Health Forums

Posted: 02 October 2006 at 8:46am | IP Logged

I've been feeling really low lately.  It's partly my fault for skipping my medication, but even now I'm back on the full 20mg anti-ds I'm still feeling down.  It's got so bad that I've been having suicidal thoughts.  This has scared the hell of me so I told my mum.  This wasn't an easy thing to do, and it took all my courage to tell her, but at the end of the day I don't want to feel this way-I want help.  She was shocked as you can imagine and I feel the most enormous weight of guilt, selfishness and worthlessness.  I can't see what place I have in the world one day and the next I'm thinking positively again.  I'm due to see my doctor again soon so I will tell her about these episodes.  The shame I feel is unbearable though. 

It's like a rollercoaster ride. One minute I'm high and feeling strong and then the next I'm contemplating taking an overdose.  I love my boys to distraction, and they keep me going, but I don't know how long I can put up with feeling this way.  I have never suffered from depression before and even though I have alot of support and love around me I feel really lonely and that I'm a burden.  I have so many worries that I can't sleep well at night and that just adds to the anxiety.

I really hate putting this on you again, and I'm not looking for sympathy.  All I want to know is this normal depression or have I got something more sinister?  I feel like I'm losing my mind.

Posted: 02 October 2006 at 8:55am | IP Logged

Zoe you have just described EXACTLY what I am currently going through. It is nothing unusual to feel like this, unfortunatly it is all part of the horrible illness that is depression.

Firstly you have to realise you are ill! If you had, say, cancer, you wouldnt blame yourself for having it, or feel guilty for what other people were doing to help you. Well depression is the same. It is an illness in our bodies and we need help and support to get better.

It is difficult when we have high days and feel we are beating it, to then have a low day and want out altogher. It will get easier but WELL DONE for speaking to your mum about this, and us. It is so important those around you know how you feel so they can help. My mum attempted an overdose when I was 16. She was on Prozac but never told any of us she was still feeling so low. If we'd have known maybe it would never have got to that stage.

You are tackling this head on and that takes a strong person! It is a hard thing to admit, esspecially when you have never had depression before and didnt believe you would. Talk all this through with your gp. They may recommend different medication as some have side effects that include suicidal thoughts and some can specifically target them. Me and my mum both take sertraline which helps anxiety too. I would also ask to see a counseller as they may help you get to the bottom of it once and for all so you can start looking up again.

If I can help - AT ALL - please call me! Love you hun!

Posted: 02 October 2006 at 9:03am | IP Logged

Thanks alot for your reply, Madz.  I really appreciate you taking the time to respond.  Thank goodness I'm not alone.  I have so many family members that have suffered depression, but I've never really understood it before.  So I went to the library and borrowed several books on it to help me gen up.  I don't want to become consumed by depression, only want to understand better what is happening to me.

I've thought about counselling as my mum talked to a therapist to help her through her depression as she was set against taking medication.  She recommends it.  I find talking about it helps relieve some tension although I do think I'm burdening my family and friends with it and maybe even boring them!

Posted: 02 October 2006 at 9:20am | IP Logged

Hi hun i found that suicide thoughts was a side effect on my anti d's.  I was on 20mg for a while and then started going down hill quite fast.  I went back to my GP and she just bumped it upto 30mg and so far things have been good.  You are so not alone babe.

Love Trudi.  xx

Posted: 02 October 2006 at 9:25am | IP Logged

Zoe, I just want to echo what Madz has said and tell you catagorically that what you are saying is exactly where I've been to in the past and you are most definately not alone.

I've suffered a few depressive episodes in the past, I have SAD and am now coming out the other side of PND, and I have had suicidal thoughts on more than one occassion, and at 18 nearly did it. When Ella was about 3 or 4 months, I wanted to end it. Not so much to die, but to make the PND stop. I genuinely believed that Ella and DH would be better off without me and the only thing that stopped me was that I couldn't leave Ella on her own whilst I went off, not because I thought I could look after her, but because there was no one else too do it - how daft does that sound! But thats where I was.

I've seen a therapist in the past, and it helped me no end. I have some leaflets somewhere which I'll look out. Some surgeries offer a councilling service, mine didn't at the time and so I paid to see someone. It wasn't cheap - £18 a session - but it was money well spent.

All I can say is please don't expect too much of yourself. There is such a stigma around mental illness and its absolutely unfounded. Statistically, 1 in 4 adults in the UK will suffer some kind of mental illness in their lifetime. Its so common, but society adopts the stiff upper lip approach which is completely wrong! Please please please don't bottle anything up. We're all here for you and many of us have been there or are there now. Its a dark place but I promise you you will come out the other side of this.

Keep taking the tablets. Skipping them will make you feel worse, I've done it on more than 1 occassion and its really not worth it. Hang in there, and please do sound off when you need to.

Posted: 02 October 2006 at 9:37am | IP Logged

See anyone who will help you.  Its what they are there for.  You are not all by yourself in this, it just feels like it.  Its hard going trying to find a reason to get up and get through the day etc.  You are not worthless, a pain in the butt yes, but then again you always have been lol.  At least now I can talk to you a lot more!!

Speak to your doc about the whole lot and see what she recommends.  The only thing about reading up about it (i know u want to understand it more) is that it may have the tendency to bring you down even lower.

Ive avoided having a mooch about lumps...cos I dont want to freak myself out even more than what I am already...but my freaking is about the anaesthetic jab, rather than anything else.

If you want a chat, just pick up the phone, anytime day or night.  Its no hassles, you are NOT a burden and you are not whining...you are asking for help, support and understanding.  I dont think ive done to bad sticking my you for the last 20 odd years...so whats a whinge whenever you feel like it.

Have some choccie, wash your face, have a brew...and if you feel like being a rebel have a really good fart.  Love you babes x

Posted: 02 October 2006 at 1:24pm | IP Logged

Sorry to hear that things are bad for you at the moment, You must remember that you have gone tru a huge change in your life.

See your Gp and go from there. one piece of advice that my gp gave me was to take one day at a time.

like the girls said don't skip your meds it can make you feel worse, you may just be on the wrong ones and another kind would suit you better.

Hope you feel better really soon