Joined: 13 June 2005 United Kingdom Posts: 8802 Gender: Female
Posted: 22 April 2008 at 11:07am | IP Logged
I feel like I am falling apart - like I have lost who I am and who I am meant to be.
At the beginning of this year I was determined to have a brilliant year and for a couple of months I was buzzing. I smiled all the time, took up cycling and salsa dancing and lost a stone in weight. I was happy and determined to stay that way. I started a new business and felt my life was in control again.
Just when it all felt so good, my SPD reared its head again - and this time badly. For a month I was on high dose morphine, hardly able to move from the sofa, unable to be me, to look after my son. I couldnt focus on my business, I couldnt be a proper wife or housewife.
I have had my treatment and am nearly 3 weeks down the line now. The pain hasnt gone as well as I was expecting it to yet and that is getting to me. Plus I have now found myself with a morphine addiction and am facing up to a year, possibly more, fighting to come off them. But I have lost my motivation, I've lost my smile.
I cant seem to find my positive attitude again, I cant focus on anything or get on with life. I want to curl up and let it all go on around me. Without Eds I wouldnt even get up in the morning. DH is away for the next couple of days which makes me worse but even so, he tries and I cant pull myself out of it.
I am also starting to accept I will never have another baby - and its breaking my heart. But I have to be realistic - I would probably end up in a wheelchair, maybe for life, if I fell pregnant again - and I have to put Edward first. DH is happy with one and doesnt want another anyway and I think I have to make a decision soon as contraception wise its risky as I fell with Eds on the pill and DH is scared to make me pg again.
I dont know what to do - I dont want to go on anti ds when I am fighting so hard to come off other medication at the moment. I just need to refind my motivation. I cant talk to DH about it, he has supported me through depression so many times in the past and he hates to see me so low. My mum is doing so well with her own battle with depression I cant bring her back down with me. I feel so lonely sometimes which is silly as I have lovely friends, but I cant always open up and let them in as much as I need.
Joined: 01 June 2006 Ireland Posts: 1629 Gender: Female
Posted: 22 April 2008 at 11:44am | IP Logged
I have not been on line as much so I had no idea you were feeling so bad and were going tru so much.
I don't mean to be rude so please don't take this the wrong way but have you thought of getting come counseling. It would be some one you could open up to and you would not have to worry about weather or not their opinion of you changed, the same way would with friends.
You have had to deal with so much and going trough pain every day of your life would get any body down.
I some times feel like talking to some one can get the weight of the world off you shoulders, especially if they don't know you personally.
I found when I was diagnosed with mild pnd, talking to my gp, who didn't even know me at the time (my usual gp was out so it was my first time meeting her) really helped.
All I can say it, I hope you feel better soon but something needs to be done as no one deserves to go tru life miserable.
Joined: 29 June 2005 United Kingdom Posts: 2422 Gender: Female
Posted: 22 April 2008 at 12:07pm | IP Logged
hi madz,im really sorry to read how low you feel,i had noticed your positive happy attitude and you seemed to be doing sooo well,i cant imagine how hard it must be living with so much pain everyday and you seem to do so much to keep it at bay,it must feel like your wasting yr time and nothing is going to help,i can totally relate to just wanting to curl up and let the world carry on around you,but as you say,you cant do that as you have eds,id advise the same as martha,speak to someone new if poss and let it all out,have a good cry,feel sorry for yourself for a while and then im pretty certain the madz we all know will soon bounce back with avengance!! i dont think you should regret or feel bad about the situation with the morphine,you had to give it a go and it gave you chance to be pain free,it does seem like a long time to have to come off it and i do think the docs should have warned you of this before hand but i think if you take it slowly and follow the advice you may be off it quicker than you think.....keep yr chin up,we're all here for you,try find a few things you can easily focus on to take your mind off the other situations....thinking of you xxx
Joined: 11 September 2007 United Kingdom Posts: 3057 Gender: Female
Posted: 22 April 2008 at 1:40pm | IP Logged
Hunny you numb nuts!
I know you're having a inner battle at the moment you don't hide it as much as you think you do..... i just know you'll let others in when you can put the confussion into words!
You know i love you like a sister hun and you're very dear to me..... so from me to you.....
