Parenting Forums

Posted: 18 January 2009 at 5:51pm | IP Logged

Hi All

Just joined as im in serious need of some impartial advice.

Background

My son is almost 13 and has a diagnosis of autism and tourettes syndrome and he has just started with teenage behaviour so as you can imagine life is a stress most of the time but we have been happy.I seperated from his dad 11 years ago and have since re married. No issues there.His dad recently met another woman and they have moved in together. She too has a teenage son but he doesnt live with her as "she cant cope with him" .

He sees his dad every other weekend, one day in the week for tea and half the school holidays. If they want to see each other extra they can. I have never placed any barrier on contact between them.

My son has issues at school and i am in the process of finding a place at a special school for him. He is also taking medication for his conditions which is also relatively new. SO in summary he is anxious, moody and stressed a lot due to issues at school, medical conditins and being a teenager. Im doing me best as his mum to keep him even and calm.

issue

One time he came back from his dads he was really nasty to me and said he wanted to live with his dad. No reason just came out of the blue. This now happens every time he sees his dad. His dad has been pushing now for this for the last 2 months and its getting worse. I asked my son why and he said

" you have a good job and my dad is skint and if i live with him you will pay him and he will be able to live in a better house" i informed my son that it wasnt as simple as money and that if he really wanted ot live with his dad there would be a lot to sort out and it wouldnt happen overnight. I was just dying of hurt but tried ot stay calm in front of him. I feel like my son has been manipulated. A week later my son changed his mind again and said he didt want to leave. I informed his dad of this and all back to normal until tonight. I get a call from his dad saying my son has gone crazy saying he wants to live with him and the only reason he says otherwise is because I emotionally blakcmail him.

Have NO idea how to handle it. Cant bear to loose my son. Cant bear to make him unhappy. Ive just suggested a 50:50 arangement and his dad said no no that isnt what he wants. Dont know what my rights are. If a judge asked my son my son would say he wants to live with his dad but ask him in 3 weeks and he will say something else. Im scared his dad his pursuing this every time he goes. Im trying so hard to do the right thing and feel im getting no where.

Advice would be so gratefully received right now. x

Posted: 18 January 2009 at 6:16pm | IP Logged

mate, sounds like your ex is using your lad as a pawn.  I know 13 year olds are smart, but what hes said doesnt come out of a 13 year olds mouth.  I can only go by what I was like at 13 which was hormonal, evil and downright selfish..didnt give a rats bum for what other people thought or how they would deal with things.

End of the day, you do the best you can, but sounds like your ex is trying to get all that he can. Stick to your guns mate, its all you can do.

As for rights, you were married to him, so therefore he has rights, dont think a judge etc would take your lads decisions seriously cos hes under 14, but not 100% certain on that one.  Keep doing what you are doing, easier said than done I know, but grit your teeth and just ride the storm.  Yes it hurts, but we are all here for you whenever you want to or need to sound off xx

Oh yeah...im steph by the way xx

Posted: 18 January 2009 at 6:36pm | IP Logged

Hi Steph

Thanks for the reply. Good to have someone to talk to.

Ive tried hard to step back from this and look at it from the fairest way. My son changes his mind about everything on a daily basis. He says he loves being at home. I met his dad after a medical appointment the idea being that my son went back to his as it was on his dads mid week "tea night" and my son said oh we are late. can we go home I can go to my dads another time im not bothered. Those are not the words of someone that is desperate to spend evey minute with his dad.

I know that courts take a childs wishes into consideration but given that my son is starting his teenage years and his medical conditions that must make a difference. He does present as articulate and can express his opinion but it changes so often and so drastically. Its even on his psychiatry notes that he used to say he didnt want to see his dad anymore and things like that.

Im wondering how a judge would view it. Facts are there is no barrier from me to contact at all. Ive provided a stable home fo the past 13 years. Ive attended evey meeting re his special needs (his dad has not) I have no child cae issues as i work fom home and when i cant my husband gets home so we dont need anything there. My son has serious special needs that impact his decision making and mood at any given time. My ex isnt maried and his partner has no care of her own child...sorry if that seems nasty but this is what im reduced to!

xx

Posted: 18 January 2009 at 6:42pm | IP Logged

nope its not at all mate.

With his medical conditions the courts will take that into consideration.  They WILL look at what has been provided etc...end of day, youve done majority if not all of it, and the ex hasnt.  Yes, it does speak volumes that she doesnt have care of her own, every little bit counts.  Your ex doesnt have a leg to stand at when it comes to providing etc for your son. 

Hes just winding you up chick, try and ignore it, easier said than done cos my ex still presses all my buttons..helps hes in another country now lol.  Keep your chin up chick

Posted: 18 January 2009 at 6:47pm | IP Logged

What i dont understand is why he is doing this.

It isnt in my sons best interest to keep pushing this. Even if I pay him thousands a month in maintenance that will never help with the daily stress of caring for a child like that. Sorting all the medication, attending all the appointments, collecting him from school when he is ill - all the stuff us full time parents do without thinking....its very hard to do when you are not used to it.

