Parenting Forums

Posted: 18 September 2007 at 11:13am | IP Logged

Don't know if anyone can give me any advice - but Becca has gone and got herself a 16 year old boyfriend!!!

Needless to say I'm less than impressed, as she is only 13 (although I know she does look older, unfortunately). My dh is trying to lay down the law and say an outright "No you're not" - which I've tried to tell him won't work, as she'll continue to see him but it will be "on the sly", which means I can't keep tabs on what's going on. At least at the moment she talks to me about everything.

Becca's dad (my ex) has been on the phone shouting at me - his first words when she handed me the phone were "What are you thinking about??" to which I replied "I didn't choose him for her" lol! After a heated discussion with him I decided he'd be absolutely no help with handling this, so decided to ask for some help from you ladies!

I know lots of you have lo's too young to have been through anything like this yet, but I'd be interested to see how you would handle things in a similar situation.

I spoke to Becca about the age difference, and I'd like to speak to him as well - to point out how young she is, acceptable behaviour towards her etc.

Oh my goodness - I sympathise with my mum and dad now! lol

xxx

Posted: 18 September 2007 at 11:42am | IP Logged

Hi I think the suggestion of having him round and getting to know his is good, you then being seen to be letting her make her own choices. If your concerned maybe a chat with her and him about sex and contraceptives as he is of age and she isn't, and your more than willing to let them come round your etc (as you say then you can keep an eye on it), as its better in your house than out there on the streets. Might be worthwhile also chatting to her about peer pressure and that fact that no does me no even if he says he loves you and everything will be ok.

I know the above can be scary topics but at lea st you'll know you've done all you can for her, its unfortunatly one of those times when we have to try and step back and let them make and learn from there own mistakes.... he of course might be a gentleman but you don't know till you meet him.

Posted: 18 September 2007 at 1:57pm | IP Logged

hiya,well,firstly i think if you or your dp or her dad or anyone else starts telling her she cant see him she will most deff see him just because shes not meant to,i was a lil mare at that age and i know if i had had more support and someone to takl to i wouldnt have done half the stuff i did,she obviously can talk to you so you need to keep that,if she asks to go out to see him just suggest that he might like to come to yours instead,dont let her know your doing it to keep an eye on them but i know i will always be happier having bronia indoors with friends and stuff rather than not know what their doing and where. i think they might be grateful if you gave them a place to go,at that age they are often just wandering around with not much to do so the idea of chilling at your house and prob eating ytou out of house and home will appeal,dont expect the worste,they are kids,they just want to chill out and have a laugh.

hth xxx

Posted: 18 September 2007 at 2:11pm | IP Logged

I dont have a lo at that age, but I did have an older boyfriend when I was almost her age. I had a good relationship with my parents (still do) but I felt I could be open and honest with them. I was 14 when I met Joshua's dad, who was 24 at the time. I told my parents, and assured them we were not having sex (we werent.. well I wasnt- another story) They set out the rules, on school nights I was to be home by 10pm, on the understanding I would come home from school and complete all my homework first, at weekends I was allowed out till 11pm (after chores etc). I always respected their rules and I made sure I stuck to them, and if I was going to be a bit late I would always ring them with my reason.

I did sneak about at first not knowing how to tell them and I hated it. You should be really proud that she has told you, and thats a good sign that she isn't going to disrespect you. I was with my ex for over 6 years, and have a gorgeous baby boy by him. When I started to have a sexual relationship with him, I discussed it with my mum and I went on the pill.

Sometimes i wonder if that relationship was right for me. My parents hated him, hated me being with him. Everyone could see how he was treating except me. However, not one person tried to stop it. They all let me get on with it. After I split I asked them why, and everyone said they didnt want to but a barrier up incase I did stupid things to get round it. I really respected them for that, and they respected me for my honesty throughout the relationship. It wasnt always rosey, I'd be grounded and scream and shout and run off to see him, I was a teenager, but on the whole I kept up good communications and my parents allowed him to come to mine in the evenings and were polite.

If your lo has told you, then I would sit her down and tell her how much that means to you. I would also explain to her that although you wont try to stop them being together, she does have to remember she is only a minor and therefore rules come first. Then lay down what you want, allowing for some compromising. Like certainly homework before going out, or chores, family responsibilities, but allow her a bit extra freedom at weekends of something. Ask her not to engage into a sexual relationship until she knows him and feels she wants to, and remind her the legal age is 16. I would also ask her if she does do something that she goes on the pill and uses a condom. A safe sex talk might be best. If she knows that you kind of support her, although not completely happy, she is more likely to treat you with respect and abide by your rules. She's sounds like a clever girl, and certainly not stupid, so Im sure she'll look after herself. Not all 16 year old boys are bad ones, and dont forget she has been honest in telling you they are an item.

Posted: 18 September 2007 at 2:29pm | IP Logged

Oh god, this is the one I'm dreading with my two... needless to say hubby would prefer them to avoid boys all together (and for thier sakes, that might be a good idea - lol!). 

I'm not sure how I would handle this but I'd definitely not go in too heavy handed, after all, it might just be an innocent thing (esp on her part) that'll fizzle out of it's own accord.  I think either way, you will need to have 'the talk' with her as she's obviously getting to that age (she'll probably know more than you - lol!) and I'd make sure that they spend very little time alone.  I'd definitely invite him round and if it looks as if things might start to get serious, I'd definitely have a talk with him and don't forget his parents! make sure you both agree on rules etc.  After all, you don't want to worry that if they go his house, then 'anything goes'.

It really is a tricky one hun as you def don't want her sneaking about or withdrawing from you and it's exactly a situation like this that ends up causing it.  At the end of the day you know your daughter better than anyone and can really only deal with it as you see fit.. thank god you've got a good relationship with her.

Good luck hun, and let us know what you do... I'm thinking of you.