or by talking to a professional councillor, you won't be able to make peace within yourself, which is where it's important to have it. But you have to start telling yourself, and trying to believe, that you were powerless in all this. Although it would be painful, imagine one of your children blaming themself for something bad happening to you, then think what you would tell them. This must be exceptionally hard for you, Emma, and (hopefully without sounding patronising) we're all really proud of you for having the strength to write this down and begin to work it through. It's going to take time, but there is help available in whatever form you feel ready to take it. A visit to your gp might be a good start, just to get some contacts for councillors, then sit on them for a few days while you think whether this might be helpful for you. I wish it was as easy as me just saying, "it's not your fault", and you could just go "oh, right, OK", but it isn't. This is something that you've kept locked inside for a very long time, and it will take time to be rid of the guilt that you have NO NEED to feel.

Now I've gone on. Sorry.

I don't feel fake sympathy for you, I feel extreme anger at the adults who should have protected the child you were and violated their position and the trust that was placed in them. I feel genuinely sorry that such awful things happened to you, and continue to happen to others. Good on you for getting it out. It's a terrific start. I sent you gentle hugs in your other thread, but this one comes with massive bear ones!

Love Rachel x

Posted: 11 July 2007 at 8:47pm | IP Logged

Em, Ive got you on msn. Ive written and re-written things here and nothing seems remotely like the 'right' thing to say.

You know its not your fault babe. You need to use that strong charateristic you have to help you get through this, and you will babe I promise. Now its surfaced to the top you can deal with it and put it behind you properly. It wont happen over night, but it will babe, and I'll be right here with you every step xxxxx

Posted: 11 July 2007 at 9:48pm | IP Logged

Hi Emma

Idont want to give you sympathy as thats not what you want but also i didnt want to read and run! so i will say this if it helps you to just write it all down or to scream and shout then do whats best for you get it out.

I hope you find the best way to get through this and we are all here to listen .

Take care Becky xxx

Posted: 11 July 2007 at 11:42pm | IP Logged

Oh Em what a horrible thing for you to have to go through as a child.

You've been so brave in posting this. You done the hardest part in admitting that it's getting you down. It's sounds like you want to sort it all in your head and try to move on. Could you talk things through with your Mum? Maybe she's too close to it all but you might get some answers. Definately think about councilling I had some and it certainly helped me in the past.

You are a wonderful person and mother and never underestimate that. I bet you just have to look at your girls and they smile back. Just remember that you are special to madmums too and please don't ever feel like your whingeing. You'd give us a telling off if we said that tee hee.   

Take Care Emma

Love Ali xx

Posted: 15 July 2007 at 5:49pm | IP Logged

Hello everyone. I just wanted to say a huge thankyou to everyone who read and posted to this thread. I was really touched and thanks for not pitying me thats not what i wanted at all. I sat here in tears reading most of your replies as so much of what most of you said made me see alot of things in a different light. Plus writing it down made me find some answers i couldn't find at the time. I have been alot more positive and i feel i have changed for the better for just sharing that. There is still along way to go i know and i am still considering my options. I really do feel better for sharing this with you rather than close friends or family. I think alot is as i only have to answer what i want and the answers i know. My biggest fear is people asking questions and wanting answers i don't have. At least on here i have time to think and then reply.

Right now i am on top of the world and thankyou to you all. I know it won't last but i will deal with that when the time comes. xxxxxxx

Posted: 15 July 2007 at 5:58pm | IP Logged

I can't begin to imagine how awful it must've been for you growing up witnessing all of those horrible things. None of them were your fault at all.

I know that you will feel down again but you are an amazing woman who has got two beautiful girls and you can be stronger in everyway possible.

You always have MM's too, xxxxxxxxxx.

Posted: 15 July 2007 at 9:11pm | IP Logged

Aww hun so sorry to hear what a terrible time you have had.  If it helps talking aloud you go for it.  We are all hear to try and help but to def listen.

Take care and speak soon xxx