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Posted: 16 July 2007 at 9:23pm | IP Logged

My df's fil passed away nearly 4 weeks ago now, it would have been his birthday on Saturday just gone.

I know the death is still fresh to my df but i'm really starting to worry about him.  He is becomming very withdrawn and depressed and extremly snappy and has lost all patience with the boys.

I am at my wits end as to how to support him as he will barley talk.  He asked if i belived in god and told me about him seeing his dead nanna years and years ago and asked if i thought his dad would 'visit' him!?

he also said he wanted his dads ashes to come to our house for a few days (they are currently at his mums until she decides what to do with them)  Which tbh, is really starting to freak me out.

I have tried to ask him to see a berevement councellor but  he instantly says no, I have asked him to see his gp and again he says no.

I dont know what to do.

I expected the death of his dad to hit him hard, but not this hard.

I'm exhausted and mentally distressed with it all

Posted: 16 July 2007 at 9:28pm | IP Logged

rin sadly everyone takes death differently

its still v early days

could you visit your doc to ask for assistance?

you could say to df youd be worried about the effect that having the ashes in the house might have on the boys?

or at the end of the day its just a load of dust not the real person that hed want to remember

much love, but no answers

jo xxx

Posted: 16 July 2007 at 9:35pm | IP Logged

Sorry to hear of your loss - I would try and do what Jo said maybe go and see ure gp personally or phone someone/organisation that deals with bereavement and they should be able to point u in the right direction of helping ure dp start to deal with this a little. It is still early days and everyone deals with things differently - I hope things ligthen for you soon - Sorry im not of much help :)

Posted: 16 July 2007 at 9:41pm | IP Logged

4 weeks is very short....I think if you just remind him how much you love him and what he means to you and the boys. Let him him know that if he needs to talk you are there.

also once his mum has decided whst to do with the ashes might be easier as it would be closure and he might ahve a place to go to to mourn.

Good luck and my deepest sympathy for your loss.

Posted: 16 July 2007 at 9:54pm | IP Logged

Hi, sorry for your loss.

Maybe tell him how worried you are about him and would like to try and help him. Even reinforcing that what he's feeling is natural but may need a little help in the way of the docs or counselling. Men are so hard to talk to when they are in the I don't need help frame of mind.

I hope things get better for you all soon xx

Posted: 16 July 2007 at 10:46pm | IP Logged

4 weeks really isn't very long to grieve.  I think the normal stance is 6 months and if you still haven't managed to pull yourself out of the grief by then doctors become concerned.  I know df won't see anyone about bereavement councelling but you could, most bereavement councillors will support family too might be worth having a word with someone who can give you support to support df.

Having the ashes in your house for a few days in a private place for your df to see might help him come to terms with the reality of it.  Comfort him in some way having his fathers presence there with him.

I think it's very normal in the early days of loosing someone to hope they will visit you, it's a very common reaction and it can be very painful when you realise he won't be visiting, but it all takes a long time.

All you can do is what you are doing, being there, listening and trying to keep the boys entertained whilst df goes through a very painful time in his life.

Thinking of you Rin xx

Posted: 17 July 2007 at 7:47am | IP Logged

hiya,

i agree with all thats been said,im so sorry your family are having to go through all this pain,just let dp know your there for him if he needs to talk,if you cant say it to him write a short note to him,you know things are hard,your doing your best to support him and the children,although he may not feel up to it right now youl always be there for him if he decides he needs to talk about what hes going through etc...

i know situations like this are tough,hes grieving for his father but you and your children are also dealing with it yet your the one who has to bear all the emotions on your shoulders...just bear with him,try give him some time with his thoughts and not to pressure him too much,he will come to you when he is ready.

we are thinking of you xxxxx