Parenting Forums

Posted: 05 February 2006 at 9:58am | IP Logged

I need some advice on my near 4 year old, you might want to make a cuppa because it might be a long one....

Harrison has always been a very boistorous' child very loud and demanding but i always put it down to his age and the fact he has grommetts.

When he had just turned two we discoved he shouted at everyone and ignored you, we discoveded he had glue ear and has since had two sets of grommetts, which only made him louder, he started getting very boisterousgrommets, constadiscoveredgrommetsboisterousntly charging round banging into people purposely, it may sound like your average 2yo but it always seemed more than just that, i went on a parent survival course which taught me numerous strategies to deal with things which made no effect at all. about 6 months later i contacted the hv yet again and pleaded with her for help  who suggested speech therapy, which we went to and was told his speech and pronunciation were perfectly normal, the hv then suggested doing a struggling parenting scheme, where someone comes to your house once a week to give you tips and to watch exactly how your child acts, we did this scheme for 6 months but there was no real significant improvement.

during this time we cut out all his sweets and swopped them for dried fruit we cut out all E numbers fizzy drinks sugars etc, and this made little improvement, we have tried the naughty step star charts, naughty corner, time out, removing toys, stopping treats etc but nothing makes any impact on him, he has always had a strong routine and has always had boundaries which he knows he cannot push we have always been firm when he had done something he knows full well he shouldn't do.

its just getting to the point know where we cant even take him out as he cant not go anywhere without making a scene or throwing himself on the floor in a full blown tantrum over nothing.

twice in the last months Ive had people ask me if its ADHD, which tbh when i first head about it i though it was an excuse parents say when they cant control their own kids but there is something niggling at me making me think this behaviors is more than just his age, the HV is useless i have had 3 different ones trying to help me but I'm now at the end of my tether i honestly dont know what to do next. Dp is fully supportive of everything we do where Harrison is concerned but he reckons we should try the old fashioned routine of discipline we have smacked him in the past but tbh thats not what i want his discipline to be about.  Sometimes and i know this is going to sound terrible but i feel if i start to smake Harrison I'll never stop, thats how far he pushes us he'd test the patience of a saint.

when you tell him off he looks at you like he hasn't a clue what your on about, i honestly dont know what to do i have started dreading getting out of bed in a morning and only look forward to school hours when hes there, Louis' arrival hasn't made a difference as he was like this before he came along, this is not ho i expected my relationship with my child to be, i want to have a 'normal' happy healthy relationship with my son

Posted: 05 February 2006 at 10:37am | IP Logged

Having chatted to you earlier, I'm at a loss as to what to suggest!  I know the feeling about if you start smacking him, you may not stop.  I had that feeling often. I also know you've tried everything else, and I know there are some on here that may not like it either.

I was brought up in a loving atmosphere, and smacking was used as a last resort, and I know the laws of this has changed, but my mom had a wooden spoon.  We knew that if she got it out, we would be punished.  I am a firm believer in the smack.  I use my hand!  But if all else has failed, it may be worth you considering it for severe actions on his behalf.  If you give it a week or two, and see how it goes.  If you find it's still not working then you can stop.  I have never hit my kids in temper as I count to ten then of they have not done as asked I smack them, one shrt sharp smack to the top of the leg, it may be just what he needs.  Other than that I am afraid I cn offer no help whatsoever!

Hope you manage to find something that works hun.

Posted: 05 February 2006 at 11:07am | IP Logged

How is his behaviour at school?  Have you chatted your concerns over with his teacher?

I totally know where you are coming from with the smacking, I never smacked Hayley for the same reason I felt if I started to smack her some days I would have knocked her into the middle of next week as I wouldn't have been able to control my temper.

You seem to have tried everything.  Did his behaviour get worse when you had Louis?  Could it be attention seeking?  Is he very bright?  Could it be boredom?  When you say you can't take him out do you meant to the supermarket shopping or out for a treat?

Posted: 05 February 2006 at 7:05pm | IP Logged

I'm glad im not the only one who feels like this over the smaking thing!

as an example we went out yest to whsmiths and he wanted a mega sketcher at £20 i said no so he threw himself on the floor would not get up, so i walked away and thought noim not giving him the attention, anyway after about 5 mins of him still screaming in temper and me having countless dirty looks from other shoppers i picked him up and walked him out of the shop to the car then straight home to bed.

having had a conversation with his teacher only last week she said he is fine in school, she has no concerns over his behaviour as he does everything that is asked of him. when relatives babysit of mind him for us he is always good.  i never noticed any change in his behaviour after i had louis its more in the last 4 weeks that he is slowly getting worse, it could be attention seeking i suppose, i have though of this a few times but we always have 'our' 20mins together everyday

