Parenting Forums

Posted: 22 July 2007 at 10:24pm | IP Logged

I was not happy with DH today. We walked to the shop and Cerys wanted to take her toy buggy and teddy with her so I agreed that she could, knowing that if she got fed up it would collapse down and fit under the pushchair, plus the shop is only 5 minutes away.

Well DH and my Stepdaughter came to the shop as well. On the way back Cerys had started to walk very very slowly as they do sometimes and I wanted her to walk a bit quicker because we were on quite a busy road (which is only about 1 minute of the walk) after that it's a park we walk through. So I said to her a couple of times... 'Cerys you must walk with Mummy or I'll have to put you in the pushchair' Well she walked for a few seconds then would play up a bit again. Eventually we got of the road and so I was more relaxed and quite happy to take a slow stroll home letting Cerys take in the world. However, DH is one of those people that everything has to be done in a rush... if it wasn't done yesterday then you are too slow. He had already moaned that he wouldn't have let her take the pushchair at all.

I told DH to walk on ahead with Sian (my Stepdaughter) and I'll just walk back slowly with Cerys and Seren. I could tell Sian was feeling a bit agitated with DH sending her back and forth with messages trying to rush me. In the end he shouted from about 10 metres away from me... 'You are so weak with her just put her into the pushchair and hurry up will you' when I tried to explain that there was no rush and he could go on ahead he kept on shouting that I should have put her in the pushchair because I had threatened it about 10 times and going on about how weak I was.

Well I ignored it and in the end he walked on home with Sian and Cerys and I took a slow walk back looking at anything she wanted to.

When we got home Sian was out playing and as soon as Cerys had left the room I told DH he was well out of order for questioning my parenting ability in front of our children... especially Sian who is nearly 11 and so would have understood the whole thing. I went on to say to him that there are times I haven't agreed with how he has handled things but I have never questioned them in front of the kids I have always backed him up and raised the issue later. He didn't say a word to me, just rolled his eyes and left it at that.

This isn't the first time this has happened and sometimes he has also referred to me as the 'wicked witch' to Sian because he has said he thinks I'm too hard on her at times...  usually if I have asked her to tidy her bedroom, or say she can't have sweets because she hasn't touched her dinner.

Has anyone else ever experienced this and how did you deal with it? I have put up with it for the last 4 years with Sian and not really got anywhere by trying to explain to him what he is doing. We only see Sian during the holidays so it's not such a problem as things chop and change for her, although I'd rather have the consistancy for her when she is with us. She already thinks her Dad is a pushover because she has told me that, which I have told him but he says I'm lying. 

Posted: 22 July 2007 at 10:41pm | IP Logged

hiya!

i have exactly the same problems with sean which is just one of the many reasons im leaving him,he constantly undermines me and has a go at me infront of bronia and his two older sons who are 11 and 12,there have been occasions where i have said something about the boys and he has twisted it and made me look like i was being nasty to them and then pointed it out to them saying "oh did you hear that lads lauren doesnt want you to stay for tea" or something,which as you can imagine is v upsetting for both me and them as it is not true but then im in an awful position,do i argue with their dad infront of them or do i leave and let them think its true....its hard.

he also says bronia is spoilt and i let her get away with murder,which i deff do not,the thing is he only sees her around his work and he is then tired etc and seems to take it out on bronia a lot so obviusly i am nice and reassuring to her and not so nice to him!!

as you know,me and sean have split and im moving in two weeks and that was my way of dealing with his stinking attitude but i wouldnt advise anything that drastic,haha

when the kids are in bed and your both sat and relaxed id bring up how upset you are by the issue,explain the way you like to parent the children and ask him how he would want to do it and try to set some ground rules,that way there can be no confusion.

this issue makes me so mad,i think its so inportant for parents to work together with the children,after all it takes two to tango you didnt make them alone did you.

hope things are worked out soon xxxx

Posted: 23 July 2007 at 12:14pm | IP Logged

This use to happen when Dh, Rachel and I would go for a walk.

Here is what I said to my dh...I asked him "is it for our benefit and Rachel's benefit we go for a walk"...he answered  "Rachels".

I told him that if it was for our benefit he should go off on his own but rachel needs to take her time, look at the flowers, birds and cars and all thoes kind of things so she can learn. When your that young everything is new and an adventure. 

I do think Madz suggestion is a excellent one.

Posted: 23 July 2007 at 8:01pm | IP Logged

I agree thast you need to talk to your dh.

My df can be like this sometimes, when harrison is having a strop, he doesnt understand that its best to just leave him to calm down , he has to go over and shout at him to pack it in.

We used to clash quite often with regards to the kids, until one day I lost my temper when he said, 'the boys are how they are because I am the one that is at hiome all day with them so i can only blame myself', to say I lost it was an understatment.

I told him that if he didnt undermine me, and didnt try to butt in when i am discplining them and instead, back me up and reinforce what im doing then the boys wouldnt get mixed messages and know their boundaries.

Posted: 23 July 2007 at 9:39pm | IP Logged

I'm so glad I'm not alone and other people have the same problems... I was beginning to think it was me.

I have noticed over the last couple of years that because DH is so impatient I'm not as patient as I used to be and I want to get back to the way I was as it's far better for everyone involved... two stressheads in one family is not good.

As I'm a stepchild myself I have tried to explain to DH a number of times that he isn't doing Sian any favours by treating her the way he does. He should treat her as if she is part of the family... but as usual it goes in one ear and out of the other. I think he worries about what she will tell his ex half the time. A good example would be Friday when he was panicking about having the house hoovered and everything neat and tidy for her arrival. My reply was 'Just leave it we are here to be a family for Sian not to impress her'.

I like that idea Maz. Whenever I have spoken to him before it has always been here at home, it might be good to take it onto a different and more relaxed scene perhaps this might be the way forward. He won't do anything like this whilst SD is here so I will make sure I organise something for when she has gone home.