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Posted: 03 April 2008 at 12:55pm | IP Logged

I know this message is long but I would appreciate so much if someone could read it and offer support, I haven't opened up about this problem in 5 years.  Thankyou to everyone in advance.

In October 2002 I converted to Islam. Approximately 3 months later, I met and married a Muslim man (Arab) and moved from my hometown in Scotland to England to live with him. I kept this as a secret from my parents who are White, British. The reason I hid this from them was because I knew they would react badly to me converting and marrying someone from a different faith and background. (my parents are christian but non practising). 1 year later I told them after telling them I was living with a flat mate "down south". My father hit the roof, and wouldn't speak to me for 1 month. My mother was equally upset but not as bad as my father. My mother tried to patch things up between us, and eventually succeeded in helping my father and I to talk to each other again. However, they were not happy at the fact that I was with my husband, and when our marriage went downhill (due to our own marital problems) my parents tried to convince me to come back to Scotland. I was determined not to, for the sake of being able to practise my religion freely without my paretns interfeering, and I hoped that one day I would remarry. I decided to stay in England.

1 year later, I remarried to a Pakistani man who is also my best friends cousin. We have 1 son together who is 16months old and I am expecting again with my second child who will be born in November this year. My parents or should I say my dad, tried to convice me to have an abortion with the first child, but I stuck to my guns and I had him. Knowing that I would not accept a abortion, they persuaded me to stay with them during maternity leave, which I did, because my husband had to return to Paksitan and sort out his spousal visa. They supported me and my first son for 1 year and I dont know what I would have done without my mothers support. However, after I had the first child, my dad warned me not to get pregnant again. When I told them recently that I was expecting my second child, this time my MOTHER tried to persuade me to get a abortion and my dad started calling my husband racist names. My own mother had a abortion when she was 18 and tried to committ suicide afterwards. I just couldnt believe she was asking me if I was going to keep it. She also told me not to tell anyone including my husband that I was pregnant because she wanted me to get rid of it.

After the conversation we had, she put the phone down and 1 week later I haven't heard from my parents! They have made no contact whatsoever. I am really shocked because my mother was trying to build a relationship with my husband on the phone and things were going ok. Now I realise that they were hoping for a marriage break-up and for me to return to Scotland with my son - for good!. While I was living with them during my maternity leave (when my husband was in Pakistan) my dad tried to persuade me to live in Scotland - for my son to attend a christian school - and for my son to tell the other children that he doesnt have a father! How cruel can you get!

My parents hate my religion, hate my choice of husbands and have made my life hell for 4 years since I came to England. They try to convice me to come home, go back to my old way of living and turn my back of my children(s) father. I love my parents. However, I cant take their constant blackmail, torment any more. I have tried to have good relations with them over the years. I make a special effort to celebrate christmas with them every year - I fly to Scotland to be with them on this day. I contact my mum regularly to get her involved with being a "granny" to my son. Up until the second pregnancy, she has been helping me out alot by sending clothes and money for my son. I really appreciated their help. Now, they have cut off contact with me and my father shouts racial abuse down the phone towards my husband. I just dont know what to do. We are living with his sister because we cant financially afford a place of our own. Please can someone give me some advice, I am just torn in so many directions. I am going through the morning sickness and I am having it really bad morning, day and night, I cant cope with this stress right now.  Please help.

Posted: 03 April 2008 at 1:10pm | IP Logged

Fisrt of all welcome to madmum's, i am Emma, i am mum to ds Willliam 4 and dd Kimi 2 and step mum to sd Jamie 16 and sd Natahsa 13.

Your family are entilted to an opinion but thats all it is an opinion and they have no right to call anyone racist names of have a child denounce their own family. I would personally ignore them until they realise they are behaving in an un appropriate manner, i would send cards and gifts through the post from the children so they don't lose the contact but other than that i would lead my own life for myself and my own family, no-one else.

Posted: 03 April 2008 at 1:15pm | IP Logged

Hi hun

Firstly welcome to madmums. I'm sorry to hear that for the past few years you've been having problems.

Have you spoken to your local council about housing, have you call the job centre to make sure your getting all the help finacially that you can?

As for you hun have you been to see your doctor... if not i would suggest you go. I would also consider and suggest you see a councillor to help you work though the bottled up emotions that you've been struggling with over the years. If your sickness is also really bad i would make sure you get checked out to make sure your not getting de-hydrated.... how far on are you?

How is this all affecting your children? Are his family ok with you? Sorry this reply is manly questions but i'm just trying to get a picture so i can try and help you.

I'm sorry your family aren't being more supportive and open minded. But for now (and this is only my opinion) i would try and forget about them and focus on you and your family, it's them thats missing out and that's not your fault. I'm not saying disown them but build on your own confidence and self esteem first and get your family life sorted out first then you can always hold out an olive branch to your family later on.

Take care hun

Posted: 03 April 2008 at 1:35pm | IP Logged

Thanks to mum2willnkimi &zanynut for your prompt replies!

