Parenting Forums

Posted: 05 June 2008 at 12:07pm | IP Logged

dear mad mums i desperately need your advice.

maddie is now 7 years old and is having trouble with what i would think is bullying. one of the annoying things is that one of which is one of her so called friends and the other a child who is younger than her! sadly, it's now got to a point where i feel i need to do something about it. i have made tentative steps but would appreciate any advice or opinions. it's really difficult when you are so close to it all as it's your lo and with the best will in the world need her to try and take a bit of a stand about it.i pray she turns and gets some balls and shocks these girls by standing up for herself. she doesn't and sits and takes it all without retaliation.

here is the run down. mads is friends with amber. they got together in reception and though they have a tenous friendship but a good one that has strengthened and on the whole is good. we were three when moved to village and lots of kids had solid friendship consolidated from baby club and were unpenetrable. mads got used to being brave asking if she could play and being turned down, so stopped asking and plays along side others instead of with them. we've had play dates but to no avail. so when mads and amber got together in one way it was a relief. then this sept leonie came into village. i did not want to another mum to go through what we went through when we arrived so i introduced myself and then the friendship flourished. the trouble is three girls do not mix! amber is bossy, leonie bossier and poor old mads the people pleaser who wants to be friends and liked by all in the middle of it. i know there are isues with leonie potentially being on the autistic spectrum (aspergers type tendencies also) but we kind of get through that. she also has never really been told off really by her parents. i don't think she's ever had a firm or loud no...ever. i am good friends with the mums and ambers mum is a strong believer in discipline, as i am, but leonies mum believes totally what she is told by her. this is despite the fact that she has been caught out and proved to lie and let others take the rap.

the next bit...i know the girls relationship has it's fractious moments and i try to let them get on with it as maddie needs to learn to shout back and tell them no. i've also tried to encourage that she plays with others, but she won't. she'll be on her own. anyway, recently leonie and amber know annother girl and she's been playing with them, but at the expense of maddie. she has been hit by theis girl pushed and subjected to being ridiculed and ostracised. leonie has beeen caught out telling everyone to ignore maddie, come on everyone lets not look at maddie lets not play with her, talling her to turn and face the wall if she wants to be her friend she'll do as she says. maddie does it all then gets copied by leonie and laughed at. leonie loves to lord it over everyone and be the boss and tell everyone what to do. this other girl called tixie has been so cruel and apparently has beem a problem to lots of children and is known to other children and parents since nursery. she even has her own support assistants to watch her at all times. clearly not managing.

what should i do? i know i've made a long post and hopefully lots of you will leave advice and have not dropped off through it! i have spoken to leonie's mum and asked her to speak to her again as it won't be tolaerated. she says she denies it all and has in fact stuck up for maddie yet i know it's not been the truth! she says her daughter has no concept of loyalty, yet when i try to address the fact about all that is going on i am being so super sensitive so not to cause offence at mum. she gets very defensive and closed to it all and it's so awkward as we are friends but i can't help but feel let down. i have spoken with some other little girls to say if mads feels threatened because of girls can she play with them. they say yes, i have even told the dinner lady that i've told maddie to go find her too. i have spoken with the class teacher telling her all that has gone on and frankly got nowhere. i have made it clear that i will continue to watch this and pursue it. she has sai dthat maddie needs to play with others and not be so reliant on  amber and leonie. yes, it's been spolit since leonie got there but she should be friends with others. she is over sensitive and has misunderstood what has happened. depsite the fact that i relayed the facts. she will have a word with the assistants to watch tixie but she does have problems. like i tried to point out the girls should not be absorbing the problems of this little girl. it turns out i am not supposed to go to the parents of children involved!! the teacher was closed and i feel very redundant. i feel like i've hit a brick wall but i do need my little one to fight back, but she feel undermined and insecure becuase of bullying. what can i do?

sorry for repeating myself and waffling.

Posted: 05 June 2008 at 12:45pm | IP Logged

Aw hunni, I was reading your post with a lump in my throat and I can totally relate to the situation that's going on and how heartbreaking it is when it's your kids..  My daughter (who's just turned 8) sounds exactly the same as Maddie and I keep hoping and praying that one day she'll 'toughen up' as she sometimes gets the same type of treatment that your little one is getting (we too, live in a village environment which is very 'cliquey' to say the least).  Fortunately, my lo is starting to stand up for herself but it's been a very long and painful process.  I really want to say the right thing to you honey but I can't find the words..