His dad lives only a few miles away and its only since all this aggro that I suggested he go for tea once a week thinking im not letting him see his dad enough...before that he wouldnt speak to his son for the whole 2 weeks between the weekends he saw him but my son never asked to call him either.! 

I also work from home when its my time with him in main school hols and xmas and have him all have terms and he doesnt have enough hols so what will he do about that? Have emailed a free legal advice centre just to get some giudance on this as the worry is making me insane.

Posted: 18 January 2009 at 7:50pm | IP Logged

The courts dont just uproot a child from a stable home because it is what the child wants 'this week'. They will look into every aspect of the whole situation, and what has occurred in the past.

I cant imagine how you must be feeling. Your ex is being very cruel if he is manipulating your son. It might be a good idea for you and his dad to sit and talk together, with no one else and put your cards on the table. If your ex then decides he wants custody consult solictiors, but make it clear to him that it is not to be discussed with your son, until the preliminory reports are back. At that time, it wil be up to you, not him to tell your son the situation.

If it comes about that your son is coming home devasted every time, then I think you need to look at the way in which they have contact. Maybe you need to make the contact supervised for a while, and see if your son still says the same, as his dad will not be able to manipulate him whilst supervised.

He has a lot to contend with in his life right now, his dad should see that as much as you do and take the pressure off. His dad should be telling his son he can pop over more often, not encouraging him to come love with him. I hope this quickly resolves itself without the need of court cases for you!

Welcome to madmums, I'm Christine!

Posted: 18 January 2009 at 8:54pm | IP Logged

oh god...feel suicidal.

Son came hoome and wouldnt come in the house. Eventually he did and when i asked him why he said his dad had told him i would hate him and be angy with him

Ive had a long talk with my son and said that none of this is his fault..i still love him and things will be sorted out. When my son saw i was calm he told me the following:

-dad has an appointment to see a solicito on  wednesday

-dad has phoned social services saying im not fit

-dad has given my son secret mission. each mission gains a reward once complete. he has to tell his teachers his life at home with me is hell that is his first mission

-dad made son call childline and say he is unhappy and i wont let him see his dad

-dad has told son he is applying fo a residency order so that i cant see him

-dad hs told son to tell me nothing or ii willwrite it down and use it against him

-dad has told son that im an emotional blackmaile

please help me i cant keep it togethe. howhow how can he do this. this is sooo wrong. ths isnt just pushing my buttons this is wicked. Im going to loose my son. ive done nothing wrong. I didnt get upset in font of my son as im trying to help him why why why.

Imagine him in font of a judge-well the teahcers say he is unhappy, he even ang childline..oh my god-feel like my heart has been cut out

Posted: 18 January 2009 at 9:01pm | IP Logged

If you really are feeling suicidal please call the Samaritans on 08457 90 90 90

But remember your son needs you.

Firstly you need to call a solicitor and get this sorted. Your ex is being hugely unfair. It makes me so angry he would do this to his son so I cant even begin to imagine just how angry and hurt you must be.

Keep telling your son this is not his fault, and how much you love him. He needs at least one thing stable in his life and you can be that thing. You need to possibly speak to his school and I would even consider seeing if you can get his contact denied until this is sorted. A solicitor, or even CAB will be able to help you.

Please take care and remember how much your son needs you. Your exhusband will not get away with manipulating your son in this way.

Posted: 18 January 2009 at 9:20pm | IP Logged

Hi hun

I'm just on my way to bed but i didn't want to read and run. I have been though court and fought to keep my son, who is now 7 with d.a.m.p. (adhd with co-morbid attention and perception issues.)

Know in your hearts that you are a good mother. It's hard but what your ex is doing is evil. My Ex wanted full residence but didn't get it 90% of the time it's grated to the person they are currently living with with a custody order in place for the other parent to still see the child. Maintenance won't come into this section as it's not what the residence order is about.

Log everything, times, calls son's behaviour how it differs. Also give your son a book where he can jot down feelings and little bits if he feels he wants too. Have a word with school and let them know the situation. Yes social services sounds scary i had this too as i had depression and was extremely anxious of my ex due to threats etc that where being made towards myself but they didn't see that as a problem and where happy with my docs back up etc. (might be worth having a chat to your doctor and your sons' doctor support team to keep them in the loop and this way they can support your son in an unbiased way (not saying you will but it looks better if he says this stuff to a professional etc))

Yes you need to look at a solicitor but though my ex's scare mongering techniques i found a brilliant online advice service and they have a phone line too, trainned in childrens law and welfare. Might be worth giving them a buzz so you know what the score is 100% so you can take what he says with a pinch of salt.

Is the Children's legal centre  and the phone number is 0845 120 2948

Good luck hun hope he realises he's in the wrong and backs off soon

Hugs Tsena x

ps. Welcome to the site x

Sorry i forgot to add if this does go to court you can get and request a cafcass officer to do a report for the court. They talk to your son and observe him with yourself and your ex and talk to you both and take your sons feelings etc into account... they are very good. They are there to act independantly with the childs intrest fully. School, support, friends your support etc all gets taken into account as does the amount of time he's lived with you. The number above will be able to advise you where you stand with stopping contact as this is causing your son undue distress and heart ache. Hugs again x