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Posted: 03 September 2008 at 10:47pm | IP Logged

Ok, im am going to tell you some of my deepest darkest secrets and i would like your honest open opinons. I have only one friend and i don't see her often xx

I can't decide if i should leave my partner or not.. i tend to favour not. I am going to write my reason's for staying and my reasons for going.. This is going to be long.

Reasons to stay:

i love him, He is my first love, We have been together for 12 yrs, He's amazing in bed, We have 2 children together, We have almost everything in commen, He makes me laugh, If i went i would lose the house (rented off his parent's), I f i left i would lose my job (i work for his parents and with him everyday), I don't want to live on a council estate.. most around me are really run down, I don't drive..he drives me places, I feel bad when i think about leaving, When things are going well the relationship feels amazing, Im scared about finding a new house and job with 2 kids and have hardly any money, If i stay i will get a fair amount of money from his parents buisness one day. He gives me money when he's got plenty, He will tell me he wont work work anymore if i leave, He sometimes tell's me he will commit suicide if i left, I feel he is my soul mate, He tells me he loves me more then anything, He has always been faithfull, I would have no sex life. I don't think i could ever meet anyone else or trust them with another woman, I can talk to him about anyting, I can live with the way things are now but am close to being pushed off the cliff, i don't want to be lonely, i have only 1 friend and i dont see her often. my others moved away. My parents have no space for me to live with them.

And now the bad stuff:

He has very bad language which he uses infront of the kids (they are 2 and 3),Sometimes he has a drinking problem, He can be too rough with me (bruiseing whilst play fighting), He is too rough with the kids when he plays with them, He calls me bad names infront of the kids, He doesnt pay any bills but lets me keep his working tax credit, He has cracked my sternum through elbowing which he has never said was an accident, He has given me a black eye (alcohol related),He has hit me and pushed me about several times over the years. (mostly alcohol related), Sometimes he will annoy the kids just to wind me up, Everyday he wil restrain the kids on the sofa making them cry because he wants a cuddle 'qoute, im allowed to cuddle my kids', He uses abusive language towards the kids like whore, bit** , ass who**, bast***, He has beat me with a belt, He doesnt like family outing's, he doesnt often engage in 'normal' play with the kids, He gets depressed sometimes. almost suicidal or saying he wants to die, He says things like i could kill you, you know. When he gets really annoyed with me about things. He has a very short temper, When he gets angrey he with throw or destroy what ever is closest to him, cup of coffe, computer mose etc, Some times i think he loves me sometimes not. I have a feeling he tries it on with women when he goes out drinking and i'm stuck at home though i don't think he would actually cheat on me.

So there you have it. Sometimes i wonder if he has a mental disorder or illness?? Or is he just an ass sometimes?

Thank you so much those that have taken time to read this

Posted: 03 September 2008 at 10:57pm | IP Logged

No one can tell you what to do. only you know. Are you happy?, are you're kids happy? Do you deserve this life? only you know the answers.

Remember we only have one life - make the most of it.

Go with your heart not your head.

Good luck x

Posted: 04 September 2008 at 7:41am | IP Logged

Like Cate said, no one can tell you what to do, however, in my opinion, you dp is showing very violent and controlling behaviour and how much longer can you put up with this?  There are women's refuges out there - probably one in your area, there are also housing associations as opposed to council houses, and also there are people who can help you with accommodation etc. 

You also have to look at the effect this is having on your children.  It cant be good for them.  How often is it bad as compared to being good?

**This is my own opinion only**

Whatever decision you make hunny, will be the right one for you, Im sure.  Just let us know how you get on and I wish you all the best hunny xxxxxx

Posted: 04 September 2008 at 9:09am | IP Logged

This is my opinion: Right now your children have to be your priority, do you feel they are safe with him?  Do you think he would ever harm them?  Are all his problems drink related or is he uncomfortable to be around when he hasn't been drinking too?  I grew up with an alcoholic father and I won't let my children or myself near him now I have a choice.  He could be the nicest man in the world when sober or with a hangover, we learnt as kids to read him and if he was hungover he would buy us anything if he was drunk he was violent with us and with my mother.  There are organisations that can help you if you feel you need help.  You can go and speak to your gp or your hv to get help they can put you in contact with womens refuges if that is the path you choose.

