Parenting Forums

Posted: 24 April 2008 at 12:01pm | IP Logged

it's difficult to sum up such a huge issue in one post. I am 5 months pregnant. the dad and I were together for three and a half years and had been broken up already when we found out we were expecting. There is a mutual understanding that we will not be getting back together. This is my first child and he has full time custody of his 5 year old son after a 4 year battle. You could just imagine how difficult it was for him the achieve that. at first, we both did everything we could to make sure the other understood that agreeing on a 50-50 custody plan was going to be the only way we got through this "surprise." I haven't spoken with him yet, but I have concerns about this. The second he even thinks I'm questioning 50/50, he will close off and fight for custody. i understand that there is NO way a judge would take custody from me, but I don't want a situation like that to damage our friendship or affect the baby.

my concerns range from silly to serious. now that he's gotten comfortable with our plans, he's starting to "be the better parent." our son isn't even here yet. His plans are to buy a house next summer and told me that our son would want to be at his place because there's a yard. Or implying that our son would enjoy his lifestyle more because of the bachelore life. That they will have a little man club that I won't be part of. But when I asked what he would do if our son ever wanted to spend one of his nights with me, he told me that it wasn't an option. That he'd have to get over it. That comment was made shortly after I told him that if he had outings planned on "my days" just let me know and he could pick up our son. He's mentioned that he's thankful that I'm giving HIS son a brother. As if that was my master plan all along. Maybe I'm being over- emotional, but I've spent 4 years watching and helping him obtain custody of his first and understand the fight in him when it comes to that. Another HUGE issue is he has not been here for me at all while pregnant. with his first, he was there every second. He hasn't been to any doctors apts, refuses to go to classes i've asked him about, and was not reachable when I was hospitalized with fever. when I voice my concerns he tells me that he's already done this and I'm being over emotional. I feel like this should be a special, enjoyable situation but it's quickly turning into him making decisions. I feel like I'm going through these 9 months alone to give him 50 percent of the profit for nothing. we didn't talk about hospitals and breast feeding, he told me what "we" are doing based on his previous experience.

Those situations are only FEW of many. The more I pay attention to what he says, the less comfortable I am to sign ANYTHING that we draft. He's very naturally controlling and I am not. He will allow no give in my direction but tells me how he wants certain things to be scheduled.

So, to sum it up, leaving alot unsaid, the mom in me is ready to real this baby in and put a stop to it now, before it becomes an issue. From day one his attitude has been that the 50-50 will be by his standards or he will not be around. I can't allow either of those situations to happen, but he really is a firecracker and i'm way too busy being pregnant to try to tame him 24-7. what do i do?????

Posted: 24 April 2008 at 12:25pm | IP Logged

First of all Welcome to Madmums

I am Fee and I have 2 girls aged 7 and 3

I am sorry you are going through all this - it can't be easy for you at all

I have no experience with this at all so I wouldn't want to dish out advice that isn't relevant!

All I will say is that even though you aren't together anymore you are still both the babies parents and whatever decisions are made for the future should be agreed between you both. Things can't just be on his terms.

I understand he has fought hard for his son and I realise you are worried he may do this to you - ensure you have good legal advice and don't sign anything until you are 100% happy with the decisions that have been made. Suggest a formal meeting to go over all the terms etc if you can't sort it just between the two of you

I think he sounds a bit selfish and having a child starts from the minute you find out you are pregnant so to simply ignore this part seems a bit off to me

I really hope you can work things out and your son can have an upbringing that involves the both of you

Good Luck with the remainder of your pregnancy and I hope all this stress isn't getting to you too much

xx

Posted: 24 April 2008 at 3:50pm | IP Logged

Hi, welcome to madmums.

Im Christine, 25 and single mum to Joshua almost 5yrs.

I can only echo what has been said. Do not sogn anything at all, until you have had time and energy to read it thoroughly, and if you can get legal assistance, then do so. Is there any support agencies over that will offer free advice in these matters? m2b mentions cab, thats the English equivilant and they are very good, will offer advice on a range of issues and this includes legal issues in parenting.

You need to make sure you dont promise anything to your ex that you are not prepared to stick to, or that you dont agree with. Letting him see your son on your days is ok, but dont let him think he can have that whenever he wants, explain it can happen 'x' amount in a year, and only for special arrangements and muct be previously agranged and agreed omn by you (you may also have plans and your days comes first). Also make it clear that if you ex tries to play the 'better parent' and plays your son off you, then his access will be reduced to minimise the risk of atmosphere for your son.

With the new change in law (applies here not sure about their) fathers have equal rights to their child. That does not mean he will definitely get custody, but it does not mean its certain for you either, should this go to court. Custody is assesed on a range of things. For the best chance of this going the way you want it to, then I would look into some legal help. Explain your situation about your ex not willing to meet you half way on decisions. Also explains his drive to persue for custody in the past. Tell them you want a legal, and binding contract for you both to sign, which you both agree on. If you stick with it, and bring your son up in a loving home I can not see why any judge would remove a child from that situation. If you falter on your signed agreement then you will be helping him gain custody. Thats why I say only sign something you truely agree to and know you will do.

Good luck with your pregnancy. I hope your ex settles down and see's that parethood is about give and take, and that he needs to back off a little. Try sitting down and talking with him, as already said, formally. This way he'll know that he cant just pressure you and you'll cave. He'll see you are as strong minded as him.

xxxx

Posted: 24 April 2008 at 4:59pm | IP Logged

Hun i've been though a custody battle it's not very nice at all.

I'd say go to a solicitor and ask about legal/assisted fee's and get some solid advice. I know what ever happens you will both have parental responsibilty. But look into how much say he has over every thing. Also make your mw aware of the situation as stress isn't helpful in pregnancy and she might beable to offer you advice on where you stand with him being present at birth, feeding etc.

Good luck hun and welcome to the site. Hope this helps a little.