Parenting Forums

Posted: 22 April 2008 at 12:03pm | IP Logged

My DH said to me last night that Rachel's bad behaviour was mainly my fault bacause I am a sahm and 90 % of the decipline should be up to me. He said the I was too soft on her.

My views on this is that I am not too soft on her, she is only 2 and 1/2 and in the midst of the terrible two's. She has her personality, which she has done since the day she was born. I also feel that when you spend all day with your child it hard some times  to be on their case all the time.

I also think mothers are always going to be safter than dads.

I also think it's easy dfor him to preech as he is not dealing with her 12 hours a day and 30 weeks pregnant.

So is her bad behaviour my fault......he also said that if she walked pregnant at 16 he would hold me responsible........

Posted: 22 April 2008 at 12:24pm | IP Logged

I'm sorry but I think your DH is totally out of order saying that!

I know if my husband said that to me I would be very annoyed!!

Disciplining children should be shared between both parents and shouldn't be up to just one to make decisions and ground rules!

Yes you are a SAHM so you are obviously with her more but your DH should be working with you to explain good behaviour and consequences of bad to your wee one

As for the comment about her getting pregnant please don't even get me started as I think that is an outrageous and very selfish thing to say

I probably spend more time with my girls at the moment due my dh's job but they both know we are equals when it comes to behaviour and know that we both will give out the same amount of discipline etc

As you say she is only young and finding herself but this is the best time for you both to sit with her and explain how naughty behaviour wont be tolerated etc - I started using the naughty step when Lily was about 2and a bit and it has worked wonders - she totally gets it now and I can see her thinking about things more before acting up!!!!

I think you need to have a chat with your DH about this - if he thinks you are not doing a good enough job disciplining her then ask him to do it!!!

Phew sorry for the rant but I think he is out of line!

xx

Posted: 22 April 2008 at 12:31pm | IP Logged

Thats what I said to him......We are a team and we always have been. We have been a team since she was born......He says that because i don't dicipline her (which i do) he has to work over time when he comes home. where as I think he can be a little hard on her.

He was up set with me because i told he he had been a little hard on her a few hours earlier, i told him this when rach was in bed as not to undermine him.

I don't pleed to be the best mum in the world and I do make misteaks but i I know i am not the worst mum either.

Posted: 22 April 2008 at 3:35pm | IP Logged

Kids are kids and none are the same. It's so easy to say "oh if I was at home all day it would be so different". Not so easy when you are knackered, pregnant and running a house too.

Posted: 22 April 2008 at 4:11pm | IP Logged

Martha,
There are so many ways to treat and discipline a child, so there are bound to be differences and conflicting opinions on how to raise your daughter, between you and your dh.
The best way to tackle them, is for you both to sit down and discuss what you think is the best way round it, and you both need to agree or at least come to an amicable solution in order for you both to understand whats expected of your parenting.

I dont agree either that your dh is blaming everything out on you, simply because your the one spending the most time with Rachel.. as a family unit, you both have to make decisions that will shape her life, and so, are both equally responsible for her behaviour and disciplining actions.

I understand how emotional and tired you must be feeling, but dont let this upset you.
The age that Rachel is at right now.. i would be suprised if she wasn't testing you in evey way possible!
So, just to let you know, that it isn't your fault at all, your doing the best job you can.. we all know that, but speak to your dh and see what he has to say on the subject and try to work on that for now.
x-x-x 

Posted: 22 April 2008 at 8:54pm | IP Logged

What your dh has said is wrong but is there more to this.  Does your husband work long hours, is he stressed after work, does he get any time to unwind after work.  I say this because on some days when I have been at work all day and get home Ollie can be very demanding after a long day at work I need to try and switch off which isn't easy with a demanding 3 year old jumping up and down.  Also Ollie might have been a little angel all day for Keith but the minute I walk in the door it's like flicking a switch and Ols can be the most demanding naughty child on the planet.  It's almost like he can tell the days I have had a hard time and thinks ah ha now I will get her when she's at her weakest and he pulls every trick in the book in order to push me.  I also question Keith on how he discaplines Ols not when Ols is around but when we are on our own.  This isn't to run Keiths parenting skills down but it's because I am not there all the time and want to be part of bringing Ols up.  I don't always agree with how Keith does things and he doesn't always agree how I do things but we normally get there in the end.

Sometimes Ols will do something new and Keith will ask me how to deal with it and 9 times out of 10 just because I bought up 2 daughters already doesn't mean I have the answer.  All children are different and all react differently to different punishments, what worked on the girls doesn't always work on Ols.

I am sure there have been times when I am tired after work when I have snapped at Keith because of something Ols has done, it's not to run Keith down or say he isn't doing a brilliant job it's more because I am tired and frustrated myself.

Can you talk to him and find out what is going on in his head and why he says these unreasonable things to you?  He might just be lashing out at you because you are the only person he has to lash out at which doesn't make it right but at least if you knew and he was aware of this then you could talk about it and deal with it.