Health Forums

Posted: 25 April 2008 at 10:54am | IP Logged

Hi everyone,

This will be the first time I've written it down so apologise if I go off on a tangent.  I have a son who will be 2  next month and am a SAHM.

I constantly feel like I'm under a black cloud.  If I'm honest I've probably felt like this for ages.  I feel isolated and lonely and resent my husband and the friends I have as they have a life and I don't.

It was agreed with DH when our son came that I would stay at home and as he was a much longed for baby I was really happy with this.  However, I have struggled to be a mum and feel a failiure.  He is now at the stage where he constantly likes to be entertained, and I feel ashamed to admit that I would rather be locked away with my computer (as I am now) while he entertaines himself.  I love him very much but feel trapped, I feel like all I do all day is tell him 'No', or 'Don't'. 

My DH is a great provider and I love hime,(he even works from home so this should be ideal) but is a hopeless hands on dad, and I can count on one hand the amount of nappies he's changed and he's never put him to bed or bathed him, so going out in the evening even for a couple of hours is hopeless. Now he would like us to try for another baby and it's putting pressure on me.  The reality of a baby is far from the lovely images I had in my  head and saw in magazines the first time around and now I fear that the pressure would be enough to send me over the edge, not to mention that space is a bit few and far between as it is.

I envy my best friend as she has a little girl but also works, her mother and mother in law are looking after her, but my parents have made it clear that they will not do this, so I feel guilty about thinking of going to work and leaving my  little boy with a child minder.  So I thought about working a couple of evenings a week and DH was  not happy with this either as it means that he would have to do something shock horror!  I would also love to do an access course, in either health or teaching related subjects so I could follow my dreams, but as this is also in the evenings seems more and more unlikely.  I've started an OU course, but am so shattered by the time my son goes to bed, its getting harder to do the assignments and I'm feeling this is going to be added onto the list of failiures.

The thought of having to stay at home for another 4/5 years if we have another baby literally makes me feel as if I'm drowning, and that's a horrible thing to say with so many people who would give their right arm to be in  my position, but it's how I'm feeling right now.  I've also gone off sex and have not been intimate with DH for months, and right now I don't think if he was Brad Pitt it would make any difference.  I realise it's important in a relationship and he's being very patient, but I really would prefer a good night's sleep.  I just haven't got the urge anymore.

I don't want to feel like this forever, so what would be my next course of action?  Do I go and see my GP or do I see a counsellor?  I've had a look at the BACP website this morning for accredited counsellors and therapists, and wonder if it's ok to just phone them or email them without referal?

Thanks anyone for reading, it has helped to get it off my chest so to speak

Posted: 25 April 2008 at 11:12am | IP Logged

Hi!

You are not a failure.

Firstly I can sympathesis from previous experience when they get to about 2 what with the trantrums & all it ain't easy and I had DP to assist plus my mum once a fortnight.

I must admit I did feel resentment for those who were able to go off too work. Do you know of any mums & toddler groups in your area as I found these a great help with the feeling of "lonliness".

I am currently getting towards the end of my Access Level 3 in "Health" but am fortunate as its during the daytime & they offer creche facilities los from 3 months to 5 years. It may be worth enquiring if there is any daytime provision with learn direct. OU doesn't suit everyone, I hate the very occassional lessons when a tutor puts on an OU programme as I find them soo hard to follows and I'm enjoying & coping with the Access course.

Feel free to come on hear & moan, I sure do. Best of luck with whatever you do & remember there's no such thing as a failure mum. I'm sure your lo loves you.

Posted: 25 April 2008 at 11:24am | IP Logged

Hi Wendy.

Firstly, i just wanted you to know that how your feeling right now.. many of us have felt the exact same way before, me included, and i can still remember posting the same problem!

I think having a chat with your Gp would be of benefit to you, they will have a knowledge of good, recommended counsellors or advice centres you could contact for help.

When my lo's were young, i was constantly stuck in the house 24/7 with no offers of help and a dh that worked nights, so was asleep all day and out all night.. and like you, i felt isolated, lonely and constantly responsible for doing everything all the time.
Is there any mother and toddler groups or coffee mornings you could pop along to in your area, just for a bit of breathing space for you both?
Most libarys run a weekly scheme for lo's to play at too, anything like that will give both you and your little one a bit of freedom from the same 4 walls, and a bit of adult conversation can do wonders.

As for having another baby, to be honest, it doesnt sound like you are emotionally ready for that, so really you need to talk with your dh and explain how your feeling right now.
Maybe if he knew how bad you feel, he might be able to offer you more support with everyday tasks and looking after your son, whilst you did something yourself once in a while?
x-x-x

Posted: 25 April 2008 at 12:15pm | IP Logged

Awww hun i just want to come over anf give you a huge hug.... you sound similar to the way i felt when my first was 2 yrs and my partner back then (now ex but thats for different reasons), never lifted a finger, infact i felt like i was providing him a hotel or a b and b to live in as he was never home and when he was he was playing on the playstation or watching tv.

I ended up seeing my gp as i wasn't sure what was going on, i saw on the gp's referal a councillor, she was ok, she told me it was possible that i'd had postnatal depression which i'd never seen anyone about and that i was suffering from depression for other reasons.

