| Posted: 10 June 2008 at 9:42pm | IP Logged
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Hi, welcome to madmums.
I am a single mum to Joshua, 5yrs. He has seen his dad maybe 5 times, all but one occassion long before Joshua remembers. I actually begged Joshua's dad to have access, as Zoe says I didnt want our spilt to ruin Joshua's relationship with his dad. His dad made no effort, the few times he saw him was only if I drove to him and he has never held him. I never once asked him for money.
When Joshua was 3 all his friends had daddies, and although Joshua knew about his dad and had seen photos, he wanted to see him. I tried to make contact via his dads sister, and eventually his dad got back in touch. We talked, and I told him what Joshua wanted. Eventually he agreed to see Joshua, but like you I said there were rules. No secret meetings (his partner knew about Joshua and me, just didnt like me lolol), and it had to be regular. Once a month, week, whatever, but it had to be consistant. He said that he couldnt commit to that, didnt know what time he had to see Joshua. He also said he couldnt be doing with the hassle at home by telling her he was meeting Joshua. So I told him to come back to me when he could shout from the roof top he had a son and he was going to meet him! (Joshua is his 4th child, and he has a younger daughter after Joshua).
His dad got in touch, then lost touch and I told Joshua that his daddy wouldnt come and see him because he was busy. Joshua used to ask daily about him, and told his teachers about this 'amazing dad' he had. In the end hisdad agreed to see him, and so we went to meet him. Joshua said hi, but then ignored him for the whole time, but his dad made no effort to talk to him, just wanted to talk to me. Emails bounced back and forth, and I kept giving him more chances, everytime he cancelled I had to console a very upset little boy. Then he promised to take Joshua out for the day. I made him promise to Joshua and I said if he didnt show, then that would be it, forever. He didnt show and then tried to blame me for not being on msn to arrange it (he knew every way to contact me address, phone, mobile, email etc). I told Joshua daddy broke his promise, and that he wasn't coming to see him. Joshua didnt even get upset, just said I know he never comes. I told his dad that he had blown his last chance, I'd never asked for nothing from him but a few hours of his time. He responded by saying, 'I havent got time for my proper kids, never mind Joshua'. That was all I needed, haven't heard a peep from him in over a year now.
Im all for children seeing their dads, and like Zoe says, I cant abide people using them like pawns after a spilt. However, you know your child. If this man is going to swan in and out of your daughters life it is going to hurt her more. You need to sent a contract that states exactly what you want and once he signs it he has to stick by it. If the money is important then yes I would go through the CSA, as it sounds like he wont keep his word. I would try reasoning with him, let him see his daughter all day, then 2 full days, then over night visits. Explain to him that it needs to be done gradually to make sure your daughter feels secure. If he agrees to this, set reasonable timelines, and then everyoneknows where they stand. I think its better to try sort out anything like this out of the court, but you still need a legally binding contract. If he cant reason with you then make sure you keep copies of any payments he gave you, and any agreements you tried to come to. Try to make time to talk with him, properly with no distractions. Sometimes you have to give a little, but make sure you dont agree to anything you dont want to keep, or know you cant keep to.
I made it clear to my ex he was never going to get access if he let Joshua down any more, and I mean that. Sometimes no father is better than an unreliable father. Do what is best for your daughter!
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Topic: Absent Father Wants Contact
