Health Forums

Posted: 04 May 2008 at 3:12pm | IP Logged

Hey ladies

I got my childcare sorted.  Hannah on the corner is going to have the girls for me before and after school which is a major relief put it that way.

Got a phonecall from my mum this morning, my aunt had phoned my dad and said get back now...its iminent now...and we are talking hours now instead of days.  So dad lands tomorrow morning, and they are off to lreland tomorrow afternoon.  Hopefully my gran will last that little bit longer to see him before she goes.

So its been an upsetting day to say the least...i cant go over...im not allowed, but ho hum such is the nature of the beast. 

So literally it is now just waiting to get 'that' text or phonecall.  Shes not slept for over a week as shes in that much pain, she is on continuous morphine now, but for the last two nights shes slept, and shes not in pain anymore...so its going to happen very very soon as the morphine and her body has just taken over if that makes sense.  The day you dont feel the pain...well thats the end really.

My uncle is picking up a tie for my dad, and hes going to drive over as well..not sure when he gets there but will just wait and see.

Ive had a chat with the girls about it, tasja is a bit upset, but happy that her great grandma is going to look after jerry-lee so he doesnt get lonely anymore.  Isla well, shes to young to grasp the concept of it all.  Which is fair enough.

Im alright, bit down, but mentally shot more than anything.  Thing is...what she has is the same as me...but it got to her lungs, whereas mine didnt....but, it is going to come and get me sooner or later, there is no ifs and or buts about it...and now I know what is going to be coming at me, and im not brave enough to face the pain.  So I have already decided, that as and when it comes back, and they tell me there is no chance...then I am going to do something about it myself.  I dont want my family to watch me not be me anymore and to suffer the agony of it all.  I know, shouldnt think like that, but I know that I couldnt handle the pain that shes going through. 

As and when it comes back, I will have treatment if its feasable, but if its only going to buy me a few weeks, then im not going to have treatment, let it take its course and do something about it before it hurts way to much.

Anyway ladies, thats me all done now.  Im fine, just a bit down.  Which is understandable.  Love you all.

Posted: 04 May 2008 at 3:23pm | IP Logged

Steph hunny,

Big hugs, i'm sorry to hear that you nan's times up.... it's a huge shame, i just hope that she goes whilst sleeping and that she's soon out of pain and discomfort. It must be awful for you and your mum/dad to see the other side of what could have and what will be the out come for you one day.....

I hope to god that it doesn't come back to get you for many many years. I can understand the reasons behind why you want to spare you family from the pain.... all i can say is that what ever you decide to do please leave them a letter or something as i'm not sure they would understand.... i mean the kids more than the adults.... but i'm going to change subject now as that seems just so morbid!

I suppose my rambling post is to say in this time of darkness and sadness you and your family are in my thoughts hun x

Posted: 05 May 2008 at 11:07am | IP Logged

had a very rough evening once the girls had gone to bed...once the tears started they wouldnt stop put it that way.

Lots of horrible and terrifying thoughts going through my head, that got the better of me to say the least.  I dont have wobbles often, but last night was a wobble and a half.  Get your life on track, and something comes and knocks you down.  Once the floodgates were open, nothing would shut them again. 

Got to bed at stupid oclock, got some sleep whch was good...but am a bit puffy this morning.  Ill be ok, just my head messing with me again.

Cheers guys

Posted: 05 May 2008 at 11:19am | IP Logged

Awww hugs steph hun, just means your human babes.

At least your not bottling it all up which i'd be worried if you where doing. God i wish i lived closer cause a girls night in would be fun!

Take it steady babes x

Posted: 05 May 2008 at 11:44am | IP Logged

Hope you're feeling a wee bit better today, Steph. It's good for you to let it all out. Am thinking of you and your family. So sorry to hear about your gran.

xxx

Posted: 05 May 2008 at 12:00pm | IP Logged

Aww Steph, i am so sorry this is a hard time for you. I will be thinking of you and your family, i hope that you find the strength we all know you have inside you to pick yourself up. I hope the evil poison keeps well away from you!

Don't be scared to have a cry, it is a scary time for you and the uncertainty would do anyone's head in! You are an incredible lady and all of us on here admire your strength and courage!

Gentle hugs coming your way xxxxx