Parenting Forums

Posted: 12 December 2006 at 3:50pm | IP Logged

Hi to everyone,

I'm a new member and at my wits end at the moment. I am a mum of 2 girls, aged 15  and 6, plus I am pregnant with the 3rd due in July.

I have been having some trouble with my eldest daughter for roughly a year. She lies non-stop and it's got to the stage that I can't believe a word that comes out of her mouth. That I could deal with but on 2 occasions she has got violent with me. The first time she hit me the once and than went into school a week later refusing to come home. She wanted to live with her gran, who lets her get away with absolute murder and allows her to do as she pleases. She told the school I lock her in her bedroom and bully her, there has never even been a lock on her bedroom door! On that first occasion she agreed to stay with her dad (who she has little contact with ~ apart from when it suits her) she then climbed out of the window and arrived at her gran's around midnight. Things settled down, I got her back home that night and I thought things were running along smoothly until just over a week ago.

Everything has escalated from a small and stupid arguement, which boiled down to her lying yet again. A few days before everything started up again I spotted some knives up in her bedroom. Not knives as in weapons, but my cutlery knives. I asked her for my knives and she told me she didn't have them. I went on to ask her to look for them as I knew they were up there, this was on the saturday evening. No knives were brought back down and she stayed up in her room. I asked her again on the sunday for these knives. She huffed, puffed and stomped back upstairs. When she popped out to the shop for 10 minutes I went back up to check they were still there, which they were. She returned, I asked yet again for these knives to be brought back down and told her if she didn't bring them down within the hour then I would go in the next day and look. To cut a long story short, the knives were never brought down and when I went into her room the next day they were no longer in her wardrobe.

She came home from school and again I asked her where the knives were, with plenty of attitude she told me 'I don't have your knives!' By now I was completely and utterly fuming, I had seen the knives up there just the day before and knew she had mover or removed them. I repeated again that I wanted the knives brought downstairs and that was when she blew.

She pounced from the stairs onto me, I didn't see the first punches coming and certainly wasn't expecting the attack. Her younger sister was in the room and witnessed this, she was hysterical crying and the elder just would not get off me. She was punching and had her hands wrapped in my hair. I eventually got her off me, she told me she hated living with me and we agreed she'd go to her father's. After she had gone I realised I had a lump/bruise above my right eye and a bruise on my jawline, by my ear, on the left. My arms were covered in bruises and I had a coulple of scrams too. If it had been 1 hit and she's have realised what she'd done maybe I could find it more forgivable, but she didn't. 

The next day the school rang me and said she had been in the office upset. She'd told them I'd thrown her out and there was no room for her at her dad's. I explained to the school that she'd hit me and not for the first time, and that they needed to speak to her dad. next thing I knew social services were on the phone and have been nearly every day since.

They want me to have her living back here and I have told them I cannot do that while her behaviour is violent and unpredicable. If this was a partner behaving in this way then they would encourage me not to have an unstable and unsettled home life for my children. So why is it  that my 15 year old daughter, that is bigger than me, is allowed to be violent? She has hit her younger sibling on several occasions and with being pregnant I am just not prepared to put up with her violent outbursts.

I am worried with social services getting involved that this will end up involving my younger child and to be honest I do not really want to associate with social services. I find families that truly need them are given no help and families that look after their children to a good level are hounded by them. Social services send one huge shiver down my spine. I don't know what her or her father are saying to them, he must be wanting her to leave soon, or they'd leave them be. When i spoke to him the night it all happened he was happy for her to stay with him, but it looks like he's changed his mind now.

I'm wondering if anyone on these forums has been through anything similar, any advice will be greatly appreciated.

Posted: 12 December 2006 at 4:03pm | IP Logged

Welcome to the site!

I am sorry you are having to go through all this and I really wish I had the advice you need!

Your daughter obviously has severe anger issues that need to be addressed by a proffessional but I suppose its getting her to comply with that would be a difficulty.

You shouldn't have to put up with that kind of behaviour from anyone.

I am sure there are organisations around that can give you advice - maybe try doing a search on the web

I really hope for all your sake that you can sort this out - it must be horrendous for you.

Take Care

Fee xx

Posted: 12 December 2006 at 4:10pm | IP Logged

I had recently gone throught the same thing myself with my 15 yr old daughter. I got her referred for anger management classes and after a few weeks, it all came out that she wanted to hurt me as we had moved hundreds of miles away from where we were.

Although she is still having her "moments" things are so much better.

Posted: 12 December 2006 at 4:21pm | IP Logged

Thanks for your replies. It's one hell of a situation to deal with and one I never thought I would be going through. To be hurt and harmed by your own child is something quite inexplainable. It hurts beyond belief and I am not prepared to have her back while her behaviour is so unpredictable. She is still lying about the knives too and as petty as it sounds, she needs to put her hands up and own up as to what she done with them. I feel we cannot go forward until we start getting some honesty. I've done many searches and am finding it difficult to come across any helpful or relevant websites, but I sure I glad I found you guys!

