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Posted: 12 May 2008 at 5:41pm | IP Logged

I am sorry.... I have no idea where I am going with this.

Firstly we arrived in Canada last Sunday. David my husband started his new role on Monday. We are in Calgary for another 2 weeks before we fly and settle on Vancouver island for good.

For the last week i just feel like the last 10 years I have been my husbands asssistant. Yes, I suppose I am jealous as after having children my career has come to a stand still.... where as he is nearly at the top of is. Holly my youngest is 3 and I feel like i want to return to work but I know that all child care complications will land at my door...and  I can't see how I will get around it. I just feel it is NOT FAIR

So today, after only being in the country for a week he is travelling for a week and I am left here with no support network ( apart form his PA...who I have spoken to on the telephone once...so hardly a bossom buddy) He is staying in 5 star hotels and I am left in a serviced apartment with 3 children. GOD I am so annoyed.

My friends say they are envious of my situation, as they would love to not work...but I really feel my life is just revolved around his. i have told him about how I am feeling...in fact I had abit of nervous breakdown last night and he has said he ill do anything to make me happy...but I know his work to a degree comes first. He is a great father to our 3, but i just don't feel fullfilled.

I am sorry if this does not make sense...but i kindof feel better after venting.

Posted: 12 May 2008 at 6:25pm | IP Logged

It can feel like a thankless job at times being a SAHM, but I wouldn't change my role for anything. I would miss on all the special moments.

Is there nothing you could do work wise while you are at home ? OR maybe you could do some kind of study course ?

Posted: 12 May 2008 at 6:38pm | IP Logged

Having been a service wife I can empathise with what you are saying.  It does feel like anything to do with the family falls firmly at your door and a lot of the time you are left to get on with it on your own with little support.  Then if you want to work it's hard to find work as people know you are going to move on and you also need to find reliable child care.  I don't know that I ever found a satisfactoy solution to the problem.  I did work from home for a number of years as a childminder which helped but can be exhausting in itself, I also undertook a number of self study courses which helped.  I found if I was well organised and planned excursions to break up the mundane day to day tasks that also helped.

Now although we are in civvy street I work full time and Keith looks after Ollie.  I find the boot is on the other foot.  I rely totally on Keith to look after Ollie and plan the home just doing tasks when I can.  If I didn't let Keith take care of everything and rely so heavily on him then I really couldn't work as much as I do or go away with work like I do.  Yes I take him for granted and I know he gets fed up with it but when you are at work all the time you have so much responsibility to spend time with your kids and earn money for the family that you can't do everything.  I am sure your husband appreciates what you do and how you look after the children.  It's such a hard balance to strike and both be happy all of the time.

Posted: 12 May 2008 at 7:08pm | IP Logged

Hun it's hard constantly juggling things. I’m sure, like Sam has sumed up so well, he does understand and appreciate it. We just don't always see the otherside of the picture or how it feels on the otherside.

I suppose what makes it worse for you this time round is it's a strange area with unknown territory. I hope you find your feet out there soon.

Hugs hun

Posted: 12 May 2008 at 11:40pm | IP Logged

Thanks everyone.

Yes I do feel taken for granted and like I said I just feel abit jealous, as I am well educated and was doing well in my career before I had children. To see my husband doing so well is great, and the money is even better but i am selfish to think what about me and my life.

Sam, my husband has just emailed me a very similair statement...saying he would not be able to work if he did not rely on me so much. He also admits that since I am so competent he does get me to do things he doesn't want to do I think I may look into some part time courses. I really need to get over this, I feel pretty resentful at present.

I suppose I still think they are half his kids too so it should be joint, where as he says when I can earn as much as he can he will take the responsiblity for childcare but for the meantime needs must

Posted: 13 May 2008 at 11:41am | IP Logged

Mate its a toughie....I was in the service, as well as being a service wife, so know how it feels.

First hubby and I were both in the raf, so kind of a competition between the two of us, being the same trade and on same camp didnt help as there was no let up, although the same rank, he was senior to me through time served and experience until we moved to somewhere where neither of us had any experience.  Fights were major between us, but not all of it work related.

With Joe, well we were different trades although the same rank, so no competition between us, which was great.  We got married, had Isla, and I decided after a lot of heartache that it would be better for me to leave the raf, more chance of promotion for joe than there was for me.  I left on maternity grounds, was fine to begin with, but yes started to resent it after a while.  Was just seen as 'wife of' which I hate and have always hated.  I got poorly and that was that.  Anyway, after a year or so of being poorly, decided that I needed something for me, so went back to work.  I know joe didnt want me to go back to work, wanted me to stay home, but there had to be more to me and more to life than being at home.  I know a lot of women would be happy to be at home, but for me I think I would have gone round the twist if I stayed at home anylonger.  I wanted my brain to be busy rather than dwell on whats to come, so off I went.  Dont think joe expected me to get work as quick as what I did. 

Childcare is a problem, my mum has the girls, so im very lucky in that respect, as without her doing that for us, I wouldnt be able to go back to work as we couldnt afford the childcare for the two of the girls.  Joe is seeing the benefit of me working, a lot more relaxed, not launching on him in mindless babble as soon as he walks in (which i was doing a lot of), money is starting to get sorted out, we can afford this place, and things are working well for us.

Ive still got childcare problems, as the unexpected does happen, and being new here doesnt help, but have got to know the couple on the corner really well and they have been lifesavers on more than once occasion, and id like to think that we can do the same for them as and when required. 

I wouldve followed joe around and done whatever, but that would mean switching jobs left right and centre, which i dont fancy doing.  So with us moving to this place, means I can concentrate on me and the girls, do something that I thoroughly enjoy and joe comes to us if that makes sense.  I know hes due a posting sometime end of this year, so it may mean that hes away from us during the week and just home on weekends, but we shall see.  He understands that there is more to me than just sorting the kids and house, he just kind of forgot about it for a while, but he has said that hes enjoying seeing his 'old steph' come back, from when we first met all those years ago.

Posted: 21 May 2008 at 12:31am | IP Logged

I agree with the comments given above.

My husband is in the Army and so I am not only known as Cerys-Jade Mum or Seren's Mum but also 'wife off' and there are times when it really frustrates me and I want to shout out that I'm actually Nicki and do have my own identity. However, I'm a SAHM and I wouldn't swap being at home and looking after my two (hopefully will be 3 next year) for the world.

I plan to go back to work once the youngest starts school as long as the situation allows me to do that as Colin is due out of the Army in 2 years. However, I have taken the opportunity of being a SAHM to take some courses for a career change and am studying for a degree with the Open University and plan to go into teaching. Something I've wanted to do for years, long before I had the girls, but never had the time with working full-time and having a social life to complete the degree.

Doing this has also allowed me to keep my identity as everyone on the OU conference obviously just knows me for me, if that makes sense. I think if I didn't have the degree to concentrate on then I would go mad just being at home, I need something else to focus on. Having said that it does get tough trying to study when you are still doing the job of mother which is obviously 24/7. An example is tonight. I have a 4000 word essay to write, which is due in tomorrow night. Due to children being ill, us moving in the last 2 months etc etc I haven't managed to get the work done that I needed to and so will be up all night tonight getting it done. However, I know it will be worth all the effort in the end.