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Posted: 10 February 2008 at 11:20am | IP Logged

  Stay overnight in your 16 yr old daughters room. I ask this because last night my dd age 16 asked if she could have a friend to stay over. Its half term up here. I said yes, then she said oh by the way his name is James and he is staying in my room. I was speechless, not that I am old fashioned but we haven't really discussed boys staying over. Well anyway, this boy is someone she has met on the internet and he lives about 350 miles away. His dad was going to drive him up to ours leaving at 5 this morning. She asked me at 10 last night while dh was out. I did say that he could stay in the spare room but that wasn't good enough. We know nothing about this boy. She has kept this internet relationship quiet. I found out because I found letters in her room from him and also he sent her underwear for her birthday with a note can't wait to see you in this. She doesn't know about this.

 Anyway she went off in a huff I am sixteen can do what I want etc. I somehow managed to keep my cool. When dh came home she didn't say a thing to him. I told him later and he firmly said no way is he coming to our house. This morning she is still in bed sulking.

  Sorry this is so long. What would you do. I don't mind this boy visiting as long as we are around and he sleeps in the spare room. Am I being unreasonable. I have told her we need to sit down and discuss this with dh as well and perhaps he can visit in the easter holidays.

   Teenage girls, give me Harrys problems with potty training anyday. Things definately get harder.

Posted: 10 February 2008 at 11:38am | IP Logged

Ooo, toughie one.

My mum let me stay over at my (now df's) house when i was 16 but it took a year before he was allowed to stay at our house but still not in my room he had to stay downstairs.

Only now when we go to mums and have 2 children is he allowed to share my room and bed

I wouldn't feel comfortable knowing my 16yo daughter was sharing a room with a boy.  especially in this circumstance where you know nothing about him.  The letter and underwear to me seem like he wants one thing.

Maybe if he was local and you saw him regular and got to know him it maybe different but i wouldn't.

Good job I dont have a daughter!! DF would hit the roof if i'd have asked him the above.

Posted: 10 February 2008 at 11:47am | IP Logged

Hun

I would say i wouldn't purely on the basis that she's not being very open and upfront with you and if she expects to have the same rights as an adult then she has to be open, upfront and honest.

This boy is a stranger and it seems to have been engineered behind your back (i know you know that already.... ) ...... talk about short notice! To me that would make me uncomfortable.... you hear all sorts of horror stories about the internet. Which is frightening all in its self .

If she sees this a serious thing i'd expect to have a family meal, get to know him before he stayed over and expecially before she was sharing a room make sure she had been to the docs and was on the pill or something similar as (i'm sorry to all males out there) but i don't trust them to put a condom on when they are kissing and it starts to go places..... She has to learn the way to adult hood is too keep lines of communication open....also meet his parents and ask how they feel about it all etc....

Good luck hun, but i don't blame you for putting your foot down.

Hope she wakes up and sees sense soon

Posted: 10 February 2008 at 11:55am | IP Logged

My first proper b/f stayed over at my mums in my room with me when i was 18 and we had been together months.

I do no think in the slightest that you are being unreasonable. You do not know the lad and neither does she properly yet.

You have been alot more reasonable than most. Thing is its your house and your rules and she has to respect that. Eventually she will see it your way if she really wants to see this lad.

Good luck. xxxxxx

Posted: 10 February 2008 at 12:00pm | IP Logged

I totally agree with you! She shouldn't expect to be trusted alone with a boy if she can't be trusted to be honest with you!

You should have been invited to meet him first, have a chat about house rules, and your wishes to be respected. Tell him that you know that lads his age only expect one thing and that you hope he is different! If they are serious about each other then you all have to get to know each other etc!

I met my now dh on the internet, i hid it at first, but as he was local, i met him in my local town, took him to see my mum and introduced him as my boyfriend. I was 15, i knew my mum wouldn't let him stay at my house, but she was happy to let me stay at his parents house providing i slept in his sisters room with her (no odds to me she was my best mate!!)

I admit a few times i snuck into his room, nothing happened just cuddling etc!

I was 16 1/2 before my mum and dad let andy sleep in my room, but he had to sleep on the floor ( he didnt he just moved before my mum came in my room lol)

When i was 17 Andy moved in to my parents house with me as we were getting engaged and baby talk was starting to fill the air (from my parents!!)

But before any of this was allowed to happen, my dad had to have a man to man with andy and explain his expectations, no sex before i was 16 or else lol, if you are serious and thinking of engagement, he wanted to be asked permission (he's traditional). Andy had to do all of that before he was accepted to sleep in my room in my bed!

I personally am pleased i did it that way, honestly, openly and no regrets! Andy wasn't a stranger!

Stick to your guns hun, she may do something she regrets! It doesn't always work out the way mine did!

Hope she comes out of her sulk and sees sense! xxx

Posted: 10 February 2008 at 12:37pm | IP Logged

Your totally right, How can bringing a stranger into your parents house and telling them he's staying in your room be ok?

I met my boyfriend when i was 12 and i'm still with him now.  we had been together for a few months before my mum let him sleep over but he had to sleep on the sofa! i begged and begged my mum to let us sleep together  for ages but she always stuck her ground and told me that she would allow him to sleep in my room when i turned 16.

Personnaly it did not make the slightest bit of difference to the birds and bee's side of things.

i say talk to her about going on the pill and useing condoms ASAP! you say she's 16... i started just after i had turned 13.

Help her get the protection sorted out before it's too late. Even if he stays over but in a different room things can still go on. I know i've been there!

I hope i've not worried you, just wanted to advise. Lots of my friends had boyfriends at the same age and we were all pretty much the same!

Posted: 10 February 2008 at 2:29pm | IP Logged

I don't envy you this one. I totally agree - there is no way I'd allow Becca (turns 14 this year) to have a stranger (because essentially that's what he is) staying in our house - nevermind in her room! I don't even like to think what my dh would say!!

I can see how there is a slight problem with the distance for you all to get to know him - but to be honest that is irrelevant. I personally wouldn't allow my daughter to sleep under my roof with a boy unless she was in a long-term relationship with him. I hate getting things sprung on me too - she definitely was hoping to put you on the spot with this one!

It will always be the case with my kids that when you are living under my roof then my rules apply. I don't count 16 as being old enough to "do what I want" anyway - but she will have to abide by your rules. I have to admit, the internet does concern me - Becca isn't allowed on unless I sign her on, and then I try and keep an eye on what she's doing (only allowed to check her emails and go on Bebo at mo).

I'd probably have a refresher chat on contraception, like other mums suggested - as if she's going to do it, it will be done elsewhere anyway. I really feel for you - I dread all these issues coming up. Good luck.

xxx