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Posted: 23 December 2006 at 1:55pm | IP Logged

Well, this morning I've taken the last little blue pill.  To record the moment, I even took a photo of it - how sad am I!

I've been taking them for 20 months, and at last I feel ready to go it alone and tackle the world without anti-depressants. If I had to score it, I'd say I was 90% better. Not 100% (I'm good at maths me) as my SAD lurks around this time of year but, its bearable and its cope-able.

For the past 2 and a half weeks I've been taking a tablet, then missing 2 days - this is after a very gradual reduction which I started in October and although at the beginning I could tell I was taking a reduced dose, I can't now. I feel OK.

Its hard to explain, but I've been thinking a lot about the last 20 months and about how I felt at the beginning. I've been looking at photos and camcorder footage from when Ella was tiny, and its amazed me at how ill I looked. OK I was physically very poorly, but my eyes look dark and like my soul wasn't there. In many ways, I feel as though I missed the first 6 months of her life, like it was happening in front of me and I was behind this clouded glass screen, unable to join in or bond with my daughter. I distinctly remember the first time I felt the "maternal bond" kick in. It was a summer afternoon and we'd both gone to bed for a sleep. She was lying on the bed next to me, fast asleep, and the window was open so a gentle breeze was blowing the net curtain about. I had the radio on and Coldplay's Fix You came on. The words walloped me round the head like a brick, and I cried my eyes out for about 20 mins. That was when I realised that she was mine and that this feeling of hopelessness and desperation wasn't my fault.

Its frightening when I think about how low and how dark I went. I've written some of it down, and its not pleasant reading. But that's done now, and I finally feel ready to close this chapter of my life and move on. In some ways I feel like I'm starting again with Ella. Its really hard to explain.

Through everything that's happened, and in my darkest times you've been here and helped me in ways that you'll never know, so I want to thank you for your kindness, friendship and support. I know I'm not out of the woods yet, but I'm in a much better and stronger mind now to get on with life without the help of my little blue pills.

Sincerely, thank you.

And sorry for my mad ramblings.

x

When you try your best but you don't succeed
When you get what you want but not what you need
When you feel so tired but you can't sleep
Stuck in reverse.

And the tears come streaming down your face
When you loose something you can't replace
When you love someone but it goes to waste
Could it be worse?

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you

Tears stream, down on your face
When you lose something you cannot replace
Tears stream down on your face
And I..

Tears stream, down on your face
I promise you I will learn from the mistakes
Tears stream down on your face
And I..

Lights will guide you home
And ignite your bones
And I will try to fix you.

Posted: 23 December 2006 at 2:02pm | IP Logged

How you describe your PND seeing the world from behind a clouded glass is exactly what it felt like when I had Hayley.  It's hard work I know and I will keep telling you forever this will pass because I know it does and it all will for you.

It's great that you are on the last blue pill today (although I did wonder why you were taking viagra).  Here's to a great New Year for you and your family and a new chapter.

Posted: 23 December 2006 at 3:06pm | IP Logged

Dizie, you have a wonderful ability to write well.  Everything you say you felt is how I was feeling too, but I didn't know how to explain it to people.  I'm still on my anti-ds (but they're white not blue! lol) and as you know I'm sooo not ready to come off them.  Did that and hit rock bottom so you'll be pleased to know I'm back on them...again.

As for you, lady, you have worked so hard getting to the place that you're at now.  You've done so well.  However, my one piece of advice to you is (and you can take it or leave it) please don't expect too much of yourself.  Take teeny weeny steps and before you know it you'll be taking huge strides.

Well done again, lovey.  You're an inspiration to us all.  Oh, and keep writing down your feelings-you have a gift there.

Posted: 23 December 2006 at 3:20pm | IP Logged

Hey diz,

You have such a great way with words...What you describe is how i felt with both of mine and although i am no longer feeling that way i still have moments where i blame myself for not being able to bond with Liam...I really hope you continue to make great progress and its such a big decision to come off the pills. We are all here for you if you should need us. By the way, what a cool pic lol...my anti d's are small and brown, not good i dropped one on my coffee coloured carpet and i cant find it...could have done with blue ones lol...Huge hugs xxxxxx

Posted: 23 December 2006 at 4:16pm | IP Logged

Wow Diz, thats so profound - i was blown away!!  I too can relate to how you feel, im still on my anti-d's and I still have days where I feel that I cant cope - but as Zoe says, take it one teeny step at a time and your laughin!!

To this day I still wonder if Lewis is really mine - am I really a mum, is it just a dream, sometimes it still doesnt feel real.  I really dont know if its because I never ever thought that I would have a child through circumstances beyond my control, if that is stuck in the back of my mind.

You have done really really well Dizie and well done for getting off the little blue pills 

Posted: 23 December 2006 at 6:36pm | IP Logged

diz

thats flans pill isnt it... come on admit it!

glad youre 90pc better 10pc isnt too far away from normality-but lets face it none of us are 100pc normal!

you know where we all are if you need us

dontgointhesnow

hugsinrugs me x

Posted: 23 December 2006 at 9:42pm | IP Logged

aw well done for taking your last one! 

you've done so well and I think you're an inspiration to others who find it hard to admit how they're feeling,

bigs huge hugs from me, xx

Posted: 23 December 2006 at 10:01pm | IP Logged

I'm glad your starting to feel "normal" again - we as normal as it can be with a 20 month old hehe - my words make it sound not too serious but it is and your doing really well - and just in time for christmas! :) I hope you have a fab time of the festive period :D - btw id just like to know how you lot know viagra is blue??? lol the mind wonders cuz i had no idea