He is quite bright i suppose he can use the computer and quite happily sit and play in ceebies allday he can match things up he can do jigsaws and write the shortened version of his name but im not fully sure of how bright a 3.5yo is

im running out of patience and energy and i really dont know what to do, i knew parenting was going to be really hard work but this is a joke, i feel like im failing him by not being able to fully control him

Posted: 05 February 2006 at 9:05pm | IP Logged

I read your post this morning, but didn't know what to say at the time.  Then, after enduring my own son's public tantrum earlier I want to say you are not alone.  I know Max is alot younger than your son and is most probably going through the 'terrible twos' but it isn't nice having to hear your child scream at the top of his lungs.  I remember posting a thread on here entitled 'Tantrums:Monster Max" or something similar about 6 months ago.  It got to the point that I dreaded taking him out and could quite easily have throttled him!!

Anyway, like you we watch our son's diet closely.  He eats plenty of fruit and enjoys wholesome home cooking.  He rarely has sweets, crisps or chocolates.  Even at christmas we were stingy with giving him such treats-but as we see it, what he doesn't know he won't miss.  Brett and I are healthy eaters so it is easy not give in to him and we tell friends not to give him anything we disapprove off.  It's not an issue with us. 

The second thing is, hubs and I agreed that the naughty corner will be our method of discipline.  Any carers, whether it be baby sitters or family members know this too and adopt it.  He is always warned about his behaviour and then is put in 'the corner' if he carries on with being naughty.  It is harder out in public, but to use todays example dh had warned Max not to hit his friend and so when he carried on doing it dh told him off in a stern voice and sat him down away from us.  I must admit he rarely has tantrums in public, but today we put it down to him running around outside all day and getting over tired thus him playing up.  So when we got home dh put him to bed. Whenever he is naughty it is explained to him why he is naughty and after the two minutes in the naughty corner he is made to say sorry.

Max also plays up to get attention and if he's bored.  This was one of the reasons why we wanted him in nursery. He loves to be active and hubs is very good at taking him out and about, but there are times when we don't or can't do what Max wants to do and so he has to know 'no' means no.  We are trying to encourage him to be able to play alone as well as with other people.  He has never been comfortable with playing on his own, and we've always given into his demands thus making a rod for our own back. Now after playing with him I say 'Max, mummy is going to have a break now, how about you build some really tall towers' or failing that I find a good kiddies programme to help him unwind.  Yep, I'm a firm believer in tv for quietening down busy little ones.

Anyway, I've rambled on enough.  Rin, it sounds like you are doing everything right.  I think perseverence and consistency are key.  Please don't think you're alone.  I'm here if you ever want to off load. 

Zo xx

Posted: 05 February 2006 at 11:13pm | IP Logged

Hi Rin

Am afraid I dont have any magic answers but what I wanted to add is I think if there was any special needs problems like adhd, he would behave the same wherever he is or whoever he is with.  When my oldest was young he was a nightmare, he eventually got diagnosed with dyspraxia with aspergers and ADD tendencies, but he behaved the same whether he was with me or at school or playing with friends. 

Did anything happen in his life at the same time as his behaviour getting worse?  Did it coincide with him starting school or his hours increasing at school?  Could it be jealousy with you having his brother at home while he is at school?

Another thing I was thinking seeing as you seem to have tried all the tricks in the book already, have you tried the omega fish oil supplements?  If I am honest I tried them with my boy and they didnt work, but I spoke to quite a few people at the time who said their childs behaviour definately improved after taking them regularly for several months. 

If its any consolation for you, my two year old is always as good as gold for my mate when she has him, even if he has been driving me nutz the same day.  Oh and my oldest is now 13 and is adorable compared to how he used to be so there is hope!

Good luck, take lots of deep breaths and keep on going.  Having one difficult child makes the rest appear to be a doddle! lol. 

Posted: 06 February 2006 at 8:32pm | IP Logged

Thanks girls, i know perserverance is key but honestly sometimes i dread to think how far he might push me 

Kasak hes been on omega fish oil supps for about a fortnight tho he is starting to refuse to take them, i know they take a while to kick in so hopefully fingers crossed,

its so bloody hard work, even after 6 hours at school he is still full of beans and up for a fight

Posted: 06 February 2006 at 8:54pm | IP Logged

does he need set routines rin?

he does sound like he may be bored! he may need stretching

bit difficult to say as ive not met him

hugs

Posted: 06 February 2006 at 9:05pm | IP Logged

he has a quite a strict set routine already jops,

someone else metioned  he may need stretching but im not sure what things to try, tbh he has worn me down so much i feel as if he has taken half my brain