Parenting Forums

Posted: 08 September 2007 at 6:42pm | IP Logged

Step-parents,

I've been pondering this for a while now and wondered what your views were.

Is it possible to truly bond with your partner's children?  How long did it take to forge a bond and how did you do it? Also, what are the good bits and bad bits of step-parenting?  Any experiences you wanna share will be appreciated.

Many thanks and sorry for the barrage of questions but I'm really interested.

Posted: 08 September 2007 at 6:51pm | IP Logged

Speaking from Andy's point of view, he found it really hard to start with but once bex got used to him being around, she was a lot more accepting of him.

They still have their bad days and the most hurtful bit for him is when she turns round and tells him that he isn't her Dad. He has been in her life for the last 9 years though and has always been there for her.

Posted: 08 September 2007 at 7:03pm | IP Logged

Awww that must be hard for him.

How old was Bex when he came into her life?

Posted: 08 September 2007 at 7:20pm | IP Logged

Alistair was 11 when I first met him, now hes nearly 15, and I we still havent really bonded and dont think we ever will.  Maybe its because he doesnt live with us, but I dont see him as my step son, just as he doesnt see me as his step mother.    I think it would be very different if he lived with us, but to him Im his dad's wife and thats it.  He does, however get on very well with Lewis, in fact hes brilliant with him and he totally adores him so thats something!!

Posted: 08 September 2007 at 7:48pm | IP Logged

Bex was 7 when I met Andy. She wasn't sure of him at first but she warmed to him.

If anything he is the peacekeeper in the family as me and Bex do butt heads quite a lot and he is there to talk us both down to calmness again.

Now though he is more of her personal driver, lol. He loves her and she loves him although she wouldn't admit it. lmao ! That's teenagers for you.

Posted: 08 September 2007 at 8:13pm | IP Logged

I haven't bonded with Kay at all, and doubt i ever will, mainly because of her mum saying what i can and can't do etc.. It's even got to the point where just talking to her is hard as if i say anything wrong i will be getting a knock at the door off her mum... a situation i can't win and it really pi**es me off.

The good and bad bit.. i don't have any good bits.. i hate weekends when she comes over, but i understand Simon needs to see her so i stay quiet and mainly go out with my mates when she is here.

I think im one of the unlucky ones who will never have a relationship with the step kid's.. no matter how hard i have tried in the past, her mum is always sticking her nose in so i have given up now.. to me, she comes over at the weekends.. thats it!!

Posted: 08 September 2007 at 9:46pm | IP Logged

I introduced jess to rich a while after me met so we had our relationship established and felt it really had a gd future. He met jess for days out for a while then we stayed over with his folks a few times this actually helped in a strange way as it made it less intensive for jess as she had different ppl she could mix with.

Jess and rich really jsut connnected and i think it is cos rich was just natural with her, he was relaxed making her relaxed.  In fact i use to feel jealous. (daft i know ) of how close they were.

With her dad's partner jess has not connected with though i have done everything i can to encourage jess to make an effort with her ....this weekend jess has refused to go and stay there becuase she said all his partner does is shout and her son gets her in trouble. I have never met his partner but when my mum has collected jess one one occassion his partner was there and my mum commented on the fact she did not make an attempt to hug or kiss jess and jess did not try to hug or kiss her. Something i find strange as jess has been known to give waitress in resturants hugs when leaving.......I am not sure how to handle this as with us jess accepts rich as dad totally warts and all.

I could not say what the issue is here really except jess is a very loving and calm child so i do think there is some big issues with his partner.

Posted: 09 September 2007 at 9:09am | IP Logged

Took a couple of weeks but Joe slotted right in lol.  He was a bit worried about telling her off and would get me to do it..but mostly he was fine.  He wouldnt bath her without me being there as he was worried what ben would say.  However after a few months he didnt bat an eyelid.

He did a lot of things for tasja that ben wouldnt do.  When tink had the pox..joe was here in stafford doing night guard..he would finish his 12 hour shift..drive down to me (2 nd half hours) look after tasja so i could get a few hours sleep then drive back to do his night shift..whereas ben all of 5 minutes away couldnt be bothered even though id asked him for help.

He refused to deal with ben as he couldnt trust himself in the same room as him, and even now hates being in the house and tends to go out before ben turns up. 

When ben finally relented and agreed to give joe parental responsibility joe is a lot happier as he now has the same rights as both me and ben..so he has a say in what goes on and isnt so wound up when and if ben starts as he can now tell him to wind his neck in.

Mind you, ben has been very well behaved over this last year, well since my diagnosis..which is hard for me to take as its well out of character.

Ben no longer takes all the credit for tasjas behaviour etc when she is with them and now puts it down to us.  Ben now trusts joe completely (which hes admitted was a hard one to swallow and admit) but when I was out of action joe did everything for where the girls were concerned.

There is no favouritism between the two girls where joe is concerned..theyve both got him wrapped round their little fingers..and its me that is the big meanie lol

Posted: 09 September 2007 at 4:15pm | IP Logged

I first met Sian when she was 5 and things were great, we seemed to get on really well and it stayed like that for about 18 months to 2 years.  Then is all changed.

I really don't how Sian views me at all and to be honest I think she is very confused. When she is here as she just been over the summer she doesn't want to go home she says she will really miss me... more than her Dad. Which alway upsets me but that is only because I feel Colin should be the main focus for her when she is here. However, when she is at home she doesn't want to talk to me on the phone, rarely asks after me unless prompted and if she does talk to me I tend to get a few very nasty comments. I can only assume one of two things, firstly Sian (who is 11 today) is just saying what she thinks people want to here,  or her Mum is manipulating her thoughts. To be honest reading that back it's probably a combination of both.

I find being a step parent a lot harder than being an actual parent. You are responsible for a child that you really have no say over.

I don't really feel that I have a bond with Sian at all. I have thought a lot about this over the last few months because being a stepchild myself I have tried to do what I feel is right for Sian. A lot of the problems we have if I'm totally honest are to do with both Colin and his ex. Colin told Sian about a year after I met her that I loved Sian as if she was my own daughter which then I felt put me under pressure to find feelings that I just didn't have, of course I love her but not in the same way. Sian has a mother and I'm not here to compete is the way I look at it. He also expected a lot from me and often went out with the lads on the weekends Sian used to stay making me feel like a free babysitter etc which I'm ashamed to say just causes resentment not just from me but I'm sure Sian has felt it towards me as well.

Also Colin's ex telling Sian that we would only be together for two years just after we got married yet still saying to her that she could call me Mum I expect really messed things up in Sian's and I'm sure is the cause of a lot of the problems I have had with Sian as she doesn't want to get close in case I up and leave... and I don't blame her, why shouldn't she believe her Mother. 

I could go on and on but to be honest I think for it to work totally everyone has to be working together I don't think anyone finds it easy until they can fully appreciate where they are in the whole relationship of it all. Parents often see step parents as a threat, step parents often don't want to step on parents toes but end up doing so by trying not to and the child often initially see's a step parent as a threat as if they are trying to replace the absent parent. I think it's hard to find the happy balance in some families and other families just click into place. As a step parent from my point of view I'm not sure what is expected of me, there are always problems from either Colin or his ex with anything I seem to try and do where Sian is involved.

So in another of my long winded ways I guess what I'm trying to say is that it's not impossible to form a bond but everyone is different and it's finding what works for you.

Hope this helps... if your not asleep reading this by now LOL.