Health Forums

Posted: 05 September 2008 at 8:26pm | IP Logged

you've asked for honest opinions so here's mine...I feel scared for you after reading this post, I had to read it a good few times to even get my head around it.  He has you exactly where he wants you and he knows it.  He controls everything even thru his parents, he uses emotional blackmail to keep you in check.

You sound terrified of staying with him and terrified of leaving...I honestly cannot imagine how leaving could be worse than what you and your kids have now.

Maybe I'm out of order saying this but you did want honesty...

& perhaps easy for me to say as my life is almost a complete opposite to yours and I've never been in your situation but if my husband so much as laid a finger on me, he wouldn't see me for dust.

Sorry but I cannot imagine what there is to love about this man..you say he's your first love so you've nothing to compare it to..trust me, "love" is not what you have with him.  Love is about feeling safe and secure, being happy and content, having respect for each other not what you describe at all.

Perhaps I've gone too far but I feel I needed to say it.  I do wish you the best of luck with your decision but to me it's a no-brainer.  Good luck, Greedy, xx

Posted: 06 September 2008 at 11:16am | IP Logged

Thank you for all your brilliant response's i really appriciate it.

I told him a few months ago that if he drank again i would leave him forever.. i had moved out for a couple of days and i took nearly all my belongings with me whilst he was at work. I wasn't planning on going back and i didn't think he would stop drinking for me. It had quite a huge effect on him and he stopped drinking for me. Our arguments were nearly non exsistant and he definatly had more control over his temper and treated me with respect, i felt loved and secure.

If i feel that he may become violet i tell him if he touches me i will tell the police and he backs right off

Just lately though he has started being more verbaly abusive which is why i have ended up posting on here. A couple of nights ago he was calling me names whilst in bed beause he thought i had finished a bottle of water off when he had wanted some. Anyway it was the same night as posting on here and i was awake nearly all night, Tossing and turning wondering if i should leave or not.

First thing in the morning he was cuddling me and telling me how sorry he was. He asked me why i was unable to sleep and i told him. He didn't say any more about it.

Since then he has got mad twice shouting at me, i just start crying and saying calm down why are you SOO angrey about the smallest things. I also say if you loved me you wouldnt talk to me like that.  He's been much nicer to me since.

Yesturday whilst we were talking he was wondering if he should see a councilar. He said there is something he wasnts to talk about with someone who doesnt care. He said he cant talk about it to anyone he know's. Especially me. So i don't know what that is about.

Now i'll try to answer your questions:

Funchick: most of the time things are alot better then worse

Bensmum: His violence towards me is 80% alcohol related, he wont get mad when we talk about his behaviour in general though if it's about when he's physically hurt me he gets annoyed but not violent.

mumsam: I don't think he would harm the children, When he used to drink all the time he used to be awful to be around if he didn't get a drink, not violet just really moody. His parent's do know what he's like because i have asked them to try and talk to him before and i remember when we were younger and he lived with his parents he wrote some sort of suicide note to his dad and then he sped off in his car leaving me at his parents house and his dad had to take me home. Sometimes i wonder what his parents where like, i wonder why he ended up behaving the way he does sometimes. He tells me he had a really good child hood. His parents are really nice etc etc so i don't know where his problems stem from unless it's just drink related.

Lavrat: Well done for having the courage and strength to leave that must have been so hard to do with a 3 month old. Thank you for sharing your experiance. I have numbers written down should i need help.

mrgreedy:I can totally see where you are coming from and how the house, job etc all tie in together, though it was his parents that offered me these not him. I dont feel like a victim or terrified. I can walk when i please. im not scared of him. If he gets violent with me i fight back. I don't just lie there and take it. If i didn't feel in love with him i would have left along time ago. I love him because he makes me feel very loved and cared for etc etc when things are going great, which they are most of the time. I have been with him since i was 12 and he was 16 and it's hard to let go of that.

Posted: 06 September 2008 at 11:54am | IP Logged

It sounds like you know what you are doing.  You have a lot of time and emotion tied up in this relationship and it doesn't sound like you are ready to walk away from it.  If he wants to speak to someone get him to go to his gp or to phone the samaritans, the samaritans aren't just there for people thinking about suicide http://www.samaritans.org/talk_to_someone.aspx but for people in crisis also and it sounds like he might be on the edge.  They won't tell him what to do but will listen which is what he told you he needs.  This will be faster than going through the gp as councilling services normally have a long waiting list on the nhs unless his gp feels he can get him seen urgently.  You know better than anyone on here if you are safe and if your children are safe and I think you are sensible enough to get out if you aren't.

It might be that something has triggered off something from his past and he is trying to drown out the pain with the alcohol, which isn't an excuse for him to drink and be abusive but it is a reason and he needs to deal with it.  Support him like you are but ensure he gets some help and if you need some help get it.  If you think it's a relationship type problem then you could try contacting relate http://www.relate.org.uk/ relate do charge, you can email a councillor but it costs about £30. hth and good luck.

Posted: 06 September 2008 at 4:17pm | IP Logged

I may be way off the mark here and apologise if I upset you but, how can someone "sometimes have an alcohol problem" and then you say 80% of the violence is alcohol related.  It sounds to me like he does have an alcohol problem full stop not just some of the time.

reading your first post then you last post, its as if your trying to defend him.

I know it must be tough, not only having to think about your life if you leave or stay and your childrens life, then your partners too.  You have given him many many years of your life, but if he is treating you this way do you really want to give him another 12 years of your life.  Can you really live with a good day followed by a couple of bad days etc...  shouting at you and calling you is a form of verbal abuse and he shouldn't do it.

He really needs help by the sound of it.   I'm sorry if I sound tough but i've grown up around a lot of domestic abuse and saw my sister go through it and it makes my blood boil how men can get away with treating women this way.

I hope that he can seek help and work through his problems and it isnt just talk.

Posted: 07 September 2008 at 9:57am | IP Logged

Thank you for your reply lina. I belive in my heart that if 1 more violent episode was to occur i would be leaving straight away and i think he knows that to. I also worry about what my children see and how this will affect their relationships and how they will treat me when they are older. I guess if im going to leave i should do it very soon before my children get much older, and whilst my partner proberbly want's to drink everynight because it helps him forget whatever problems he's got (i havent a clue what? he seems to have had a pretty nice life) He tries soo hard not to drink, i can tell and when he does drink i am sure i can see in his eyes how much he regrets that way of life. It's like his soul fades away and is replaced by something else and both seem to be fighting to get out of him at the same time. It sounds strange but thats the best way i can describe it all. Then i think maybe this happens without alcohol too but that drug simply amplifies it. It is like there are 2 personalities sometimes. Ty for sharing lina