I'd definitely go back to the school hun and instead of speaking to the teacher, ask to speak to the head to see what can be done. You're obviously not getting anywhere with the class teach or the girls mum so I really believe you have to take it a step further.  Are there any drama clubs or self defence classes near you? I mean it more for her self confidence than anything else as I found that a couple of terms at drama worked wonders with my lo and I know of others who've thrived at self defence (I wanted her to go to that too, to stand her in good stead when she's older but she's not having it) for the same reasons.

Where do you live hun? If you're anywhere near me we can get them together as theysound as if they'd be great buddies.. unfortuantely where we live if I don;t make the arrangements for a play date then we don;t see anyone for dust and I really feel it for the girls - one of the downsides of living in a rural location (not to mention the world we live in).  I remember at the same age running around with a group of friends but then, we lived in tenements or flats then and for some reason the world seemed a safer place then..

Please let us all know what happens and give Maddie a huge hug from 'auntie jen' - lol..

PS. Would she like a pen-friend? (assuming royal mail gets their act together and delivers them that is)

Posted: 05 June 2008 at 1:20pm | IP Logged

Oh hunny I really feel for you and for Maddie.

I was bullied aged 11 and I know how horrible it can be.

I agree that seeing the head teacher is a must. The school needs to take some responsibility for what is happening.

Big hugs - I hope this gets sorted soon.

Posted: 05 June 2008 at 1:38pm | IP Logged

I am sorry your daughter is going through this and I cna understand how heartbreaking it must be for you

I would as Jenny has suggested go straight to the Head Teacher about it - explaining that the teacher has been less than helpful

At my eldest daughters school they have a zero tolerance against bullying and have set up a bully box where the children can post a letter to the head if they feel they have been subject to it - I can honestly say it has worked wonders and the school has a very low rate of bullying at this stage - and the small minority of reports are dealt with swiftly and appropriately

Anyhoo sorry to waffle - its so hard at that age to make friends and its sad to think she is going through this.

Definitely get in touch with head and demand that action be taken, encourage your daughter to mix with others and try and not take any nonsense from these girls. A bully thrives on reaction and therefore if they get none hopefully they'll get bored and stop.

Good luck and please let us know how you get on

xx

Posted: 05 June 2008 at 4:28pm | IP Logged

Awww hunny it's awful isn't it, kieran gets bullied sometimes and left out because he has poor motor and co-ordination skills but also because of me and how his life at home is slightly different even though i try my best to make it as normal as possible.

The teachers at my son's school perfer if it goes on at school that they deal with it rather than going to the parents but if you know them and are friends with them i don't see why you're not allowed to say anything.

As for what to do..... i have initally given kieran games and idea's he can do and play on his own and when he's having fun others are normally intregued (sp?) as to what he's doing.....

secondly go into the school and ask to see the anti bullying policy, every school should have one which will out line the steps and route you and they should take.

Try having them at yours and build bridges between them help them find things they have in common.

As for you worrying about if it is or isn't classed as bullying my son's school asked the children what they thought it was and they all said something thats done several times on purpose. Which is for children i thought a powerful way of putting it without the emotion.

Good luck hun it's not an easy battle, try and give your dd extra praise at home to help keep her self esteem and confidence up. x

Posted: 05 June 2008 at 7:28pm | IP Logged

I read your post and couldnt help crying. I was bullied at secondary school and my mum telephoned the haed teacher and things more or less stopped. I then joined the anti-bullying team, this was a group of people who gave up their lunch times to listen to younger people who were being bullied and also gave advice to them as to what to do about it without getting in to deeper trouble. I would suggest to speak direct to the head of your daughters school, stating, as others have already said, state the teacher was not helpful. Demand something is done.

Good luck hun! she will stand up for herself soon when she has had enough, and children do get to that stage.

Big hugs hun!

Posted: 05 June 2008 at 7:45pm | IP Logged

I would go and speak to the teacher again and if you still have no joy, make an appointment and go and see the head.

Its tough especially when you and friends with the mothers of those involved as I know from my own experience, but at the end of the day, if the tables were turned you know they would approach you.

My son has been bullied physically kicked and was even bitten by another boy at 5 years old, they know right from wrong or at least you would have thought so! he has been ridiculed for having speech therapy and the latest because he doesn't support the right football team. He was making himself physically sick so he wouldn't have to go to school. Kids can be so cruel its heartbreaking.

You need to nip it in the bud.  tell the school if they dont sort it then you'll have to take matters into your own hands. 

Harrison's school, when made away of the situation were fantastic and everything was sorted the parents were brought it and they had a full discussion in the class about friendship and the effect of bullying.  When the mothers of the two other boys were made aware, they were horrified and obviously did something right as they have all been friends since.