Joined: 30 June 2005 United Kingdom Posts: 6849 Gender: Female
Posted: 16 July 2007 at 7:04pm | IP Logged
Ive had 2 conversations today, slightly different but on the same topic. Men with children. Someone I know hasn't met Joshua before, and asked me how I feel about it when he does. To me its no issue, I trust him, and I wouldnt let Joshua get to know him if I didn't. He is a big kid himself, and is a complete nutta lol he said he has sometimes had stern looks or comments if he has tried playing with a lo. Then I got a counselling email (I do voluntary counselling in the field of child abuse and molestation). The question was regarding her husband, she was asking if he could be a child molester because he got on well with the children in the family (nieces and nephews). She said that he would be happy to play and get stuck in with whatever they were doing and they all loved him. She went into detail and to me sounded like another guy who was just a big kid. Nothing she said sparked 'abuser' in my mind. She even said herself that it was a shame this day in age men cant have fun with children incase they are labelled.
This really angers me. If a woman was playing with a group of children, people will probably say 'awwww look at her she'll make a great mum one day, she is great with kids' a guy does it and its instantly 'do you think he is playing appropriately, could he be touching them'. When I put Joshua in nursery there was all lassies, and one lad. He left after about 4 months because the parents refused to let their child be changed by him, or left with him, despite him having the same criminal checks as the lassies. I personally thought it was great having a guy in the nursery. As a single parent and no 'man' in Joshua's life at that time, having a guy in the nursery was good for him.
I know there has been a few times on here Ive seen people say oh I dont know how I would feel if there was a guy working in my los nursery. Has it really become an age where men are guilty until proven innocent? I mean now women can ring the police and vet potential boyfriends for child abuse crimes, is this how the world is going to be? People cant hug a child for fear they will be reported, avoid being alone with a child.
Men can make just as good child carers as women do, some men are far better with kids than women. I know that abuse happens, and I know that there are some very sick and wrong people in the world, but is it right to assume that every man we come across 'might' be doing wrongful things to children? As parents, how can we trust anyone if this is how we are expected to think?
Joined: 11 June 2005 United Kingdom Posts: 8721 Gender: Female
Posted: 16 July 2007 at 7:14pm | IP Logged
I think it's a tragedy in this day and age to have to worry whether your partner/husband/boyfriend is a child abuser just because they play well with the kids! However a male childminder I am 'stereotyped' as I much prefer it to be a woman that was looking after my kids, not because of those kinds of fears though! Dh is absolutely useless and feeds the kids on junk, ds1 and ds2 play way too harsh, so I haven't had a good experience in that department. However if their was a male nursery teacher, I think it would be a good thing, as at least then the boys do have a role model to look up to.
Joined: 12 December 2005 United Kingdom Posts: 776 Gender: Female
Posted: 16 July 2007 at 8:01pm | IP Logged
It is the way the world is today.I have always had a male Hv and he is fantastic but soem people are funny with him, there has also been a few trainee Hvs at the clinic and one of them is a guy and some people do refuse to have them in the room when they weigh there children. To me this is really odd as they have obviously had the same checks as the female hvs. It shouldn't depend on the sex of whoever looks after the kids. Men can be good carers(my dp excluded similar to Vickis hubby, feeds kids on junk food!) and should be given as much of a chance as women carers.
Joined: 07 June 2006 United Kingdom Posts: 4165 Gender: Female
Posted: 16 July 2007 at 8:09pm | IP Logged
It drives me up the wall. There was a lovely lad who worked at a nearby nursery, but he ended up giving up his job there as he couldnt handle all the comments that he was getting. He felt like he was always having to justify what he did and why, whereas the women that worked there never had to. It was shame as he was a really really great bloke and fantastic with the kids.
