Parenting Forums

Posted: 27 August 2007 at 12:20pm | IP Logged

This is a long moan, sorry in advance.

As you may be aware Max and Tom have just spent a fortnight with their dad and grandparents.  They only see their grandparents maybe once or twice ayear.  Their dad they see probably for 5 weeks over a year.

However, they have come back as demanding, rude, ill-tempered spoiled little brats.  I know it's not their fault, it's their father and grandparents.  So I had a quick word with their dad yesterday.  He admits that he may be to blame because all holiday the boys' have been given loads of attention although he did add that he has been strict with them.  I reckon they've been spoiled rotten, whatever they wanted they got.

Anyway, I'm debating whether or not to write to the grandparents about my grievances.  The thing is I don't want them to think it's a criticism nor do I want to put a strain on an already difficult situation.

Consequently, I have had to dealt with Max being cheeky to me back and rebelling against everything I say.  Nothing I do is good enough.  Tom is clinging to me like a limpet and has decided that he is the centre of the universe and if he isn't given 100% then he'll throw the most horrendous temper.  He's also gone back to biting his brother when they fight and I can't have that.

I'm constantly reprimanding them or refereeing and I can't get anything done. I'm drained.

Should I write to the grandparents?

Posted: 27 August 2007 at 1:11pm | IP Logged

Zo I am sorry the boys have come back to you this way - its not nice

But in my opinion I don't think its their Grandparents you should be writing to but Brett you should be having serious discussions with, he is their father after all and whilst in his care his responsibility

He should have explained to his parents how the boys should have been treated and what they could and couldn't do

All Grandparents spoil their grandchildren but most know where to draw the line, if Brett hasn't set down ground rules - its him you should have an issue with.

There is absolutely no need for the boys to be turned into little monsters but at the same time they were on holiday and of course should have been spoiled a little, but not to the extent it turns them into spoiled brats!

Brett is obviously feeling like the bad guy here and is trying to make up to the boys for splitting the family up but he is going about it all the wrong way. 

I feel sorry for the boys as they wont know if they are coming or going and of course are still so young and if they can get away with anything with their dad of course they are going to make the most of that!!!

You obviously know Bretts parents well so if you think going straight to them will work then you do what you feel is right - I personally would be speaking to Brett again about it and setting everything out you aren't happy with.

From your previous post about sunburn etc - I think Brett needs a few refresher lessons on parenting!!!!!

At the end of the day babe its your decision and your boys so go with whatever you feel will get things sorted

Lots of Love

xxxx

Posted: 27 August 2007 at 1:22pm | IP Logged

Thanks for replying Fee.  How are you btw?  Long time and no see and all that.

I see where you're coming from about it being Brett's responsibility being their father.  In the ideal world I would endorse that advice, however I know him, and know he wouldn't say anything to his parents because he's not one for confrontation.

But, and this is the big BUT, it's me that has to put up with tantrums and naughtiness when they come back.  Tom even scratched me yesterday in a rage. He'd never done that before.

The main difference between Brett and I is that I'm the one picking up the pieces.  I'm the full time parent making sure they're both fed, watered, kept stimulated, settled in a routine, setting boundaries.  Brett has all the good parts and comes out looking like the good guy with them all the time because they can do what they want when they're with him. 

We all know that holidays don't last forever and in the real world as full time parents we can't always give our cildren 100% attention.

It's just not fair.

Posted: 27 August 2007 at 1:43pm | IP Logged

 What a situation!

My parents spoil Joshua, and sometimes they go to far. Only little things but like giving him sweets between meals, bowing down to giving him a pudding if he doesnt eat dinner. I really upset my dad once because he pulled out a box of wine gums and jelly babies just as I had said Joshua had to go to bed he'd already gone way over his usual time. I snapped at my dad, and he was truly sorry and felt really bad. Since then he has aleways respected what I say and understands that sometimes big mean mummy is actually right. My mum isnt so easy to crack, but she is better now that I am honest. Sometimes when I say no to Joshua, I have to repeat it for grandma so that she knows mummy means it this time.

If you have a good enough relationship with Brett's parents then I would tell them how you feel. I know you would be able to put it in a way where you are not critising them. At the end of the day you dont allow your family to do that, so why should Brett's? I am sure they would understand. Just explain that you respect they dont seem them often, and that they were on holiday, but it is you that has to have them the rest of the time, and since splitting with Brett it has taken you time to settle them back into a good routine and replace normallity in the UK, and now one holiday later they have regressed and it is you that has to pick up those pieces.

I hope that they settle quickly for you babe, and I hope this matter is resolved. I would tell Brett that you will be talking to his parents (if you chose to do so). Just so he feels you're not going behind his back, and hopefully so that he'll seen how important this situation is.

Posted: 27 August 2007 at 5:14pm | IP Logged

hi zo,i think i agree,if you feel you have a good enough relationship with the grandparents then you should write to them if your sure brett wouldnt do it,explain that since coming home you have been having some difficulties with the boys and you feel this may have been caused by the way they were treat while in bretts care,that you are not pointing the finger or telling them they are wrong but smiply asking for their help,support and cooperation in the matter,you all want whats best for them and you feel you should work together to ensure they know the boundaries wheter they are at home or away.

hope they settle down for you soon xxx

Posted: 27 August 2007 at 6:14pm | IP Logged

I personally wouldn't because i think they are bound to spoil them especially if they only see them once or twice a year.  My parents spoil the boys whenever they see them, my dad only see's my boys about 5 times a year and no matter how much i say dont do this or that it falls on deaf ears, but I think this is because they over compensate.

I think that Brett, should be made aware of how much effort you put into maintaining the boundaries you set the boys and if everytime he has them he undos your good work, then he simply wont be allowed to see the boys as its doing them more harm than good.

You should set up a video camera of the boys, but do it so they dont know they are being filmed so they dont act up, catch their behaviour on film and send it to their dad so he can see first hand exactly what he has caused.

My mum did this to my dad, we used to go every weekend and we came back brats. She got to the point where enough was enough filmed us and sent the video to my dad, we never got away with much after that and were better behaved when we came home.

Posted: 27 August 2007 at 7:43pm | IP Logged

As always some sound advice.

Thanks alot ladies.

Posted: 28 August 2007 at 8:48am | IP Logged

Chica...ive been bashing my head with this brick wall for years now.

Tasja is a nice little (ok not so little now) monster before she goes away...yet when she gets back..shes an evil little madam.

Ive tried talking to the ex about it...he says, he doesnt see her often enough and thats my fault so hes going to make the most of it with her.

So she comes back a real spoilt little madam, takes about a week of retraining her, that she doesnt get her own way, i wants dont work, paddy strops will result in time sat on her bed etc.  I am tough on her when she comes back if she is behaving like a rat bag as it doesnt help me. 

Yes it is tough on you chica and feels like all you are doing is yelling at them all the time...but it will get back to normal within a few weeks.  Their dad and grandparents have just spoilt them rotten and gave in on every little whim as they dont see them very often.  Look at it this way...they get the fun bit of seeing them, spoiling them etc...you get the hard work bit of bringing them up..and there is a difference.  Brett has to realise that the two come hand in hand at times. 

Grandparents spoil grandchildren..its their job apparently.  Brett however..should have stepped in and sorted it right at the start.  Thats just my opinion chica.  I wouldnt write to the grandparents..id have a word with brett.