I can see that you have thought about this in great detail and you must be at breaking point to have been pushed to posting on here for our advice.  Think carfully if you don't feel your children are safe then phone your gp or hv today and make an appointment, if this is just an episode that has upset you enough to post here but you feel you and your children are safe then speak to him tell him how he is making you feel, does his parents know what he is like?  Might be worth having them in on the conversation too especially if he is talkign suicide.  On the suicide note people that talk about it rarley do it and it's a type of emotional black mail to make you stay, you can't be held responsible for his actions if you go.

Let us know how you get on, unfortunately like others have said you are the one that is going to have to make the final decision for yours and your childrens safety.

Posted: 04 September 2008 at 10:20am | IP Logged

Hi hun

I agree with the others about it's up to you if you can stand it anymore or not. You and your kids have to come first and your saftey. Does his parents know what he's like? His way of acting with the kids etc? Also do you feel comfortable talking to them?

I think he needs some sort of help but he can't get it or it won't be of benefit if you bring it up without him admitting he has a problem.

I can understand your scared of the unknown but there are organisations out there that can help.... oh and trust me your kids won't suffer if you do leave him they'll he happy as they will be in a happy safe environment.

Have you spoken to him about this all before? I only ask as i had similar with my ex he came to work saying he wanted to kill himself etc all because i'd left him but when someone says to you the last thing you'll see is the back of a white transist van you can't stay put.

Btw i might be off the mark here but i think your very brave for sharing this and realising this is a problem and hunny it's not the way your acting or the kids are acting... so please listen to your head.

Posted: 04 September 2008 at 12:44pm | IP Logged

Proffessional help is a must - whether you stay or go.

I think you need to sort out a suitable time where you can talk. If you are concerned about his violence or unpredictibility then arrange it in a public place, a resturant or pub where you can talk. Ask someone to have the children so you can focus on each other.

Tell him how much you love him etc but that you need some changes and try and support him through it.

However in my opinion if he doesnt change, or wont accept help, then you need to seriously consider leaving.

There is plenty of help avaliable. You need to find out what help you can get so if you find yourself in the position of needing to leave you know who to call and what you will be intiled to. I agree with Zany that you are very brave posting on here, and it shows how much you want to make this work. Just dont let it get to the point where either you or the children are put at serious risk before you do something.

HUGS

Posted: 04 September 2008 at 6:22pm | IP Logged

Awwww hun, you sound like your having a really tough time. As everyone else has said, no one can make this decision for you, but I personally do agree with the others who have said you must put the safety of yourself and your children first.

I threw my eldest DD's Dad out when she was just 3mths old for similar (though not so extreme) reasons. We'd been together three years, he was a serial womaniser, yet when another guy even spoke to me he flipped (he threw a glass beer bottle at my head in a nightclub because a group of lads made flirting comments at my friend and I, even though we completely ignored these guys) We started off having fun one day, and then he just suddenly stropped and wacked my bare leg with a reel of washing line leaving whip marks. I clung to the good relationship I thought we'd had, desperately trying to get it back. When I finally realised I wasn't going to get that back, I asked him to leave and he responded by smashing the house to bits whilst me and our 3mth old baby sat crying amongst the chaos. I had to have the police come and make him leave. He told me I was fat and ugly and would never get anyone else.

When he did leave I got really down. I was struggling on my own with a baby, I was completely skint because I had to quit work to take care of DD and the council house I was living in was terrible. At the time I felt my life was ruined and wondered if I'd made the right choice getting rid of him, but now eight years later (and probably for the last 5 or 6 years) I've known I did the right thing for both me and my Daughter. I'm happily married to a wonderful guy who completely treats DD as his own and who DD adores. I also have another gorgeous Daughter, whose Dad adores me as I deserve. I'm doing a degree and I feel so independant and confident.

You are far stronger than you think you are, and if in your deepest self you don't want to stay with him, there is always some way out. If you want to try and make it work, then maybe (as other suggested) you could get your partner to try and face up to and deal with some of his problems. However, if you don't think he's going to change, then you do have the strength inside you that you need to (even if you don't feel like it now) to get yourself and your kids into a better position.

I hope you don't mind me sharing my experience and opinion, it's just I remember feeling like I was living on the edge of my sanity too. I hope you manage to work things out for yourself, good luck hun.