When joe and I first got back together he refused to help me give tasja a bath, or to get her ready for bed or dressed etc, not that he wasnt capable or anything he was just worried about what people would think or say. Which was really hard for him. With Isla, even as a baby he still worried about all those things, however now, well he doesnt think twice about doing all the things that need to be done...and with isla sometimes it deserves a medal put it that way
Joined: 04 February 2007 United Kingdom Posts: 598 Gender: Female
Posted: 16 July 2007 at 8:26pm | IP Logged
Personally my with my wee boy if there's a group of women and one guy say at a party or something, he'll go to the guy. lol. At his wee friend's birthday he mostly played with his papa lol as all the kiddies got a bit rough!
I don't have a problem with male carers, tells you they have a sensitive side, and if he's been checked like all the female carers then there should be no problem.
As long as I know the guy, I have no problems with him, Travis will probably be up to him like a shot anyhoo.
Joined: 17 June 2005 United Kingdom Posts: 5013 Gender: Female
Posted: 16 July 2007 at 9:06pm | IP Logged
This is something I have never really thought about.
One of the staff on the midwifery unit i gave birth to was a man and i never sat and thought about the fact that he was male.
There are lots of male teacher who are in sole charge of classes, and no one bats an eye, there is a male nursery teacher at Harry's school.
I think it is a shame that some people think this way, I know my sister does and movedf my nephew from his nursery because she said the guy gave her the creaps, so she trusted her own instincts and moved my nephew.
Joined: 13 June 2005 United Kingdom Posts: 8803 Gender: Female
Posted: 17 July 2007 at 12:40pm | IP Logged
I agree its a shame.
When I was little my dad would often bath us. We had a very open family and would all walk around naked without worry or shame. Sometimes we'd all share a bath. There was never anything untoward happening but I know both my parents went through stages of worrying what other people would say if they found out.
I have recently read 2 books about child abuse in the family, one was Abandoned and the other was Don't tell Mummy. They were real eye openers but I do now think people have gone far too far with this and men are afraid to play with children.
I personally would welcome a male nursery teacher. We had a male teacher at primary school who although could be strict was great fun and a great role model for the boys.
Joined: 01 June 2006 Ireland Posts: 1629 Gender: Female
Posted: 17 July 2007 at 12:55pm | IP Logged
I do agree with everything that has been said but I will have to admit that i would be very slow to let a man mind rachel. (if at all)
Only reason being is my sister was sexually abused by a member of our family whom we trusted very much (it occured from the age of 4 till 10) and he use to say awful stuff to me like when I was a teenager he said that he should break me in so I wouldn't be a virgin Etc.
I know it sound gross but it did happen and my poor sister didn't tell me untill 2 years ago.
My dh baths rachel, changes nappies everything, he is a fantistic father.
Joined: 29 June 2005 United Kingdom Posts: 2422 Gender: Female
Posted: 17 July 2007 at 12:58pm | IP Logged
i think its awfull how society judges men like this,the primary school i went to had only 80 pupils and a male head teacher,it was a v personal school and andy the head was such a brilliant role model,his values and morals were so high and he made it his job to teach all of us these morals and standards not just the cirriculum,in summer we would all take our swimming stuff and have water fights in the playground(including all the teachers),in winter we would all go sledging in the fields opposite school,if we fell or were upset he would sit us on his knee and give us a cuddle and wipe our tears,it was the most innocent loving relationship between him and all of his pupils,he was so family orientated and taught me so much about the real world as he has done many others,towards the end of his teaching carreer he often got upset about how he may be judged and how others are seen. if only there were more schools and teachers who taught like this i honestly feel there would be so many more well educated children otu there,unfortunately a teacher can not now even offer a shoulder for support without people reading into it....
Joined: 22 November 2006 United Kingdom Posts: 1595 Gender: Female
Posted: 17 July 2007 at 1:14pm | IP Logged
If the blokes have passed all the same checks as the girls then there shouldn't be a problem. It is a sad world we live in. The male teachers at my school were just as nice and appoachable as the women, sometimes even more so. Like you say Chris, its a shame that blokes get looke at if they play with kids, even their own, especially girls! Everyone seems to pre judge them. Ifwe had a girl, I'd like to hope that dh wouldn't treat her any differently than he has Ben. And would still bath and change her and play with her.
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Topic: Men with children