We have put our names down on the housing list but the area that I am living in has a waiting list of 5 years!  I am living with my husbands sister in her own house, but there is not enough space and she has asked my friend to tell me she wants us to leave when the new baby comes!  She was being polite about it.  The other problem (why is my life just full of them) is that his sister has a mental health problem.  It's very hard to explain the nature of her illness but her symptoms are that she talks so much and doesn't know when to stop until someone has to tell her.  She shouts at her children and when this happens she will return to the kitchen and talk to herself for a few hours (alone) getting angrier and angrier until eventually she calms down.  She is very slow in the house with housework, and I often have to do it myself as the house is in a constant mess.  She argues with everybody including me, and doesnt know how to talk - just shouts at the top of her voice.  My husband has lived with her for years and tries his best to help her with housework, money, anything she needed but he also found it very hard to live with her.  Her daughter  (my niece) tries to form a close relationship with me, but her mother gets jealous calling me her enemy and hits her daughter for trying to get to close to me.  I love my niece but I am trying (for her mothers sake) not to go to High Street with her, spend as little time with her as possible, so as not to cause a rift between mother and daughter.  On many occations, she watches my every move.  She doesnt like me touching any of her things and if I go to throw anything away ie empty boxes, used juice bottles, empty chocolate tins etc, she snatches them off me and tells me "this is not your house, dont touch my stuff".  If I use the dryer for too long (when she washes clothes, she doesnt dry them properly and they are damp) she will switch off the dryer and fight with me telling me that I am wasting electricity and if I want to live here, it will be under her rules.  I am crying writing this because my life is just a mess.

My son is too young to understand what is going on, he is 16 months. I work full time and send him to nursery where he will be in a better environment away from this house and all the troubles.  But as a mother I feel guilty every time I drop him off, I keep thinking - what kind of mother am I to dump her kid.  I am expecting my second child, stupid me, I cant even look after my first properly and I am already having another one due to  not wearting contraception and being utterly stupid and careless.  I just want to kill myself, but I know I have a responsibility to my child(ren).  I am so depressed and I didnt realise it until now.  I need my parents, and I just cant believe how they are treating me and my husband.  I know it is difficult for any parent to discover their child has changed faith, and I have never cut ties with them, despite the constant blackmail and toruture I have endured for 5 years.  They are my parents at the end of the day and I love them so much and God only knows....I miss them so much.

Just to add that I am 6 weeks pregnant, due November this year.  I get such bad sickness with this one - my last pregnancy was easy with only sickness in the morning for 1 week or 2 at the most and that was it.  I've been off work all week due to constant vomitting.  Collegues at work say its a girl, not sure if thats true.

Posted: 03 April 2008 at 3:23pm | IP Logged

Hun i think you're stuck in a very difficult position. I can only suggest you go to your doctor and get a sick note for the sickness but also tell them of the stresses you have at home and the depression that it's causing you. I don't have any personal experiences with the housing authorities but all i can suggest is to go back and see them, let them know how bad your situation is and how it's affecting you.

Do you know if you sil is seeing anyone? If she continues to hit i can only suggest that you consider social services they might also beable to verify your housing needs and how urgent they are. Also i can only voice make sure your getting all the help you can finacially and the job centre are the best port of call.

I know it's hard but at least you've done the first and the hardest step... letting it all out. I can only give you pointers and yes you're in for a rough journey but i hope something can be sorted soon for you.

Hugs hun x

ps. Please don't consider me nosey but does your husband earn a good wage? Would you beable to afford to pay for private renting? what i'm trying to say is if you can afford the mthly payments and it's the inital deposit thats scary have a word with your local council as sometimes they will and can lend out the inital bit. 

Posted: 03 April 2008 at 4:18pm | IP Logged

Hi there and thank to everyone who has replied.  God you are all so helpful, you really are!!

To answer some of the questions raised in previous posts.  I live with my sister-in-law and her 2 children (sorry should have made this clear earlier), the girl is 13 and the boy is 15 years old.  That's all the family my husband has here in England, the rest (and he comes from a large family) are living abroad.  I only have 1 friend living in my town who I go to see nearly every day.  She is also cousins with my husband.

My husband is working in McDonalds which doesn't pay good money.  They are only giving him part time hours at the moment and keep promising him a full time contract, but this has been going on every week and the manager keeps telling him he will sort this out soon, weeks go by and nothing.  The salary he receives is next to nothing.  The good news (its about time I said something positive lol) is that I am working and earning around £1,000 a month after tax which is not too bad. My husband is on the 2 year spousal visa and he is not allowed to claim public funds during the period.  I am allowed to do this as it is my right due to being a British Citizen, but I am afraid that by claiming any government help, I might damage his Indefinate Leave at the end of the 2 years as they dont look favourably apon the sponsor claiming government help, especially since I vowed to maintain him without recourse to public funds whilst he is here.  I have sought help from an Immigration Lawyer, but they charge a bomb for first consultation and many of these lawyers are not willing to do "free" consultations over the phone.  Anyway, this is something I have to sort out, I dont want to go on and on boring you all to tears with one problem after another.  My friend has told me that I will find it an utter nightmare coping with looking after a newborn and a 2 year old at the same time.  Wish I had waited until the kid was 5 years old and at school before having my second one.

I dont know much about renting privately. If I am going to be on a housing list for so long, can anyone tell me what my other options are? Can I get any help with renting privately?  I better make that trip to the jobcentre/Council Office and find out my options.