Parenting Forums

Posted: 09 January 2007 at 2:09pm | IP Logged

He can choose not to love him probably because he has the ability to be able to choose that.  I presume he knows that your husband thinks that the little boy is his son so therefore the Bio father is relying on that and the fact you won't split your family up.

In the UK it is estimated that a large proportion of children in families are not the biological child of the father.

Your descisions depend on what you feel you can live with.  If you never tell the child and I mean never you can't change your mind when your child is 40 then your son will grow up probably thinking your husband is his father and never want to know the biological father anyway.  Do you want to stay with your husband?  Sometimes it's better for the family to keep things how they are now and forget your lover and never have any contact with him again.

You really need to decide what you want as at the end of the day you are the one that is going to have to deal with what ever decision you make.  Can you live with splitting your family up, with being on your own, with the guilt of what you have done, with keeping the secrets forever....

Posted: 09 January 2007 at 2:14pm | IP Logged

Firstly welcome to madmums!

We can not tell you what you should do, only you know that answer. However, if you do not love your husband any longer is it in the best interest to stay with him just for the sake of the daughter you have together? Think about what your children will want, 2 happy parents or 2 very unhappy parents staying together for the sake of them?

Your husband also has a right to know he did not father your second child. The later you tell him, and he will one day find out, the harder it will be. He deserves the right to chose whether to bring him up as his own or not.

As for the biological father, he is merely that. Im sorry to say this but he was probably never going to leave his wife and family. Having a child together probably made him realise he had to make a clear choice and could no long string you and his family along and so he chose his family. Although it will be hard at first, you will learn to understand that and it will get easier. As for the child you have togther. he knows that the child exists, you can not force him to be a dad. Let him know how to contact you should he wish to, but sadly the ball is then in his court. Your son will have to be told one day who is dad is too, maybe put a photo away for him if his dad wants no contact. Just so that you have something to give your son when the times comes and he asks.

Im so sorry you are hurting so much. It will get easier, things happen for a reason and this love affair was just not meant to be. If you leave your husband you will find love and happiness again, once the emotional scars have healed. If you and your husband decided to work at your marriage I wish you the world of luck and best wishes.

Do you not beat yourself up, we have all made mistakes, but we have to learn from them, and face what ever challenges our mistakes created. It will make you a stronger person once you are through to the better side of this situation.

Posted: 09 January 2007 at 2:54pm | IP Logged

Hi...you ve got excellent advice so far...i dont think you should leave it a secret because true, the longer you keep it , the more lies and problems will be not only for you and your husband but for the children and especially the baby...whether the bio dad wants to or not love the child we wont know the answer to that...many men change after many many years til the baby is all grown up, so you can plan for those surprises as well...i think the best thing is think "what is the worst scenario possible?" and take it from there... I hope that you can get through this hard time...the mums here are so great and helpful and always someone is available.

Posted: 09 January 2007 at 2:55pm | IP Logged

Sorry, I don't mean to be rude but why are you so concerned over the fact that your lover wont have anything to do with your son, when you have a husband who is unknowingly bringing up and i presume providing for and loving somebody else's child.

Surely, if your lover doesn't want anything more to do with your or your baby, then that should be enough for you to focus on you children and what is best for them here and now.

Do you love your husband? Do you want to be with him? These things are what you should be asking yourself, because i don't believe in somebody staying with someone purely for the sake of the children. 

Only you can decide what to do, your the only one who can live your life, If you continue to try and keep in touch with your ex lover, could that not pose more problems for you?

Posted: 09 January 2007 at 4:30pm | IP Logged

Firstly I also welcome you to the site

I know this is hard time for you but I think you need to focus on the family you have and not dwell on the could've beens.

If you love your husband do him the gratitude of being a wife to him and a mother to your children regardless of what the man you had the affair with is doing.

You say you were in love with him and wanted to spend your life with him  - ask yourself this, if thats so why didn't you and him leave your partners whilst carrying on this affair?

He has clearly stated his decision on this matter and I think you have to learn to live with that and get on with your life with your husband and your children.

You have a son and a daughter to raise and try to focus your attentions on them.

As has been said if you are purely staying with your husband because of the children then thats wrong and you should end it now.  It may be hard to think of being on your own now but you can and will get through it.  There are obviously some problems that have arisen for you to have an affair in the first place - have these been addressed??

We can't make the decision for you and I don't mean to sound horrible in what I say, but I really think you need to evaluate your life and make decisions once and for all.

Its not for me to judge what you have done but I can't help but feel sorry for your husband not knowing that the boy he thinks is his son really isn't.

I hope things work out for you I really do - for all your sake.  As for your lover I think he's best left in the past - he's made his decision to cut you and your son off, take that as final and move on.

Posted: 09 January 2007 at 4:45pm | IP Logged

Welcome.

Like Rin i dont want to be rude but is this not the best case scenario?  The man you had an affair with wants nothing to do with you or your baby so hes out of your life in a physical way and so your husband has less of a chance of finding out.

Also i know its easy for someone not in your situation to say but i think its very unfair on your husband to raise a child as his own when it is not and i also think its very unfair on the child to think that somone is his real dad when he is not.  I have been the child calling someone dad for almost 10 years only to find out he wasnt and it was devestating.

You can always keep track of the person you had an affair with and then tell your child who his real dad is when he is older i suppose.

I hope you decide what to do soon.

Love Trudi.  xx

Posted: 17 April 2007 at 8:39am | IP Logged

hI THERE,

I feel your pain and suffering.  as I too am in a similar situation.  i am in my early forties now and my first son is going to be 17.  I have two other children with my husband and am still having the affair off and on with my sons bio dad.  I try to stop, but my marriage has been tough.  Since my sons Bio dad and I did a secret DNA test a few years ago to find out for sure, there is now another level I cannot understand.  I am such a mess with my own feelings and I know neither one of us want divorces until our kids are out of school.  We each have children with our current spouses,  He says we cannot ever tell anyone, as it will destroy our children with how they are related, since our families are close and do things together.  I just don't know if I can keep this til my death.  I still have not decieded what to do.  I know it will destroy my husband to know he is not my sons bio dad as the two of them do not get along already.  He was our first child and what a mess I have made of my life and so many others.

Best of luck in making your decision

Posted: 18 April 2007 at 1:11pm | IP Logged

Hello there. Im in a simillar situation to yourself. I had an affair with a guy(he told me he was single) last year for about 3 months. Within that time i concieved our son who is nearly 6 months old. He has nothing to do with him now and has never seen him. He also dont care about him either.

Its a difficult situation you are in really as if you tell your husband it couldnt ruin both of your lives and he may never want to see you again. But then if you lie to your son and say that hes dad is your husband he could find out at a later date when hes a lot older and may resent you.

Its a tough one really. I wont lie to Alfie about who his dad is atall and if and when he wants to find him then ill help him look for him. You've got to do what you think is right. We can all give you advise on it but you need to do what you need to do for you and your sons sake xxx

Good luck xxx