Every mum that I know has experienced "the baby blues" – usually days after giving birth, when you feel like you should be the happiest woman alive, but for some reason you just can’t stop crying! Unfortunately for some, this feeling doesn’t go away.

 

 

The baby blues can last anything from a few hours to a few weeks and can range from a few tears to hysterical sobbing that goes on for days. You may feel as if your world has turned upside-down and you just can’t cope with whats going on. If these feelings start to take over your life, or last longer than a few weeks, it may be a sign that you need some help.

 

For me, I think I was cooking for a few weeks before Ella was born. My pregnancy had been fine up to 20 weeks, but then they became concerned about her size. I was referred for tests, had numerous growth scans and then at 7 months, my blood pressure rocketed and I was in and out of hospital from then on. I had to finish work, couldn’t drive and was housebound. I was terrified. Then, I was induced because of my blood pressure, but she got stuck and I ended up having an emergency c-section. I lost a lot of blood in the op, and continued to lose blood all day, but this wasn’t spotted until 8 hours later and suddenly became very serious. I was in a daze. I should have been elated; I had a beautiful, perfect little girl. But I felt like my life had ended. Physically, I felt terrible. I didn’t know what to do with this baby at all. I was breast-feeding and she wanted feeding constantly. Because of the op, I found it very hard to position her and it hurt so much. On my 3^rd night after having her, it was 2am and she wouldn’t stop crying. I hobbled out to the midwife station, holding my screaming child and burst into tears – I just didn’t know what to do.

 

When I got home, it didn’t get any better. I struggled on with the feeding, but she lost too much weight and I was finding it so hard, I had to stop. The breast-feeding expert midwife came to see me, and I just sobbed my heart out. She suggested I see my GP about how I felt. So I did, and he suggested taking St Johns Wort. I tried it, but after a month, I felt worse. Getting out of bed was a real struggle. I didn’t want to see anyone, I didn’t want to talk to anyone, and all I could do was sit at home with this baby that I loved dearly, but just didn’t think I deserved. I felt like a total failure. I couldn’t believe I’d been so stupid as to bring a child into the world that I couldn’t look after. She deserved so much better. When she would wake in the night, I would go downstairs, or into the spare room so that my husband wouldn’t see me crying in case he realised I couldn’t cope.

 

I hit the bottom one night at 3am. Ella had been screaming for an hour and I just didn’t know what to do. I put her in her crib, went onto the landing and broke down. I was shaking, waling, sobbing, hyperventilating – the lot. My chest was tight, I felt like I was dying. The next day, I went to see another GP, and burst into tears. I’d been depressed before, but this was so much worse. He was fantastic. He explained to me how common PND was and went through lots of positive things I could do to help myself. He prescribed anti-depressants, and I went to see him weekly so he could monitor me. He suggested I make a point of getting out every day, even if only to walk to the end of the drive and back. He also gave me details of some mums groups in the village. Eventually, I plucked up the courage to go and it really did help. Forcing myself to get out of the house really did make the world of difference and I got to meet a lot of first time mums who had exactly the same problems I did. I met some really lovely people there, some of whom I still meet up with even though the group has finished.

 

The tablets didn’t kick in straight away, they take about a month to really make a difference. The doctor says I’ll probably need to take them for a year. I have my good days and I have bad ones. I’ve just had a 2-week spell that has been very hard for me and I felt like I’d taken 10 steps backwards. But I’ll get there, I know I will.

 

I didn’t want to write this down as a sympathy vote – please believe that. I wanted to share my experience so that if 1 person reading this recognises any of this in themselves, but doesn’t know where to turn, they would know that they’re not on their own. I would urge you to see your GP. Common symptoms include:

 

 

This list isn’t exhaustive and you don’t have to have all of these feelings. Also, pretty much everyone can say that they have experienced some of these, but if these feelings last for more than a few days, its worth going to see your GP or health visitor. As a new mum, your GP or health visitor will give you an “Emotions and Feelings” questionnaire to complete at your 6-week check, or before. Its 10 questions about how you’re feeling and its scored to indicate whether you may be leaning towards PND.  My GP told me that it’s very common for new mothers to lie on their questionnaire, as they don’t want to show that they’re not coping. I admit, I did! But then I realised I was only fooling myself, and low and behold I scored 29 – which is pretty high!!

 

PND is so common. The hardest part is admitting that there is a problem. The 2^nd hardest part is accepting that it’s not your fault – it’s an illness, just like a sore throat. And like a sore throat, there are things that can be done to help it get better. So please, if something in this article rings a bell, do seek help. I know its hard, but with the right help, things really do get better and you really can enjoy being a Mum. 

 

For more information on Postnatal Depression, go to http://www.pni.org.uk/

Madmums now offers one to one support to Post Natal Depression sufferers via the Madmums Buddy Scheme. The scheme is free and confidential.

This is a members article written by Dizie