I too think mum's who can go to work and where the extended family help out are the lucky ones. I struggle day to day with basic tasks but thats due to the spd etc. but it's still got the same old feelings of resentment.....the only think i do know is i'm not angry at my kids but everything else and expecially me.

If your feeling hopeless and like your drowning hun i'd see your gp and consider anti depressants as they might give you a life preserva (sp?) but also ask about seeing a councellor.

I would like to add alot of men don't help out still at home, i have from sitting down with my dp found out he has no idea how to do things or what needs doing and if i now ask and tell him/teach how to do something then he will try his best... have a chat with your dh as it is a tough job staying home with the kids.

As for the days which seem all no's and don'ts..... it's normal i'm afraid... they have to learn and they push the boundaries.

I've been on a behaviour course recently and if you feel like your struggling and not sure if you can do anything else pm me hun. You certainly aren't alone.

Sorry this is so long but you are doing a good job and i can only suggest you don't ttc until you feel like your in a better position and it's something you both want.

Hth and isn't a load of waffle, hugs hun x

Posted: 25 April 2008 at 1:20pm | IP Logged

I am sorry but first of all I really don't think trying for another child should be on your agenda right now

I would suggest popping along to see your GP and maybe even taking a print of what you have written here if you feel you can't speak out just yet. Did your HV do the PND test with you after your lo was born?

I also think you need to sit down with your husband and tell him exactly how you feel. (Again maybe show him your post here!) He needs to give you a hand with some things and let you get some "you" time. Explain about wanting to do a course and how he needs to be more willing to take on some of the tasks you do in order to help you.

Yes you are a SAHM but it doesn't mean you have to so absolutely everything all of the time!!

I work full time and my youngest daughter goes to a child minder and she loves going there - you shouldn't feel guilty about wanting to go to work hun - noone should. My daughters both went to childminders/nursery from a very young age and its had no effect on them at all. In fact I think it has helped them develop.

I hope you can get through this - please book an appointment to see your GP and see what they say - it could be that a bit of counselling may help. Also please sit down with your DH and try and share some of the responsibilites between you.

Take Care

xx

Posted: 25 April 2008 at 4:17pm | IP Logged

Hi, I am not sure if I have ever introduced my self before but i'll do it again anyway.

My name is Martha, I am a sahm to my daughter Rachel who will be 3 in September.

When I had our daughter, We both made the decision that I would stay at home, I was one of the first of my friends to have a baby, I think I looked at having a baby with Rose coloured glasses and had no idea how hard it would be, I would look with envy at my friends social lifes, their careers, every thing I had given up. I found it a struggle day to day living as a mum but at the same time I wanted to be at home to look after my baby whom i loved very much. It was catch 22, I didn't know what i wanted. My mum's attitude was " you had her ... you rare her ". My mil lives too far away and besides she gets on my nerves so that wasn't a option.

I began to feel lower and lower and I wasn't Martha any more, I was just a house wife.

I wanted to tell you all this to let you know you are not alone, in the end when Rachel was 11 months old I went to my Gp for a check up for Rachel and just blurted out everything. I was diagnosed with mild pnd...which was enough to make me miserable.

I think even talking to some one mad a huge difference, I didn't stay on the meds long but I did join a mum and tots group where I met other mothers, one lady in particular and we have become quiet close. our kids are the same age and get on really well.

I hope you find reading this of some help and there is light at the end of the tunnel. Go to your gp if you feel the need to or just join a mum and tot's group where you have some adult conversation rather that baby/tobbler talk all day.

Good luck and I hope you feel better soon.

Posted: 25 April 2008 at 4:24pm | IP Logged

Hi, xx.

I'm Hazel and I'm married to Andy and have 3 kids.

I'm a SAHM and have been for 16 years now. It is very hard and isolating at times and although we love our kids very much, they aren't exactly great at adult conversations, lol.

I agree with what has already been said and as usual you have got some wonderful advice from some wonderful people. I know where you are coming from as I suffer from depression and am going through it just now. I find that being outside really helps me.

Take care of yourself, xx.

Posted: 25 April 2008 at 8:45pm | IP Logged

Hi again,

I just wanted to write again to say thanks so much for all your replies.  It certanly helped to get it out and seeing that I'm not alone helps too.  I will no doubt be coming back again at some point to have a rant but knowing you're all here is very comforting.

I have spoken to DH and I don't think he realised how I really felt, but he's been very positive and said that if I need more time to myself to give him a shout.  Also been thinking about going to GP next week, I'll see how the weekend goes.

Thanks all so much

Posted: 25 April 2008 at 9:13pm | IP Logged

No worries hun i'm glad your dh has understood how much you're struggling.... going out to work to earn the pennies sometimes can make them isolated and they don't see the stresses and pressures that a sahm/d can be put under.... so it's brill he's taken on board how you're feeling.

As for the docs.... i'd still say go, if anything get refered for councilling it might be a long wait but you can always go and call them and thank them for the appointment but you think things have improved since being refered.... cover the bases and then if you need the help it's there.

Take care hun we certainly are here to help and listen..... and you're not alone.