Pregnancy Forums

Posted: 30 November 2009 at 11:05pm | IP Logged

I'm 20 years old and had a missed miscarriage in June. I went for a scan at 10 weeks and thats when I found out. I could tell from the look on the woman's face there was something wrong but she wouldn't tell me anything at first. I had no idea there had been something wrong, I was getting bigger, my breasts were tender and I had morning sickness. I had only just found out a couple of weeks before that I was pregnant and was just starting to look forward to it. I was absolutely heartbroken. I never thought that it was possible to actually feel your heart break until that point. The baby died at 5 weeks.

We were asked to go back the next again week to double check and you would think hearing it a second time would make it easier but it wasn't, it was worse becasue I was holding on to some hope even though by this point i had started to lightly bleed, they booked me in for an operation as nothing had changed but i didn't have to go for it as i had to rushed to hospital as everything got stuck in my cervix and i was losing a lot of blood and nearly passed out, it was only then that i told my family.

I have never felt so alone as i did then. My family might have known but they weren't willing to talk about it, even if i tried to bring the subject up they would dismiss it as soon as possible. I felt that the only time i could let my emotions go was when i was at work. My mum even said when we left the hospital after having it confirmed that everything was gone that that was it could move on. Not one member of my family notice how much i was hurting, and one of the few friends that i told just said that it wasn't a real baby anyway as was was so early on so i shouldnt be getting upset, it happens to loads of people, and she choose a time when i was already in tears to say it. I know it happens a lot but it doesn't stop  it breaking your heart when it happens to you. I cant help but resent my family for not being there when i needed them most. It might seem silly to some people to get so upset as i was so early on but i can't help it. I've been a mess of emotions.

I think about my little girl (what i believe i was having) Ellie every single day and I don't want to say goodbye to her. I have nothing solid to remember her by and i feel guilty that i couldn't keep her safe, so if i said goodbye i would be letting go of everything to do with her and i cant do it.

These have been the worst few months of my life and i have had to deal with it myself, Im terrified of ever trying again incase it happens again, and to top it all my sister in law is pregnant and my baby would be due shortly after xmas and i'm am going to have to pretend everything is ok.

I'm sorry for the rant but i needed to get this out. It would be nice to have someone to talk to about it.