Posted: 12 December 2006 at 6:56pm | IP Logged

Hi, and welcome to Madmums.

I used to work with a girl who's stepson was violent towards her. Her husband refused to believe that his son could be like this until the stepson started to leave marks and bruises. She spoke to her GP about it who in turn referred him for councilling - and its made the world of difference to them. The last I heard, the stepson had moved back in with them and things were much much better.

Might be worth having a word with your GP, how about your CAB to see if they can tell you what organisations are available in your area?

Really hope that things improve for you.

Posted: 12 December 2006 at 7:03pm | IP Logged

i think you are doing the right thing esp whilst you are pg by not having her in the house, perhaps she could return at allotted times with another person just in case she flips?

it is also damaging to your younger child

i do hope you can get some help soon-is there anything that may have triggered these outburst or some specific time that she started being worse? ie your pg?

good luck jo   

Posted: 13 December 2006 at 5:45pm | IP Logged

Thank you all so much for your replies. I feel much better reading them and not as guilty. I know I have nothing to feel guilty about, but it's just a horrible feeling. It's not something I can explain.

Dizie, do you think it would be worth my while speaking to the doctor even without her being with me? Could the doctor still discuss things with me (without her) or would patient confidentiality come into it?

Jopsy, I haven't told many people about my pregnancy yet. I had a m/c in July and want to reach the 12 week stage before I tell the family, and my girls. So as yet, she doesn't know. Well not that I'm aware of, I suppose there is always that possibility she has overheard me talking to a friend though. I know she feels hard done by because her friends are allowed out until midnight, regularly drink vodka and sleep with boys, and as much as I get told I'm too strict I will not give in and allow her to behave in that way. She is allowed out to an activity or to a trusted friends house, but to roam the streets or get drunk in a park? No way! When she played up in April she toild social services she wasn't allowed to do anything and I encouraged her to find activities. She used to attend army cadets, but gave that up because it got boring. She wanted to do kick-boxing (thank god she didn't now) but never actually went. Everything is the same with her, she'll mention something, I'll agree and then it's never followed up. She tends to spend a lot of time up in her bedroom when she was here, but that was her choice. She was never sent up there and never mentioned going out. Thinking back now, her attitude and mood swings definitely began early this year. How coincidental her periods began on 24th January! But this month her outburst was a week after her period had finished.

Vickimom, the only thing that stopped me reporting this to the police was the fact that she has careers plans within the armed services, and I feared it might spoil her application. Though, that really shouldn't come into it. She has done wrong, more than over-stepped the mark and she needs to know it. The school and social services seem very much in her favour, and both have tried to make me feel bad for the whole incident. She is a quiet child, not quiet as in withdrawn, just quiet as in pretty well-behaved whie she's there. Her reports have always stated she's confident and well mannered, though she has had a tendency to fight right throughout school, they've never mentioned that. Not many people actually see through her lies, as she's very good at them and also very good at blaming someone else for her own misfortune. Nothing is ever her fault!

Posted: 13 December 2006 at 7:11pm | IP Logged

Hi Stressed_Mum,

I'm sorry to hear about your problems with your daughter.  She obviously has alot of anger and frustration pent up.  Do you know where it is all coming from?  Isn't parenting fun!

Now I've got my work hat on and I'm going to suggest that you talk to the Police.  You could ask them to have a word in her ear.  I know from working alongside Lincoln's lead on Persistent Young Offenders i.e. very naughty children even as young as 10 who are like the revolving door on the wrong end of the criminal justice system that trying to nip this sort of behaviour in the bud is alot more conducive than allowing it to continue - not that you want to hence your post on here.  As your daughter hasn't actually committed a 'recorded' crime because you haven't pressed charges so she won't have a record. 

I work alongside the Youth Offending Service and other Justice agencies so have a little (and it really is a little as I haven't been here long) background knowledge on the criminal justice side.  One of the things that we're doing here in Lincolnshire is trying to get the children to focus their attention on doing positive activities and learning how to express themselves through other methods such as painting, singing, acting etc.  One of our initiatives (which actually won a national award) was a 'fair play scheme' which was basically a schedule game of footie for the local kids to look forward to once a week.  Are there any iniatives lik that in your area that your daughter could get involved in i.e. a youth club, disco etc.  Does she have a circle of friends she could confide in?

There is a government - run website offering advice to parents of 'unruly' (hate that expression, but can't think of a better one-sorry) children.  Click on www.yjb.gov.uk. 

If I get any further info from work, which I think may help you or at least point you in the right direction I will let you know.  I hope you don't think I'm patronising because I really don't want to.  Your post just really got me thinking that was all.

Take care. Zo xxx

Posted: 13 December 2006 at 9:44pm | IP Logged

erm if her period started just after her first violent episode do you think it might be due to hormones?

get you mumto-you sound sensible!!