Pregnancy Forums

Posted: 08 September 2008 at 1:39pm | IP Logged

Hi all, not visited for a while as i have been laid up with SPD, I couldn't stand for longer than a couple of mins. Had to get the help of my mum and my friend to look after kids. Things are still a bit up and down but i'm coping.

DH has been really supportive or so i thought till last night when he'd had a few drinks and let it all out. Saying I just sit here, don't do anything and just want all the time ????? . I asked what it is he thinks I want but he just said no Idon't ask, I'm not sure what he meant and am still confused by

He has been working away lately and is only home at weekend so i try and not ask him to do anything for me. when i do he doesn't say anything but it is all there in his face how much he resents me. When i think back he was like this when i was pregnant, especially with Milly as i couldn't move because of severe SPD.

Anyway he said I hadn't even asked about him when he came home and i can't remember whether i did or not, I'd had the doc from DLA round to assess my condition, i thought he would only be there for an hour but he came at 1:30 and left at 4:45. So I could have possibly forget to ask him, it wasn't done intentionally, and i hadn't realised till he told me. Anyway things got heated and and i put the phone down on him, he's away now for the week and i'm not sure if wee are over or not.

I'm sorry for rambling and  probably don't make much sense as my head is in bits

xx jackie xx

Posted: 08 September 2008 at 2:27pm | IP Logged

Awww Jackie big hugs.

As i've said before it never seems to amaze me how much spd affects our lives and families.

I'm glad you where able to ask for help from friend and family to help with your children and give you a chance to rest. As for dh, men to me seem to struggle to communicate. It's hard for them to see us slipping.

My dp has found it hard to adjust to having to do extra round the house/garden as it's almost impossible to get things sorted. Having to ask for a cuppa tea or carrying things through, it seems to all add up till they realise or think we're not who we are. Panic and they really don't know where to put themselves. I know my dp is finding it hard working a full time job then coming home to help out with the boys and then helping me to bath/wash and dress etc.

The only way we're getting though it is jokes and humor and i hope that your dh will be able to sit down with you and talk this though. Could you send him a text or email explaining how you feel and that you can understand this is hard on him too etc.

Big hugs hunny hope things work out and we're here to listen babes x

Posted: 08 September 2008 at 2:37pm | IP Logged

Jackie you are not alone at all in this.

As you know my SPD has now left me wheelchair/house bound and I can do very little.

My DH has been lovely helping me, but when he's been drinking it all comes to a head. I ended up stuck in my wheelchair at a friends leaving do the other night when he left without me and took my keys. I was staying at my parents and he ended up going home so I had to get someone I hardly knew to take me home and then spent the night on the sofa as I couldnt get upstairs. I didnt sleep as I was worried about DH getting home.

However I have done a lot of thinking and I we also had a talk a couple of weeks ago when we had another row (again bought on by his drinking - I now very rarely drink because of my medication). I realised what my hubby feels very lonely and is coping with a lot of emotions by himself. I have a lot of friends/family who are always asking me how I am and what they can do to help. My hubby is watching his wife get worse and worse, is having to work full time, help look after our son, keep the house clean and tidy, cook dinner, be my driver, care for me (get my dressed/updressed, carry me upstairs etc) and yet noone ever asks how he is feeling and he has very few friends he can talk to about it all.

Firstly - remember it was alcohol talking last night, not your hubby. He doesnt resent you, but he probably is struggling with what is happening to you and to the family.

I think you need to find a time to talk it all through. ask your mum to have the kids overnight if possible, and either go out somewhere or order a take away (either way noone has to cook). A couple of drinks is fine but dont have loads of alcohol or thinks could get tence again.

You need to talk about how this is affecting you both. And compromises you can both make to help. for example I cook stews during the day on better days so I can heat them back up for a couple of nights meaning DH doesnt have to cook. I also have a mini handheld hoover to clean up crumbs so the carpet isnt a mess when DH gets home from work every night.

Best of luck babes and I'll add more if I think of it. I hope I havent taken over your thread but I wanted you to know you are not alone and it will get better hun. Please feel free to PM/email me if you want to.

Love Madz xxx

Edit: I sometimes find it hard to tell Tony what I am feeling following an argument or disagreement but I find it much easier to send an email explaining it all, it makes the following converstaion much easier and I am less likely to get upset/tearful/angry.

Posted: 08 September 2008 at 6:47pm | IP Logged

Aw thanks for the advice guys, Dh has come home tonight as he is usually working away, he never told me he was home just came in, kids are made up thought they miss heim loads when he is away.

We haven't spoken sine he has come in and don't think we will, I now think he works away because it is easier for him.

He finishes work, showers and then goes out for a meal paid for by the company.

I can't blame him really at the mo it sounds like heaven to me.

I really get the feeling he doesn't believe how much pain i'm in, or thinks i'm exagerating, either way he makes feel like i'm just being lazy.

thanks alot for understanding, sometimes it's hard for my friends to understand, or they just start *ging dh off, they get wound up, then they wind me up amnd I end up in a mood with him thinking he is a b'@@@@rd.

cheers all X X

Posted: 08 September 2008 at 6:54pm | IP Logged

I understand - people without chronic pain condition can never fully understand how hard it can be - for both the person in pain and for the carer or loved ones of the sufferer. I dont tend to discuss my relationship with people who do not understand what it is like to stand in my position (or should I say sit - lol).

As for your hubby, its lovely he is home but I do think you should talk. These things fester when left and you can both end up resenting each other for no reason.

If it were me I would wait for the kiddies to go to bed, sit down and talk to him. Tell him that you understand how hard it is for him to and that the key is communtication. I hope it works out babe.

Hugs xx

Posted: 08 September 2008 at 7:33pm | IP Logged

Awww hunny it's hard to get the strength to discuss whats going on in a relationship.

I do think you need to talk about it all, there was a post madz made a while ago which sumed up chronic pain to a t, you can view it here

Hope you are ok babes just remember if we all had an easy life it would be boring... yes it's nice occasionally.

Hugs x

Posted: 08 September 2008 at 8:22pm | IP Logged

Thank you Zany - argh I meant to add that to my post but it slipped my mind completely - I blame the medication! lol

Jackie I think anyone with chronic pain should send this to everyone they know! I did and its helped me a lot, especially with hubby.