You are a female, name Maddy Dilley, mum of eddy and my best bud. You live in a house in St. Ives, Cambridgeshire. You have a lovely collection of shoes and clothes and always look stunning!
If thats not enough your birthday is in June and your a gemini! Lol may be my twin! lol!!
But on a serious note babes i know you're struggling coming to terms with you might have gotten the best of what the injections can offer and that, the amount of time and that nothing is ever going to be set in stone. The fact that you can't have another child due to the spd is down to personal choice hun and i think you'll work though it.... at the end of the day you have a beautiful son and yes you lucky to have him but you will and can find your smile even if i have to tickle your feet!
Joined: 24 April 2007 United Kingdom Posts: 1937 Gender: Female
Posted: 22 April 2008 at 2:41pm | IP Logged
Really sorry to hear you feel so bad. I also agree with Martha - have you thought about counselling. I too tried it while suffering with PND after having Cameron, and found it a huge help to be able to talk to someone who was completely seperate from my everyday life. While it does help to talk to friends and family, sometimes it's easier when it's a stranger - you don't feel like you're burdening them. Don't suffer feeling like this on your own though - I'm sure your dh would far rather you spoke to him than not.
I was advised after having Ruthie not to have any more children, due to my SPD. Cameron wasn't planned, and by some miracle I actually suffered less with my SPD while pg with him than normally. I have no idea how that happened. I don't quite know what I'm trying to say here - but it must be such a difficult thing for you to decide and then learn to accept - and my heart goes out to you. Am thinking of you.
Joined: 05 July 2006 United Kingdom Posts: 2389 Gender: Female
Posted: 22 April 2008 at 4:40pm | IP Logged
Madz, I really dont know what to say, i have no words of wisdom or indeed no magic wand to wave (but if i did, then it would be waved right around now lol), but i did just want to add that you are a very valued and cherished member on here, and im sure we all really feel for what your going through. It's horrible to see you suffering and feeling so bad, when theres not a lot any of us can really do to help you, apart from listen and be here regardless!!
We all know you have the strength and determination, to come out the other side smiling, hiding in there somewhere... would a huge piece of chocolate cake on me not tempt it out? lolol Anyway, i'll stop going on and give you a big hug for now.
Joined: 07 June 2006 United Kingdom Posts: 4165 Gender: Female
Posted: 22 April 2008 at 6:35pm | IP Logged
Woman...you are heading for a bop on the nose from me!
You havent lost you, youve just put her away for a bit.
So what if you think you cant have more kids....never say never.
So what if your looking at a fight to come off morphine...whooopdidoo lady..its going to be tough...but could be so much worse.
End of the day chick YOU ARE ALIVE. Youve just forgotten that bit. Yes life sucks at times. BUT you are ALIVE you are still IMPORTANT and for gods sake woman lots of people LOVE and ADORE you.
Joined: 11 June 2005 United Kingdom Posts: 6070 Gender: Female
Posted: 22 April 2008 at 6:37pm | IP Logged
Depression is all part of taking morphine, you may find you do need to go and get some anti depressents whilst you are coming off of it. This doesn't mean you have failed it means you are facing the problem and dealing with it. Not having another child is a difficult decision and hurts it will take time to get over that and not just a few weeks but probably years. You are doing well and you will get through this.
Joined: 17 June 2005 United Kingdom Posts: 3848 Gender: Female
Posted: 22 April 2008 at 11:26pm | IP Logged
You will get through this Madz. As you say you have every reason to there with your wee lovely boy who needs and loves you so much. He's a credit to you and all you do for him and have done for him. Your life's journey is going down a bit of a rocky bumpy path at the moment, and if you need help down that road then needs must. When I read you were trying to get off your pain meds I wondered if the doctor had advised you to do it as it did seem quite premature- heed the docs advice and if you need anti-depressants too that's nothing to be afraid of. Try to write down a list of the blessings you have in your life and read the list as often as possible to get you through this.
It will pass and you'll come out the other end knowing yourself even better than you thought you would- that's what happens when we experience extremes in our lives.
PS. I think a lot of you and I only know you virtually- so you must be a fabulous person in the real world. Big hugs matey! xxx
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Topic: I've lost who I am
Big hugs matey! xxx